Objectivity In Recovery and Healing

Healing and recovery is ten times more important, maybe 100, maybe 1000, times more important than fully understanding why people end up being abusive.
But understanding some of the "why's" helps US in that healing and recovery.
Emotional attachment is one of the biggest things that can keep us stuck in the circle.

That includes all of the emotions such as ANGER and FEAR.
It also includes things like disgust, disdain, and hatred.

Humans have emotions, we're supposed to, it's a brain/body function. Emotions are attached to our experiences, memories, and thoughts. However since we ARE Human, we DO have the ability, the capability, to look at any situation objectively. Having empathy actually HELPS this ability.

Narcissists do NOT have this ability because they lack empathy; they are welded to their emotions; whatever they FEEL, they think is a FACTUAL representation of reality.

NON-Narcissists DO have the ability to separate emotions from experiences, situations, observations, and thoughts.

Experiencing trauma can hinder this ability, even seem to block it. One of the symptoms of PTSD is triggered emotions that are attached to certain memories, so that can be a hindrance. But we are resilient creatures and the brain can and does HEAL, so that's not necessarily a "permanent" condition.

Objectivity is absolutely one of our abilities as a functioning human being. We might need to practice it more, but we're capable.

Objectivity is NOT the same as pity, sympathy, compassion, or coldness. It is all by itself in definition. It sees what's there without anything else attached to it. No anger, no empathy, no pity, no caring, no hate, no resentment, no sympathy, no desire. It's observation WITHOUT emotion, intention, or bias, not WITH certain emotions or intentions.

When we learn to do a new task, we might be excited or intrigued, maybe anxious; when we've gotten proficient at it we feel proud, when we've done it many times, we might feel like we're "one of the people who do this task"; by the time we've done it a hundred times, we tend to have become objective about it, it's just something that exists, that we do.
Then perhaps when we get to about 150, we're not objective anymore because we're starting to get sick of it. 300 times, now we're really sick of it, by 400 we're getting frustrated, by 700 we're angry, by 1000 we've become resigned to it and can become objective again...

Humans have a hard time with objectivity, that's why they (we) invented "Scientific Method". We CAN do it, it's just hard, but it's the only way we can find real things out instead of just believing our own reactions and filters. That's not a "weakness", it's just how we're built.

When one goes into an Animal Shelter, one sees all kinds of dogs and cats. Some of them are very sweet and cuddly, some of them are indifferent and maybe sick of humans, some of them are excited and active, and some of them are vicious. When the veterinarian comes in to give them vaccines, or when they're brought in to be treated, the vet doesn't just treat the ones she likes, she treats them all the same (unless she has a specific personality disorder, that is.)
If you were to pick out a PET, then picking out the vicious dog or cat would be silly, especially if you have kids.
You're STILL being "objective", you're making a decision based on facts and reality, and projected outcomes based on those facts.
You don't have to HATE or even DISLIKE the vicious dogs or cats to decide you aren't going to bring them home.
But your decision might not change even if you weren't being objective, you might still pick the same sweet kitty cat based on your emotions instead of on reality.
However, what if you weren't YOU, but you were someone with some kind of aggression complex? Who gets a thrill out of owning vicious dogs? (makes them feel powerful by association, like they're the dog...because they own the dog...) What if this person HAS KIDS, or has elderly parents living with them? What if this person's kids have friends in and out of the house? Now objectivity is extremely important, because if this person "goes with emotion" in choosing a dog, it's going to be a vicious one. "Nice dogs" are for "wimpy people", apparently... (eye roll emoticon).
If the person was objective, they would be able to step OUTSIDE of their own emotional reactions, whims, and judgments, and NOT GET the vicious dog and expose their children and the neighborhood children and their elderly parents to it every single day. Objectivity would mean they can make a choice about which dog to adopt WITHOUT their own personal emotions and issues coloring their decision; they would definitely get a "Nice" dog if they were able to be objective.

Without objectivity, this person would adopt the VICIOUS dog, not the "nice" dog.

Because the person would be looking at all of the dogs through a limited emotional filter.
Not assessing the situation from a "bird's eye view".

Objectivity helps us to understand, so that we can know what's going on, and what to work on, and why.

Blinded By The Shaving Cream

Seriously, how is it possible that so many humans embrace prejudice, or pretend it's not happening, or dive under into the murky, suffocating depths of "That's the way things just are!"



It's like not noticing a giant zit in the middle of your own forehead.

Or ignoring the cougar staring at you from the neighbor's yard.

"Lalala, if I don't look at it, it doesn't exist!"

Ignoring the meth lab next door... and we all know people do that, so apparently it's the same thing. 

Prejudice, Superiority Complexes, the desire for Domination and the act of accepting and submitting to Domination (in order to stay in the comfort of the group and not get picked on, ostracized, or killed) are just the result of a few monkey traits in Homo Sapiens, and these traits are shared with our close cousins, the Chimpanzees, whether any of us likes it or not.

If we were as evolved as we think we are, the stupid, stupid issues we "deal with" that cause us SO MUCH STRESS just wouldn't exist. And that would look like: NO ONE feels superior or supreme, EVERYONE is accepted, NO ONE tries to hurt others, or act out like a toddler, NO WARS would exist, and we would all be unhappy only because of really big things that are ACTUALLY beyond our control, like Earthquakes and disease and accidents.

Some days it's almost funny...

Fearing Consequences: Double Binds

Targets of "Narc. abuse" often feel like they've lost themselves because they were conditioned to fear consequence from controllers.

What we do, as human animals, when there's a threat in the area:
We stop doing what we're doing and freeze, like deer, like cats, rabbits, and like dogs and wolves; like most land mammals, and other animals as well. We freeze and assess the situation with all of our senses; that's one of the main reasons our senses exist.

So we switch our focus from whatever we were doing to the threat. It's a survival mechanism that's kept us and other animals alive for eons.

Since we are humans with complex brains, some of us learn very early, either subconsciously or consciously, that humans respond to other humans this way also.

When we're in this response, our subconscious has taken over, we are not fully "conscious" and purposeful. We are no longer "Pro Active", we are REACTIVE.

We freeze and wait to see what's going to happen. We wait for a signal, a sign, a movement, in order to react with either fight or flight. Humans more often choose "flight", unless our subconscious believes that the threat is not a real danger.

When we are in a double-edged situation, where we receive consequences EITHER WAY, whether we run or stay and fight, we are in a "Double Bind". This is when our survival reaction switches to another mode: Submission. We submit to the situation we're in, because it's the best option for survival. We'll figure out how to get out of it later, but for now, whatever we try to do will give us a consequence, so we stay put.

Horses and elephants have been "trained" this way.

This submission response is not the LAST resort-reaction, but it means the situation is dire; we feel trapped in place, it's a "no-win" situation. If we fight back we'll receive serious consequences, and if we run away we'll receive serious consequences; the best option really is at this moment to stay in the situation and try to just humor and go along with the "threat".

Kind of like giving a grizzly bear your backpack because you don't think you can outrun it. You fight the bear, you're done, if you run away, it will catch you, and besides there's another bear on the path. Best option: give the bear what it wants, your food. All of your food. Every crumb, and hope that the bear becomes satiated or distracted so you can slip away. Talk sweetly to the bear, get it to calm down, try to get it to stop freaking out, and give it something it likes so it will stop focusing on YOU.

So you get a moment and casually slip away while the bear is chewing on your backpack, trying to open all the pockets. But you know it can smell you, track you, you are on its mind. Now you are not only something to chase, but you are the bearer of the food.

From now on, as long as you've got food to give the bear, it might not attack you.

So do you have any food left? Ahh yes in your jacket, some power bars and some trail mix.

So you run, as fast as you can, somehow get past the second bear, but the first bear catches up with you. So you try to climb a tree high enough so the bear can't reach you, and you take one of the power bars, break it in half, and throw it as far as you can. The bear doesn't notice it... You wave the other half so the bear can smell it, and you throw it near the other one. It works, the bear runs after it.

Now: Do you stay in the tree, or do you run? If you stay there you'll probably die, but then again the bear might get bored after a long while and wander away. But then again the bear can probably knock you out of the tree. But... then again, that's not the only Grizzly around here, when the others smell you and your food, they'll come. Another double bind: stay in the tree, or run?

You're exhausted by now, but you BETTER NOT eat any of that food, you have to save it to give to the bear. And if the bear sees you eating it, it will probably freak out and try to climb the tree or knock it down, or make a racket so the other bears hear; that's supposed to be BEAR FOOD.
Better to hide it in your jacket until you're going to give it to the bear.

Your food is no longer yours, you are giving it to the bear to keep it from attacking you. You do nothing at all except focus on keeping the bear calm and happy. You wait for a safe spot to make your move, but does it ever come? You wait for the bear to get agitated again because if you don't give it food and keep it calm, it will come after you. You worry that your food will run out and then the bear will come after you.
This is survival, and it's how Narcissistic abuse and Codependency works in a general analogy. After a while the dynamic between the bear and you, and the other bears in the area as well, becomes normalized, and is incorporated into your subconscious belief system. "The most important thing is keeping the bear calm, and avoiding drawing negative attention from other bears. Fighting the bear is too dangerous, running away is too dangerous, and dealing with the other bears is too dangerous. This is my only option until I can find a way out."
But that way out never comes, because you are waiting for the bear to make the decision. The fear, anxiety, and fatigue has worn you down, and now your getting too cold, and the sun is going down. You're subconsciously giving up, and resigning yourself to this fate. You sit in the tree, in a kind of strange camaraderie/truce with the bear on the ground below you, (but not really camaraderie). Darkness is closing in and you figure you're going to just be here for the rest of your time on Earth. You can see what's going to happen; either you'll fall asleep and fall, and either break something or the bear will eat you, or both. Or you'll run out of food and the bear will freak out and climb the tree, or knock it down, and eat you. Or you'll freeze to death, sitting in this tree. Or a pack of Grizzlies will join the one bear and knock the tree down.

This is "resignation", and losing yourself. You no longer feel like there are any viable options that will result in you having a real life again, even realistically surviving. ]

The resignation that you feel is a combination of the double-bind submission reaction, and your fatigue and exhaustion.

It's not actual reality; you don't actually know what's going to happen, and you are probably assessing your own capability and strength as lower than it really is, because we do that when we're exhausted to convince ourselves to rest.

There are many other things that could happen. The most likely scenario will be that the bear gets tired of standing there and goes looking for food somewhere else before you fall out of the tree or freeze. You could stay there till the sun comes up, or you could climb down when the bear wanders away and get out of there. You'll be scared, sure, of course. But keep paying attention to the trees around you in case you have to climb one again quickly. If you have to stay in a tree till the sun comes up, then so be it, in the morning there might be another human who hears you and helps you get away. You are probably much stronger than you think, and there are many scenarios for the future that you didn't think of. That doesn't mean there's no threat, it does mean that there are things we didn't think of, people we haven't met yet, and events we can't foresee that could change the situation. When we get stuck in place, we lose hope, so we stay there and assume there's not going to be a way out, but there will be, and there is.

God Complex

One of the stranger things seen often in Narcissism is putting human beings in the place of a deity. Seeing certain humans as god-like, or as actual gods. And therefore seeing other humans as lesser creatures in comparison.
This may be directly connected to the delusional, fantastical perception of the world and of themselves that Narcissists tend to have. Again, normal childhood stages that got stuck, and then internalized into part of their belief system.

So if Elvis is god, or Jimi Hendrix, or the mayor, or the pastor, or Buddha, or their Tai Chi sensei, or the Football coach, or one of their relatives, then what does that make other people, like their kids, their partner, other relatives, anyone else?

Then they have to decide whether they themselves are one of those god-people, or if they aren't.

If they decide that they are, then all the world is under their subjection, and they have entitlement to the throne of supremacy. (God complex).

If they decide that they are NOT, for whatever reason, maybe they're more aware, or aware of consequences others might impose on them for acting like a god, then they associate themselves with these god-people instead.

Either way, everyone else is just a lowly creature (in the N's mind) who should be in awe and worship of these god-people... and if they're not, they're just ignorant, crazy, dumb, or jealous...