Taking You Seriously, Red Flag

~If I am not one of the people you take seriously, why on earth would you think that you're one of the people I take seriously?

Flags that happen so often in modern culture that most of us don't even realize it's going on:
They tell a story about themselves, you listen. They share their observations, you listen, making sounds and gestures of acknowledgment. They vent their frustrations, laments, ills, you listen. They tell the "story" about their morning, their ride to work, the conversation with their cat, their child, their mother, their neighbor, the mailman, you listen, nod, smile, and give feedback.
They talk, even if it's cutting into the time that something else is going on (work, meeting, dinner, going home, movie, school, someone else talking, break time, anything)
... YOU start to talk, and SUDDENLY it's "time to start work" or "time to go inside" or "time to listen to the speaker" or "listen to the show" or "pay attention" or "take this seriously".

There is ALWAYS time for them to tell THEIR stories (or certain other people), but there is amazingly NEVER time for you to tell YOUR stories.

This is so common in a dysfunctional culture because it is a "Hierarchy" display. Those who are not hierarchy and status-minded may not realize what's going on (for years). Whoever is a higher-status-monkey in the primate group gets to talk, and everyone listens to them when they talk, no matter what they're talking about or what they're saying, and whoever has been cast in a "lower status" position in the primate group gets ignored and dismissed, no matter what they're talking about or what they're saying. This practice actually serves to KEEP the monkey-hierarchy intact, because the only people who usually talk about the fact that the hierarchy exists, or that it's unfair, immature, and ridiculous, ARE those who have been put in "lower status" positions, so they get dismissed and even belittled when they speak AUTOMATICALLY. ~~~ If a person who has been designated as a "higher status" in the primate group starts pointing out the immaturity of the hierarchy, they will usually get attacked and will be targeted to be reassigned as "lower status" (so people will automatically stop listening to them speak.)

Narcissists are usually fixated on "hierarchy", and live their lives trying to be one of the "higher status" members within any group that they're part of. ("Higher status" does NOT necessarily mean "Leadership positions", although it can. It mostly means being seen as "one of the better people", one of the people that gets sympathy, positive attention, some form of group-consensus "respect". Higher Status means one gets sympathy instead of judgment and shame for transgressions or mistakes, it means that one gets listened to, praised, and remembered instead of ignored, criticized, and forgotten, it means that others in the group feel that they are "supposed to" give the person a certain amount of "respect" and be nice to them. It also means that one is allowed to display domination signals toward certain others, like ignoring them when they speak, treating them without respect, or talking about them behind their back, without consequence from other group members.)

Healthy Boundaries

What "Healthy Boundaries" are can be hard to describe in a literal sense. Some compare them to a fence around each person, others may call it a personal energy barrier, perhaps a membrane, or an invisible skin. However, since our personal boundary is invisible, it seems to be simpler to describe what we feel and look like when our boundary is healthy.
 
Having "healthy boundaries" means I can listen to someone else talk about their problems or their frustrations without assuming they are asking for my advice or help, or that they need it, or that I know anything that they don't already know.
If they have healthy boundaries, their motive behind telling me their problems or frustrations will not be to "compel" me or "guilt" me into giving them help or advice.
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"Healthy boundaries" means I don't go in someone else's living space, bedroom, car, or any other space without their permission, and they don't go in any of mine without my permission. It means I knock on a closed door and wait for permission before entering, and I expect the same from others.
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It means I expect my person, body, time, schedule, space, plans, intentions, and possessions to be fully respected, and that I treat others the same.
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It means that I know the difference between my FEELINGS and my ACTIONS and behavior, and expect that others know the difference as well.

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It means that I can and do listen to another person's point of view, beliefs, and experiences respectfully. And I expect the same from others.

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It means that I can and do listen to others without feeling like they're trying to make me "follow" them, and without becoming indoctrinated if I agree with or like some of the things they say.

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It means that I don't try to make others follow me, and I don't get upset if they don't follow or believe everything I say; and I'm not worried about hurting their feelings or angering them because I don't "follow" them.
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It means that I CAN "Follow" someone else's Lead respectfully, without rebelling against them, trying to take over, or trying to challenge their "position", and I expect the same from others when it's my turn to lead.

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It means I know the difference between "Leading" and "Dictating" or "Controlling", and I know the difference between "Following" and "Being Controlled or Dominated".

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It means I don't take everything personally, or think everything that everyone says and does is about me. If there is a time that I suspect something IS personal or against me, I don't hesitate to find out in a respectful manner what's going on.

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It means I look forward to meeting my own goals, and that I genuinely want others I know in my life to be happy, healthy, confident, and successful.  

I don't feel envious or superior to others. 

I know what "A rising tide lifts all ships" means.

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It means I communicate at all times, honestly and directly as much as possible, with the intention of INFORMATION EXCHANGE, with real respect and courtesy. I don't only communicate respectfully toward CERTAIN people, and NOT toward OTHERS.

And I expect the same courtesy and respect toward myself from other people.
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It means I don't "judge" others by my presumptions, by their appearance, by what others have said about them, by my prejudices and biases, by their reputation or titles, by their associates, nor even by their manner and speech. It takes much more than any of these superficial things to know anything worth knowing about another person, and a good deal of time. 

And I expect the same toward myself from others.
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It means if I have not come to know a person over a good deal of time and have come to truly trust them to some degree, that I don't allow them "in", to have access to my person, my space, and my life.

And I expect the same from others.
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It means using the same manners and respectful treatment toward every person, not using extra respectful manners toward one person and less respectful manners toward another. My manners and values come from ME, not from others; if I shake hands and show respect to the first man, I will do exactly the same toward his brother, toward his wife, his son, toward his daughter, and friend. 

And I expect the same toward myself and my associates from others.
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It means I can handle it when someone does not agree with me, or doesn't want to do something that I want to do, or doesn't like the same things I like, or is busy doing something that doesn't include me.
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It means I know the difference between someone who disagrees with me, and someone who COUNTERS or INSULTS me.
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It means I am not afraid to actively observe whether it is myself being "needy", "demanding" or "controlling" toward another person, or the other person being "controlling" or disrespectful toward ME.
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It means that I stand up for myself, or stand up for others who are being treated unfairly or with disrespect.
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It means that I know and expect that I will be treated with disrespect by other people as a matter of course, and that I don't need to either allow it, or to fly into a rage.
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It means that I care for myself, protect myself, believe in and trust myself, allow for all kinds of mistakes and misjudgments, forgive myself, cheer for myself, account for my actions, and love myself, and I also do these things for others in my life.
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It means that I am aware of my own DIGNITY, and aware of the DIGNITY of other people, those I know personally and those I don't. 

And I know the difference between DIGNITY and ego, control, and arrogance.
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It means I feel secure, and so do not feel the need to dominate others, dismiss or invalidate others, condescend to others, judge others, exclude others, slander others, hurt others, or try to control others.
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When my boundaries are healthy, hope and self-esteem are present as a matter of daily regular life. Shame, guilt, anxiety, regret, anger or depression are occasional visitors, but they don't stay.
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When my boundaries are healthy, "ego" does not take over, I don't feel like I need to prove myself to others, or show others that I'm good enough, tough enough, smart enough, or better than them. 

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When my boundaries are healthy, I don't feel like I need a "posse" or a "clique" to "back me up", and I don't feel compelled to try to create factions or spread negativity about others.

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When my boundaries are healthy, I don't need "us against them" to feel like I'm worthy or like I belong. I don't try to put other people or myself into groups and categories, and I don't waste my time or energy  judging others or seeking excuses to judge someone as "inferior" to myself.
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When my boundaries are healthy, I am not stuck; I feel truly free to be who I am, express myself without hostility, aggression, or ego, free to learn and improve myself, and free to respect, encourage, and care about others.
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"Boundaries" or "Our Personal Boundary" is much like the organ known as skin. We are born with it like we are born with skin. It is a barrier that when healthy is bouncy and semi-permeable, just like skin, but it's not visible to the eyes. Some compare it to what's known as the "Aura". When both our Boundary and our skin is healthy, we can feel things that bump into us, but most of those things don't cause serious injury or great pain; we can walk past and through various kinds of weather, terrain, people, animals, and even things and people that are unkind and unpleasant, and we can survive places and situations that are quite harsh.
When our boundary becomes weakened or injured, our ego tends to take over and do all kinds of things to "protect" us until our boundary heals again, much like we would go out of our way to protect a patch of skin that was injured from the outside world. Pricker bushes become like knives to unhealthy and raw skin, and immature words and behaviors become like serious attacks to weakened or injured boundaries. Healing from serious injury or illness is much slower and more painful with both weakened skin and weakened boundaries, so being serious about caring for them is of tantamount importance. 

Caring and healing our personal boundary or boundaries can be compared to healing other parts of our body, we need to learn, nourish, protect, and give it time and space. Skin won't heal by continually exposing it to harsh conditions, germs, burns, or injury, and the same is true with our personal boundary, which incorporates our mental, emotional, and spiritual health as well as our physical health.

Both our skin and our boundary need to heal so we can move about our world freely and confidently, and experience the pleasant feelings of hope, joy, and self-respect.