When you refer to yourself, or I refer to myself..
When I talk about myself and use "I" and "me", or when you do the same thing,...
When you try to tell your story, or if I say your story reminds me of something in my own life...
When you share your observation, or when I share my opinion..
When I'm venting (so it's all about "me") or when you're venting (so it's all about "you")
When I'm overwhelmed or expressing a need, or when you are either or both~
if a Narcissist is listening (or reading), they are thinking "Narcissist! You're so self centered! It's all about you, you, you! You want all the credit, you want to be the center of attention, you're always trying to get attention, praise, and sympathy! You always think you know everything...you're so self-righteous... you're so..."
~
Because Narcissists can't stand it when others are the subject or center of the conversation (unless it's negative.)
They can't stand it when someone else is talking about themselves for more than five seconds (that might be too long).
They resent it when someone else is getting attention, credit, or praise from others.
They hate it when someone else is celebrating or happy about anything that doesn't include (or FEATURE) them.
They don't like it when someone else seems to be doing well, or doing something well, or getting even a moment of recognition or reward for it.
If they were to time how long they talked about themselves, and how long you talked about yourself; how long they listened to you, and how long you listened to them, they might see a clearer picture. If they listened to the content of what they were talking about, and the content of your communication, they might get some more clarity. If they realized that they aren't thinking of you as a PERSON like themselves but only as a sounding board, a support, or an audience, without real emotions and needs of your own...
Focusing resentment, envy, and projection on a person who is actually in a leadership position by default is not uncommon, there's always at least one employee who resents the boss for having the "leader" position, band members who resent the front person and/or the songwriter, interest-group members who resent the person who founded the group (but don't leave), actors who resent the director (but don't want the job), recovery group, 12 step, and support group members who resent the group leader just because (but stay anyway). Students who resent the teachers. Martial Arts students who resent the Sensei.
~
This envy can also be found as "fleas" on targets of Narc. abuse, especially if the abuse took place during childhood. There was almost certainly comparing going on; this child is better than that child, why can't you be more like her, look how HE behaves, see how nice she looks, isn't SHE just beautiful, isn't HE so handsome, don't you wish you were as strong as he is...
There was most likely withholding of approval, acceptance, and praise for a variety of "reasons"; punishment, control, manipulation, "keeping her humble", keeping the spotlight on the Golden Child.
There was probably a lot of exclusion going on; "We're going to dinner, you stay here" "We're going on vacation, you're staying with so and so" "Stay in your room until the guests leave" "The wedding does not allow children"
There was probably consistent put-downs all around, "Give that here, you do it like THIS!" "You throw like a girl" "You look like a boy" "You're so lazy" "You're so slow" "You're not the beautiful type, you're more like a farm girl" "Girls don't like little boys who whine"
And there was probably a lot of spotlight-stealing, spotlight grabbing, spotlight hoarding, invalidation, getting knocked off the proverbial stage (by those who were supposed to support), and spotlight blocking. Grandstanding, pontificating, lecturing, and story-telling. Lots of "I, me, me, I, me, and then I, me, I, sometimes a we, we, and then we, and then I..."
So, in retrospect, it's understandable that a person who grew up dealing with Narcissistic behavior might pick up a few resentments, triggers, or "fleas".
It's not healthy to feed those fleas, they are parasitical and will bite at and suck at a person's spirit, and make healing more difficult. They can be picked off and the bite marks can be healed as soon as one starts looking for them and seeing them for what they are. It's not the same as self-deprecation; these fleas are not part of "who we are", they're side effects, little things we picked up and held on to. They may have helped us to cope in the environment at the time.
As Suzanne Wingrove said, "Send that which you want to get rid of, that which you want to throw away, that which you see as garbage to the Earth; She will turn it over into compost and create new life with it."
When I talk about myself and use "I" and "me", or when you do the same thing,...
When you try to tell your story, or if I say your story reminds me of something in my own life...
When you share your observation, or when I share my opinion..
When I'm venting (so it's all about "me") or when you're venting (so it's all about "you")
When I'm overwhelmed or expressing a need, or when you are either or both~
if a Narcissist is listening (or reading), they are thinking "Narcissist! You're so self centered! It's all about you, you, you! You want all the credit, you want to be the center of attention, you're always trying to get attention, praise, and sympathy! You always think you know everything...you're so self-righteous... you're so..."
~
Because Narcissists can't stand it when others are the subject or center of the conversation (unless it's negative.)
They can't stand it when someone else is talking about themselves for more than five seconds (that might be too long).
They resent it when someone else is getting attention, credit, or praise from others.
They hate it when someone else is celebrating or happy about anything that doesn't include (or FEATURE) them.
They don't like it when someone else seems to be doing well, or doing something well, or getting even a moment of recognition or reward for it.
If they were to time how long they talked about themselves, and how long you talked about yourself; how long they listened to you, and how long you listened to them, they might see a clearer picture. If they listened to the content of what they were talking about, and the content of your communication, they might get some more clarity. If they realized that they aren't thinking of you as a PERSON like themselves but only as a sounding board, a support, or an audience, without real emotions and needs of your own...
Focusing resentment, envy, and projection on a person who is actually in a leadership position by default is not uncommon, there's always at least one employee who resents the boss for having the "leader" position, band members who resent the front person and/or the songwriter, interest-group members who resent the person who founded the group (but don't leave), actors who resent the director (but don't want the job), recovery group, 12 step, and support group members who resent the group leader just because (but stay anyway). Students who resent the teachers. Martial Arts students who resent the Sensei.
~
This envy can also be found as "fleas" on targets of Narc. abuse, especially if the abuse took place during childhood. There was almost certainly comparing going on; this child is better than that child, why can't you be more like her, look how HE behaves, see how nice she looks, isn't SHE just beautiful, isn't HE so handsome, don't you wish you were as strong as he is...
There was most likely withholding of approval, acceptance, and praise for a variety of "reasons"; punishment, control, manipulation, "keeping her humble", keeping the spotlight on the Golden Child.
There was probably a lot of exclusion going on; "We're going to dinner, you stay here" "We're going on vacation, you're staying with so and so" "Stay in your room until the guests leave" "The wedding does not allow children"
There was probably consistent put-downs all around, "Give that here, you do it like THIS!" "You throw like a girl" "You look like a boy" "You're so lazy" "You're so slow" "You're not the beautiful type, you're more like a farm girl" "Girls don't like little boys who whine"
And there was probably a lot of spotlight-stealing, spotlight grabbing, spotlight hoarding, invalidation, getting knocked off the proverbial stage (by those who were supposed to support), and spotlight blocking. Grandstanding, pontificating, lecturing, and story-telling. Lots of "I, me, me, I, me, and then I, me, I, sometimes a we, we, and then we, and then I..."
So, in retrospect, it's understandable that a person who grew up dealing with Narcissistic behavior might pick up a few resentments, triggers, or "fleas".
It's not healthy to feed those fleas, they are parasitical and will bite at and suck at a person's spirit, and make healing more difficult. They can be picked off and the bite marks can be healed as soon as one starts looking for them and seeing them for what they are. It's not the same as self-deprecation; these fleas are not part of "who we are", they're side effects, little things we picked up and held on to. They may have helped us to cope in the environment at the time.
As Suzanne Wingrove said, "Send that which you want to get rid of, that which you want to throw away, that which you see as garbage to the Earth; She will turn it over into compost and create new life with it."
