Leaders Vs. Control Freaks

Being a "good leader" or a "leader type" is not the same thing as having control issues or being a Narcissist.
Most people like it when someone is around who's a good leader type. They have a knack for helping others achieve their potential, for organizing projects and goals with the talents and abilities of other people, for getting different kinds of personalities to work together, and for leading others in going places and getting things done.

A lot of people have skills, abilities, and talent, but really appreciate someone else who's talent and abilities happen to include dealing with difficult people, getting others to work together (or work at all), getting others to behave respectfully and cooperate in a work group or project, getting everyone involved to focus on the goal, and simply helping to figure out what the best next step or direction is.

A Good Leader is a person who has these abilities and is also respectful toward other people, respectful of who others really are and is appreciative of their abilities, who does not try to diminish others, and who knows the difference between "leadership" and "superiority".

If the person is getting a "high" from bossing others and being in control, then it's likely their "leadership skills" are not very good, because they're actually just "leading" in order to get a fix, not to accomplish anything. They will likely sabotage anyone who seems like a threat to their leadership position or image, because that would be a threat to getting their fix.


If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they're not a "leader type", they may approach the person and want to know about them, want to hear their point of view, and want to assist them in whatever their doing, or help them, or recruit them for a project. But they will NOT condescend to the person, judge the person as an "inferior", give the person unsolicited 'advice" or criticism, or try to "prove" to the person that they are stronger or smarter.

If a good Leader picks up social signals from another person that they ARE another "leader type", they may approach the person and perhaps want to talk to them, work with them, hear their point of view, and learn about their projects and goals. But they will NOT feel "challenged" by the person, feel envious, or try to diminish the person or "prove" that they are the "top dog". They will also NOT try to take over the person's projects or groups, or sabotage them.

A Controller, on the other hand, will likely do the opposite of what a "good Leader" would do in response to the social cues from others. For example if they pick up "shy" or even "polite" social signals, they are likely to see the person as either a "nothing", or as a potential Target (prey, mark, servant, sidekick).
If they pick up social signals that indicate a "Leader type" person, they are likely to either kiss up to the person in order to be associated with them and get in their good graces, or they will try to diminish the person and "knock them down".

The behavior of a "Controller" can be compared to many social animals who have a group leader, when less mature animals try to challenge the leader all the time, and try to prove dominance toward other members of the group with aggressive displays..If an individual goes too far with these behaviors, or displays them too often, they can be driven away and "exiled" from the group because their behaviors are destructive to the  group's safety and well-being.

A good Leader, human or non-human, can be a boon to individuals and to larger groups.
A "Controller" can be something of a headache instead, or worse, all the way to being a nightmare of destruction for other individuals, to projects, businesses, groups and communities, and even nations.

A really good Leader will recognize Controllers in their midst, and not only stand up to them, but help protect others from them as well.

Projecting "Weakness" Onto Others

Both men and women who have Narcissism tend to project weakness onto females and smaller males.

They may project physical weakness, emotional weakness, mental weakness, character weakness, or lack of worldly "power", depending on what they think will "work" on an individual, and what their own ego-identity issues are.

So they might keep implying that a woman they know is physically fragile, weak, or delicate, or that she is fearful and insecure.
They'll do this especially if they're worried that she's NONE of these things. They will often imply it to other people when the woman is absent, or they might imply it about her in her presence, or even right to her face.

If they want her to be physically weak or incapable, they'll just keep SAYING and doing things that imply it, apparently hoping it will come true eventually. So for example when she goes to lift something, they might run over and make a big deal out of helping her, or they might take it right out of her hands. Or if there is something that needs to be done, they might make a big show about getting someone else to do it because it's "So hard" or "too heavy" or "too difficult" for her.

A Narcissist will do similar things when they wish another to have other kinds of weaknesses as well, such as always giving them "constructive criticism" about something they do, especially something they're good at, or about their appearance.
(Counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists who have Narcissism can be especially dangerous with this kind of behavior, because they'll keep implying that a patient's judgment is "off", or that their emotional reactions are not really quite normal, or that they don't UNDERSTAND much about their own mental health, or that of others around them, or of human mental health and behavior in general.
Teachers with Narcissism will also often give skewed feedback to a good student, trying to make the student believe that he or she has not made much progress, or that they're not grasping the material, or that they're not very capable of learning the material.)

The stronger a Target actually is, in any way, shape or form, the more the Narcissist will probably try to diminish them.

On the flip side of this same coin, both male and female Narcissists often project OAFISHNESS onto physically larger people; both adults and children. The implication is that they aren't very bright, that they're clutzy, or that they're ignorant or naive. One can observe that young people who are bullies tend to target either SMALLER children OR LARGER children, and if they don't mature past their envy and domination issues, they'll carry it with them into adulthood.

Obviously this is ALSO an attempt to DIMINISH the person, because their very size alone intimidates the Narcissist and likely causes envy, since humans in general tend to automatically treat taller people with more respect than smaller people.

Those who have Narcissism and who are average height seem to display this sort of behavior (height and size envy, diminishing, and projection) more than taller or shorter people who have Narcissism.

Frustrating Relationships

One of the most frustrating things about relationships with people who have narcissism issues, especially those who don't have severe "NPD" (severe NPD is a little easier to see once you notice it), is that no matter what, they actually seem to believe that any and all of the problems in the relationship are caused by YOU.

This is can also be seen in people who have PTSD, Bipolar, ADD, and "Borderline Personality" issues, none of which are actually "Narcissism", but can manifest N. behaviors and perceptions because of extreme defensiveness, self-protection, recurring paranoia (often from being manipulated, betrayed, or gaslighted), and attention deficit.

People who have ADD, for example, who manifest N. issues can believe they know all the information there is regarding an event, an interaction with another person, or something they heard, or something they read, because they don't realize they missed half of it.
Like falling asleep during class but not knowing it.
They think they perceived everything that happened, that they know what you're going to say, that they know what you're thinking and feeling, that they know your motive, or that you have an "agenda", but they have NO INTEREST in actually finding anything out, or reviewing any facts, or reviewing what actually happened, or what was actually said. Because it's too much work and it's annoying... in their mind, they already KNOW, so why go back over it again?! They can actually perceive a person who wants to review an event or an interaction as being "hostile" or "chastising" them, because that's probably what it FEELS like to them. They may also perceive an attempt to go back over something as the other person trying to "get out of responsibility for their actions", which may be from another relationship, or it may be a projection of their own motives.
So there's no way to go back over something that happened, even to show them that you did not do what they think you did to hurt or betray them, because they will become defensive and emotionally reactive, and cause a NEW "negative" event.
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ALSO~ people who actually do have Narcissism will often avoid reviewing an event at all costs, because they can NOT TOLERATE even a small hint that they did something "wrong". EVEN IF another person takes responsibility for 9 out of 10 "wrong" things that were said or done, a person with Narcissism will STILL defend themselves about the 10th thing that the N. was definitely responsible for, and will ACCUSE the other person of "never" taking responsibility for anything, and "always" having to be right.
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Why that is depends on the individual, sometimes they can't "afford" to admit a mistake because it will mess up what they're trying to accomplish, and sometimes they "can't" admit a mistake because the emotions that come with it are too uncomfortable, even painful, for them.