You know how you're supposed to take the "bad" with the "good" when you have a friendship? That's about personality stuff. What someone likes or doesn't like, whether they're shy or outgoing, if they like sushi and you hate it, if they love snakes and spiders and you can't stand them. If they like all kinds of music and you only like rock, or you only like rap, or you only like classical. If they would rather hike than bike, and you would rather bike than hike. It's NOT about how they treat you, or how you treat them. It is NOT a part of being a "friend" to accept ill and callous or self-centered treatment, and it's especially not being a friend if you expect another person to accept it from you.
What Are You Ashamed Of? Abuse And Control
One of the best weapons in the arsenal of a
controlling person is anything they can use to hold over your head. If
you tell them in confidence that you did something in your past that you
feel guilty about, that can be turned into a weapon to use against you.
"Having something on you", like blackmailers on TV, is a very easy way
to exert control. Because you don't want your private things to be spread
all over the place, even if you fear that only on a
subconscious level, you can easily fall prey to walking on eggshells
around them, making sure you don't upset them, because you are afraid of
what they'll do. Those with high morals and good conscience are the
easiest targets for a controller, because they truly feel remorse for
past mistakes, AND because the controller is not afraid of retaliation;
persons with high morals are loathe to hurt another person, even if they
are abusive.
EVEN IF you didn't actually do anything that you
feel seriously remorseful about, they will still try this with things
they think you MIGHT feel bad about, or things they think you would not
want exposed, or things they make up in their own imagination, pure
fiction. If the controller is a habitual gossiper, they have probably
already told all of your secrets, and made up some more, just to keep
the attention of whoever is listening.
If you are not ashamed of anything you have done, or when you have LET GO of shame attached to things you have done, (guilt is not shame), then they will not be able to hold things over your head in order to make you do their bidding. Facing your guilt, remorse, and shame head on, and making amends to those you have hurt in an open and direct way. is the path to finding redemption and letting go of shame. Even if the recipient of your apology and amends does not accept, or is very angry, giving them the apology and attempting amends anyway is still the route to redemption. If that's not possible because the person is unavailable for any reason, or because they are dangerous, then the next best thing is to tell someone else what you did, and make amends in another way; but ONLY if the person is honestly unreachable or dangerous.
If you are not ashamed of anything you have done, or when you have LET GO of shame attached to things you have done, (guilt is not shame), then they will not be able to hold things over your head in order to make you do their bidding. Facing your guilt, remorse, and shame head on, and making amends to those you have hurt in an open and direct way. is the path to finding redemption and letting go of shame. Even if the recipient of your apology and amends does not accept, or is very angry, giving them the apology and attempting amends anyway is still the route to redemption. If that's not possible because the person is unavailable for any reason, or because they are dangerous, then the next best thing is to tell someone else what you did, and make amends in another way; but ONLY if the person is honestly unreachable or dangerous.
Remember that every single human on the Earth makes all kinds of
mistakes, and has all kind of "flaws" and "faults". If someone is
holding something over your head, or trying to use something you have
done or do to make you look bad, or treating you as if you are not as
"good" or as "worthy" and therefore don't deserve the same normal
courteous treatment as anyone else, they are a controller.
What Does A Narcissist Look Like?
The Narcissist is the "friend" who changes
plans on you constantly in order to accommodate their schedule,
regardless of yours, who desires the attention of anyone you are
interested in, who invites you to a party and then treats you like you
don't really belong, who's problems are always a crisis in need of your
help, no matter how small, but who treats your problems as if they are
due to your incompetence and are
petty, no matter how large;
The coworker who constantly tries to take credit for your work and make you look bad;
The doctor who rushes through your exam to get out of there to go play squash;
The landlord who demands timely rent payments but won't fix anything;
The roommate who treats you as if you are in their way when you're home, and your stuff is a nuisance, even though you pay half, or more than half the rent;
The wife who acts as if her family is better and more important than her husband's, who acts as if the sun rises and sets on her side of the family, but that his are just low-class peasants and don't deserve the time of day;
The clergy who act like they are "Holy" and you are not;
The atheist who believes that anyone who does not believe the same as they do is "stupid", and doesn't hesitate to tell them so;
The teacher who only helps his favored students and treats the rest as if they aren't able to learn, a waste of time;
The husband who is judgmental, self-important, and bossy toward his wife,who honestly feels that he is superior to her, and makes a habit of criticizing her, judging her, and ordering her around, but can't stand to be bothered with anything she wants, needs, or wants to talk about;
The sibling who believes they are a better human being and deserve to be favored;
The adult child who only keeps in contact to get money and stuff;
The boss who thinks of himself as a superior being who should be catered to and served, and his employees as inferior creatures who should put him before anyone else;
The employee who thinks they are far superior to their boss, and believes they would run the company much better, and deserves the position without going through promotions or school that everyone else would go through, and without just starting their own company;
The musician or artist who accepts your accolades for his or her work with or without a show of gratitude, but lets you know that your musicianship or artwork is not deserving of attention or respect, or even encouragement. Either with passive aggressive behavior, or with direct insult.
The parent who can't be bothered with their child's needs, and denies the child's wants, as if the child's existence is a burden;
The significant other who expects their animal-loving partner to give up his or her interests in animals, and not have any pets, because they don't like them;
The animal welfare worker who believes they have a gift with animals that you couldn't possibly have.
They aren't just politicians and cult leaders, they can be found anywhere there are humans.
The coworker who constantly tries to take credit for your work and make you look bad;
The doctor who rushes through your exam to get out of there to go play squash;
The landlord who demands timely rent payments but won't fix anything;
The roommate who treats you as if you are in their way when you're home, and your stuff is a nuisance, even though you pay half, or more than half the rent;
The wife who acts as if her family is better and more important than her husband's, who acts as if the sun rises and sets on her side of the family, but that his are just low-class peasants and don't deserve the time of day;
The clergy who act like they are "Holy" and you are not;
The atheist who believes that anyone who does not believe the same as they do is "stupid", and doesn't hesitate to tell them so;
The teacher who only helps his favored students and treats the rest as if they aren't able to learn, a waste of time;
The husband who is judgmental, self-important, and bossy toward his wife,who honestly feels that he is superior to her, and makes a habit of criticizing her, judging her, and ordering her around, but can't stand to be bothered with anything she wants, needs, or wants to talk about;
The sibling who believes they are a better human being and deserve to be favored;
The adult child who only keeps in contact to get money and stuff;
The boss who thinks of himself as a superior being who should be catered to and served, and his employees as inferior creatures who should put him before anyone else;
The employee who thinks they are far superior to their boss, and believes they would run the company much better, and deserves the position without going through promotions or school that everyone else would go through, and without just starting their own company;
The musician or artist who accepts your accolades for his or her work with or without a show of gratitude, but lets you know that your musicianship or artwork is not deserving of attention or respect, or even encouragement. Either with passive aggressive behavior, or with direct insult.
The parent who can't be bothered with their child's needs, and denies the child's wants, as if the child's existence is a burden;
The significant other who expects their animal-loving partner to give up his or her interests in animals, and not have any pets, because they don't like them;
The animal welfare worker who believes they have a gift with animals that you couldn't possibly have.
They aren't just politicians and cult leaders, they can be found anywhere there are humans.
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