How To Treat The Opposite Sex

Basic parameters for treatment of the opposite sex:

> If you would not say it to one of your same-sex friends because it's demeaning, disrespectful or presumptuous, then why would you say it to a member of the opposite sex?

> How do you show genuine respect and friendship to your comrades of the same sex? Do at least that (not LESS than that) toward members of the opposite sex.

> What is your "ethics code"? What are your personal integrity parameters? It's not integrity if you only do it sometimes with certain people, but not with others.

> Basic manners and courtesy. If you wouldn't "blow off" or lie to one of your same-sex friends because it's wrong or lame, then why on earth would you do that to a person of the opposite sex?

> Pay attention. Other people don't come in some kind of prefab packages. Each human has different strengths and talents, experiences, wisdom, knowledge, and points of view. No one is some kind of "clone" of others who are the same sex, height, race, or hair color. Grow up. No two women are the same, and no two men are the same, no matter how deep someone's personal gender biases and issues are.

> Don't assume you know anything at all about another person, especially based on their sex, body, age, or appearance. That is one of the most naive and ignorant things that humans seem to stay stuck in developmentally.
That big hulking African-looking guy you just saw might be the sweetest person you ever met, loves baby animals, children, his Mom, can't play basketball, has a degree in physics, enjoys software programming, cooks dinner for his wife every night, is an avid quilter, is not a Democrat, lost all of his siblings in a terrible accident, who's best friend is his female cousin who helps people in their community with him.
That small blond woman with the voluptuous figure, with dirt on her hands  you just saw might be the most humble person you ever met, who drag races and restores vintage cars, who's a master carpenter, who rescues abused animals, helps all of her elderly neighbors, paints portraits, studied biology and chemistry, has survived a severely abusive childhood in foster care, does not belong to a political party, and loves her children and her husband, who love and respect her back.
Both of them are Science Fiction fans, neither can stand Television Soap Operas or reality shows, both can take or leave professional sports, and would much rather play sports with close friends and family just for fun.  
None of it could have been "assumed" or "guessed", one would have to actually get to know them to find out any of these things.

Treating You Like You're Stupid

Another very common Narc. trait (that less mature people do also, such as children who have not yet grown out of this stage) is assuming you know NOTHING about a particular subject, or are emotionally weak, fragile, and histrionic~ if you ask a single question, make an observation, or express an emotion.
What you say and what they hear are quite often two completely different things.

Your question:
"Which brand of decking that you carry is the least slippery when it gets wet?"
What the N hears:
"I know absolutely nothing about decks, materials, or building, I don't even know how to hold a screwdriver, I'm fragile and clueless, and I need your superior and extensive knowledge and experience to walk me through this terribly overwhelming decision."

Your question:
"Would you reach that for me? I want to look at it."
What the N hears:
"Would you please help me? I can't reach that because I'm so little and weak, and you're so capable, important, and knowledgeable. And strong. Stronger than ME."

Your question:
"What's your opinion on this guitar vs. that one?"
What the N hears:
"Please explain to me what a guitar is? I've never touched one before, and I know nothing at all about them, and I greatly admire and look up to YOU, who obviously has vast knowledge and talent, far and above anything I could ever have! You're one of those "real" musicians, I can tell! I'm just a squealing, silly wanna-be!"

Your observation:
"Look at those birds way over there! Is that a swan? I can't see it from here."
What the N hears:
"Look! Some kind of animal, bird-like creature, I don't know anything about them, I'm completely ignorant and can't tell one bird from another, and have never learned the names of any birds, because I'm not smart enough, and I fear nature and wild animals because I'm so fragile and silly. Please, please enlighten me, tap into your encyclopedic knowledge and explain to me what birds are, and what kind of bird that might be."

Your observation:
"It looks like rain."
What the N hears:
"OH NO there might be water falling from the sky! My hairdo will get ruined! I am too fragile to get wet, I'm afraid I'll get sick! This will ruin everything! Save me!"

Your expression:
"Wow, she was rude to me, that was annoying." (after dealing with a female medical staffer who was condescending and rude to you, but not to them.)
What the N hears:

Your expression:
"Wow that guy was arrogant and rude to me." (after dealing with a male sales person who was condescending and rude to you, but not to them)
What the N hears:
"WHAAA! I am angry and jealous because that man did not treat me like a princess! I am jealous and envious because MEN ARE SMARTER AND DESERVE MORE RESPECT than us silly, crazy, stupid women! I am a hateful, angry, jealous, nagging woman!"
"WHAAA! I am angry and jealous because that guy ignored me, because I'm not as much of a MAN as you are! I am such a weakling, and shy, I WISH I WAS MORE LIKE YOU so REAL MEN would treat me like a MAN, like they treat YOU!"

Your question:
"Were you just flirting with that guy in a serious way?"
What the N hears:
"WHAAA! I'm a weak, jealous, insecure man, and you're so HOT, and I'll never get another girl like YOU! Are you going to LEAVE ME for that other guy? He is SO MUCH more attractive than I am! You're gonna leave me, aren't you? WHAAA!"

Your statement:
"Check out that car!"
What the N hears:
"WOW! A car! It looks like some kind of "sports car" to me! Aren't those fast? What kind is it? I don't know anything about cars at all, but I know you do, because you're so smart, and know so many things!"

The really funny (or annoying, or aggravating) part is that a Narcissist will often take the conversation and run with it, actually believing their own skewed assumption that the other person is clueless, or "over-emotional", or scared. Many will proceed to give completely erroneous information, things they just make up on the spot. (That bird, well yes, that's a long-necked yellow-footed red-billed Stork, and I can tell that it's a male from it's tailfeathers...) or (The best decking is actually made of cardboard fibers that are mixed together with flax seed and recycled water bottles, this never gets slippery. When does your husband/father/contractor want to pick it up?)

*Narcissists are commonly sexist and cling to stereotypes, archetypes, and fictional beliefs about gender and appearance; they think they know you by what you look like and what your gender is. This is reflected blatantly in the way they treat others, and how they view themselves.

Narcissists And Kids

One of the common traits of Narcissism that contributes to its spread, dramatically, is lack of awareness and concern about one's influence on children. Narcissists tend to display self-righteousness regarding their influence on children, if they have any awareness about it at all. They don't care about how they treat children, what they say to them, or how their behavior affects them. Some with s...ociopath traits seem to take glee in influencing children to mimic their anti-social and anti-empathetic behavior and attitudes. Many use children as pawns and weapons against their "rivals", not only during custody disputes, but just as a regular easy tactic. They show little or no concern for children's emotional, mental, or physical well-being, unless the child is on their "favorites" list, and even then, they show little or no concern about their influence.
It can be very difficult for a parent who has to deal with Narc. relatives, friends, or obviously an N coparent. The desire for children to have a network of support conflicts with the actual reality of the people who would be in that network, who end up being more negative for the child's development and overall life than positive.
Narcissists do the same thing with children as they do in intimate relationships: they adamantly refuse to review their own behavior, or self-examine, or visit that their actions may not be "perfectly fine". They will usually defend and justify everything they do and say no matter how ludicrous, abusive, neglectful, or blatantly negative or even dangerous it is.

Red Flag That's Easy To Spot: Condescension

  • Condescension is one of the easiest flags to see; many Narcissists will do it before they have targeted someone personally, before they have started putting on the facade. It's easy to get this one "down" so it's obvious to recognize right off the bat (but it's not foolproof, there are people who are not "NPD" who condescend and there are N's who know better than to do it openly). To see it, just pay attention to strangers, like store clerks and waitstaff, sales people in various stores, the doctor's office, receptionists and nursing staff, school faculty; really anywhere there are humans~ listen to how they speak to you.
    Condescension sounds like "I KNOW you know less than I do just by looking at you, so I'm going to over explain, change my vocal tone, invade your space, and assume you are completely clueless" or "I see you as a naive, inexperienced child, and myself as a fully capable and important adult". Or, "You're just a girl, (or just a boy, or just a young person, or just an older person...) so I am going to speak to you as if you just fell off the turnip truck, like you have no clue what's going on, either here or in life in general".

    It can also sound and look like "You're one of those dumb blondies, aren't you?!" or "You're a cute little piece of fluff!" or "Look at those abs.." or "Why don't you cut/dye your hair?!"
    or "You should gain/lose some weight, you'd be really hot"
    It can sound and look like "You'd be happier if..." or "You whine too much.." or "You need to get a thicker skin..." or "Lighten up!"

    It can sound and look like "You don't really belong here... you're not like us..."

    It can also sound and look like "I really like your friend! You, however, I already don't like..."
    or "I am pleased to speak to your friend (partner/relative/coworker), and I am showing them respect and courtesy. You, however, are a "lower" person, so I'm just going to pretend you don't even exist."

    It can also sound like "You don't know what you're talking about" or "You are not as wise as I, or my associates..."

    It can also sound like SILENCE~ a lack of acknowledgment of your PRESENCE, or of the fact that you spoke, or of what you actually said.

    Basically, people who condescend seem to enjoy it, because apparently it gives them a sense of feeling like a "grown up", above and beyond lowly and clueless "child-people" like us...

    Being able to recognize the signs and sounds of condescension (not just vocal tone) can be a tremendous asset in protecting one's self from future Narcissist problems, seeing through b.s., getting ripped off, and getting manipulated.

    Amazingly, many humans will TRUST a condescender MORE than they will trust a person who treats them with respect, because their perception has been skewed from growing up around so much Narcissism. Condescension sounds like confidence, experience, and knowledge to many people, unfortunately for them. Good for con-artists, though...
    For example, Mark calls three contractors to remodel his kitchen. The one who is the master craftsperson and carpenter is confident and sincere, so she simply answers Mark's questions and does not speak to him with an arrogant tone. Her price is in the middle of the three, and she is actually the most skilled and will do the best job. The other two are not as skilled; one of them is honest and also does not speak to Mark in an arrogant tone, but Mark senses that they may not be that experienced. The third one who bids far and above both of the others is the one Mark hires~ because he spoke DOWN to Mark, treating Mark like he was a complete novice, even clueless, even not very bright. Mark swallowed it hook line and sinker, without even finding more information about any of the contractors. If he had asked around, he would have found out that the middle bidder was easily the best and most talented, and the highest bidder has had several complaints about shoddy work and even unfinished jobs.
    It happens all the time, from the highest levels government, to "Big Business" all the way to fast food employees. People don't realize that condescension is NOT a sign of knowledge, experience, or intelligence, it's just a sign of arrogance and delusions of grandeur, and actually indicates an absence of skill and knowledge, and disinterest in seeking information.