She KNOWS it's a Multi Pass.

Disjointed, Directionless, Rebellious, Oppositional, Wanderer

Cluttered, sure, but that's okay for now, it looks like the inside of my head. There are times in one's life when, after prolonged exigency, one must simply surrender and let all things rest where they land.  

Truth be told I've never stood quite in this place before. Constant Change is getting monotonous, I am grateful for solid ground and predictability under my feet these days. I've been doing the Radical Acceptance thing for a very long time, its something that must be practiced regularly. But I find myself now seeking reliability in the things that keep one grounded. Not blind faith, nor letting go of truth, just somewhere soft and safe to lay my head.  

Prayer of St. Francis by Sarah MacLachlan


...would be a good reason to keep quiet, if I were built that way. You would also think it would quell my curiousity, but it does not. I have learned to live with Fear, it has been my companion throughout my whole life, and so I do not hear its warning shout sometimes. Its voice is like a mosquito in my ear. I tend to listen to it only when I shouldn't, perhaps because those are the times when the noise of real danger has receded. I am more comfortable in a room full of wild animals than at a concert or a poetry reading. Maybe I'll figure it out someday. Until then, keep watching, FYE~

Time for a Change

This page is slowly morphing, these posts are beginning to sound like another page I used to know. It might be time to open it back up for business, even if people have forgotten about it. Actually that might be a good thing :)

Just Say Good Bye,

There comes a time when you come to realize that you are invisible, that is when you cut your losses. There are people who see you in this world, people who you are real to, and those are the people who matter. Their hugs are firm around your back, their words are solid in your ear. Not the ones who don't even remember your dog's name because the whole time they were with you, they were thinking about someone else. They don't even see you as a Real Woman. Your hair isn't dark enough, you are not tall enough, you aren't enough of a bitch, you don't have a Romanesque profile, because you are Scotch-Irish, and you don't act like the Queen of Women (in other words you don't emulate the actresses on daytime soap operas on purpose). You don't cause intimidation. People confuse intimidation with respect, when someone is a cocky, snotty jerk to them, they feel bullied, and they think they are feeling respect. Feigning interest in you just to kill their own pain, build up their own self-esteem. No worries do they have for your well-being. They picked you because they wanted you for real, but they led you on after they couldn't let go of the other. What will happen? What always happens. You will haul ass, and he will blame you for the pretend-relationship failing, that way he doesn't have to own. Then after he realizes that he DID want you, he will call, but it will be too late, you will have moved to Nashville, or Florida, or maybe even California. And like the others, he will call you again, and then later again, and he will accidentally run into you somewhere, "you were the best, can we go for a drink" You will be gone, and you will be happy, without that ever-present feeling of not being seen as as much of a Woman as the taller, bitchier, arrogant, faux-earthy-brunette who thinks she is some kind of Mystic/Artist/Earth Goddess (too bad she doesn't know that a real Light Worker can not be arrogant or self-centered. Moron. Too bad he doesn't know that either.) You will be gone, and it will be too late. Even if it was meant to be. Fate may have brought you together, but after that it's all about real-time. All will be glorious, All will be well. For you. Hasn't there been enough darkness? It's time for light, time for laughter, time to let someone else's honesty shine on you for a change. Someone to have beer and pizza with,  share jokes and songs  with whenever the hell you feel like it. Someone who owns their issues and doesn't burn you with them! Calls you back, speaks, listens~ Someone who thinks you are as cool as you think they are...