If you feel like every time you finally start to heal, have a moment of happiness, or feel like peace is coming to your heart again, that something happens to knock you back down~ it might actually be real. But not necessarily random.
Human beings are master observers, whether we are aware of it or not. We notice the most subtle change in body language, and others notice these subtle changes in us. If you have a controller in your life, or more than one (which is the usual case), they are often even more astute than the average person at reading body language cues, noticing the slightest changes. They may have learned this skill out of self-preservation, or they may have honed it because they enjoy predation, or possibly just because manipulation is a habit within their families. Whatever the reason, the controller is often very much attuned to the smallest changes in others, especially their targets.
A controller's target is anyone they want to have power over. The reasons can range widely. Possessiveness, wanting to be their target's sole focus of attention, is common. Wanting power over the target's resources is also common. Sometimes envy of another person's being, their personality, their happiness, their light, is the reason a controller seeks to push them down, down below them.
In order to stay in power over another person, a controller keeps a lid on the emotional growth and strength of their target. They are actually hyper-vigilant of their target's body language and physiological changes. Laughter and outward displays of happiness are obvious to most of us, but to a controller, much more subtle changes are noticed. Extremely subtle. Such as the glow on your cheeks after a happy time, or an air of liberation around you when you feel like you are about to accomplish something. The look of focus in your eyes or on your face when you notice something that catches your interest or inspires you; the relaxed look of peace after a nice time; the feeling of relief when you realize that you have more money in the bank than you expected. The optimistic glint in your eye when you are planning a project that excites you. Even when these signs are miniscule, they will probably notice them. And those signs are their hair-triggers to sabotage.
It can be hard for a person who is not a controller to wrap their mind around this kind of focus on another person, especially for these reasons. But this controller person's focus in life is not the same as a healthier person; the control IS how they conduct their lives. It's how they get through their day. For many, it has become such a way of life that it is mostly subconscious and automatic, they don't even need to think about it to carry out their manipulation; it's reactive.
An example of this subtle sabotage: It's a beautiful night. You have been trying to get yourself to go walking more often, and since it's so gorgeous out, you decide to get your shoes on and go. Happy with yourself, and happy about the weather, your face shows a warm glow as you mention what you are about to do, and ask if anyone wants to join you. The response you get is not mutual appreciation for the lovely day, or shared enthusiasm for enjoying it on a walk; instead you get a cold, annoyed, or indifferent shrug, or a complaint about something that needs to be done or how hard their day was. You may also be told that they are much too busy to do something as leisurely as a walk. These responses might occasionally come from a non-controller, but without a feeling of heaviness; usually a refusal would be something more like "Oh I'd love to, but I'm in the middle of this thing I'm doing, go ahead, have a nice walk!" or "I can't go with you, I hurt my foot today, but go ahead!" or "I'd like to but I'm waiting for so and so to come over. Maybe later?" The difference is the air of genuine respect and politeness, as opposed to an implication of annoyance or some other negative feeling. The controller wants to dull the edge of your jubilant mood.
It may help to keep in mind that the controller's behavior is not about you, it's simply about their own need and desire to have power over their environment, which includes you.
Human beings are master observers, whether we are aware of it or not. We notice the most subtle change in body language, and others notice these subtle changes in us. If you have a controller in your life, or more than one (which is the usual case), they are often even more astute than the average person at reading body language cues, noticing the slightest changes. They may have learned this skill out of self-preservation, or they may have honed it because they enjoy predation, or possibly just because manipulation is a habit within their families. Whatever the reason, the controller is often very much attuned to the smallest changes in others, especially their targets.
A controller's target is anyone they want to have power over. The reasons can range widely. Possessiveness, wanting to be their target's sole focus of attention, is common. Wanting power over the target's resources is also common. Sometimes envy of another person's being, their personality, their happiness, their light, is the reason a controller seeks to push them down, down below them.
In order to stay in power over another person, a controller keeps a lid on the emotional growth and strength of their target. They are actually hyper-vigilant of their target's body language and physiological changes. Laughter and outward displays of happiness are obvious to most of us, but to a controller, much more subtle changes are noticed. Extremely subtle. Such as the glow on your cheeks after a happy time, or an air of liberation around you when you feel like you are about to accomplish something. The look of focus in your eyes or on your face when you notice something that catches your interest or inspires you; the relaxed look of peace after a nice time; the feeling of relief when you realize that you have more money in the bank than you expected. The optimistic glint in your eye when you are planning a project that excites you. Even when these signs are miniscule, they will probably notice them. And those signs are their hair-triggers to sabotage.
It can be hard for a person who is not a controller to wrap their mind around this kind of focus on another person, especially for these reasons. But this controller person's focus in life is not the same as a healthier person; the control IS how they conduct their lives. It's how they get through their day. For many, it has become such a way of life that it is mostly subconscious and automatic, they don't even need to think about it to carry out their manipulation; it's reactive.
An example of this subtle sabotage: It's a beautiful night. You have been trying to get yourself to go walking more often, and since it's so gorgeous out, you decide to get your shoes on and go. Happy with yourself, and happy about the weather, your face shows a warm glow as you mention what you are about to do, and ask if anyone wants to join you. The response you get is not mutual appreciation for the lovely day, or shared enthusiasm for enjoying it on a walk; instead you get a cold, annoyed, or indifferent shrug, or a complaint about something that needs to be done or how hard their day was. You may also be told that they are much too busy to do something as leisurely as a walk. These responses might occasionally come from a non-controller, but without a feeling of heaviness; usually a refusal would be something more like "Oh I'd love to, but I'm in the middle of this thing I'm doing, go ahead, have a nice walk!" or "I can't go with you, I hurt my foot today, but go ahead!" or "I'd like to but I'm waiting for so and so to come over. Maybe later?" The difference is the air of genuine respect and politeness, as opposed to an implication of annoyance or some other negative feeling. The controller wants to dull the edge of your jubilant mood.
It may help to keep in mind that the controller's behavior is not about you, it's simply about their own need and desire to have power over their environment, which includes you.
