Triangulation, Blocking Friendships

Seems like every time you talk to someone else, the person in your life you suspect has Narcissism has to insert themselves into the conversation, or literally get between you, or cut you off? Do they seem to get upset whenever you talk to someone when they weren't present, especially someone they know or like, or someone they're apparently intimidated by or jealous of?

(Notwithstanding you speaking to a person who has hurt or betrayed them. That's something that Narcissists will often do; make sure to preserve a relationship with a person who has betrayed, disrespected, or abused their target, and will often do so as if to support and sympathize with the perpetrator, regardless of the original relationship between them. Preserving peace in a family is one thing; being "buddies" and sympathizing with an acquaintance, a "friend", an ex, or family member who treated the target abusively is quite another.)

Or they act hurt or offended, like you're leaving them out on purpose every time you speak to someone else in a friendly manner, or when someone speaks to you?

Triangulation is the name of the game. Because of their paranoia and control issues, they have to control ties between people they know, and communications, and relationships.

If you become "close" with someone else, then THEY might get left out or abandoned by either you or the other person (in their mind).
THEY might become the target of the same things they're already doing to others (or to you) if you make some kind of connection with another person.

Since they control and manipulate ties and relationships between those around them, especially targets, they are likely to fear that they are going to be the one being manipulated or abandoned if they aren't in control of a connection between you and someone else.

If you are a person who has good intentions and healthy relationship practices, you wouldn't triangulate against them, betray them, or abandon them in the first place just because you had a friend.
(If that's not the case, then they might not be paranoid after all.)
But assuming that you do not do those things, and would not to them, then their actions regarding your connections with others has to do with projection, paranoia, or control, or all of the above.   

No Jokes Allowed (Except For Mine)

"Losing" your sense of humor is one of the signs of Narcissistic control, abuse, or influence.
Humor is one of the things that both humans and chimps share, and openly laughing can only take place in relatively safe environments.

Because it's also used as a weapon for demeaning and diminishing others, it's a kind of status display. So in a safe environment anyone can laugh and will be joined by others because no one is thinking of it as a status display or a weapon.

But in a Control, bully, status-competition environment, any nearby Narcissists or Controllers will react negatively to someone laughing whom they want control and domination over (whom they want to be higher status than).

Basically, Controllers typically don't like it when others laugh or make jokes unless they're the ones "being funny", or unless they laughed FIRST.

There are tons of films and shows with scenes that illustrate and poke fun at how Controller Narcissists, often depicted as some kind of Big Boss, expect everyone to laugh at all of their jokes, and don't like it when someone else makes a joke or laughs at something other than what the Controller decides is funny.

If He Or She Does Not Respect You, There Can Be No Healthy Connection

If a person does not respect you, it's often because they are lacking respect for themselves for some reason, not because you aren't a person who "deserves respect".

(Whether you are or you aren't is not up to their personal judgment, feelings, bias, assumptions, or resentments, and certainly not about your sex, race, height, weight, accent, the way you look or how much money you do or don't have, nor is it about whether you can cook or not, or repair the house or not, or what your job or your interests are; it's about much more important things: how you treat people, how ethical and honest you are, how much real integrity you have.)

If you ask them, they are likely to say that respect is earned, not given, which means they probably have respect confused with adulation, fear, and prestige. They may not know what respect really is, and that it's freely given first in healthy civilizations and then lost if one does something terrible to lose it, something that shows they aren't trustworthy, like scamming, lying, betrayal, or abusiveness. Then it can possibly be re-earned later, maybe, by showing that one is earnestly behaving in a trustworthy manner.



Shame and the lack of respect are related to one another.
One does not simply carry SHAME around until they can "prove" that they don't deserve it.
REAL shame comes from REAL misdeeds, it doesn't appear out of nowhere, unless someone who is mentally ill is casting that shame upon another person for the sole purpose of hurting them or their reputation.
Those who "don't respect" others for no legitimate reason are likely to have control issues and are likely to be shame-casters, trying to make other people "lesser" in order to make themselves feel "bigger", because they lack self-respect, and may have no idea how to build it. 

They can not be someone whom you can connect with in a real way that's beneficial because: ~they are not going to ever want to see your point of view or even hear it;
~they will take any request or suggestion as you making "demands" of them;
~they will react to your every single non-positive emotional expression with insult, blame, shame, defensiveness and rejection;
~they are not going to behave caringly toward you unless you are giving them something;
~they are going to accuse you of being self-centered and dramatic whenever you're upset about anything, even about things that have nothing to do with them, and even if they were extremely traumatic events for you such as physical attack, rape, robbery, natural disaster, death of a loved one, abuse, severe loss, etc.;
~they are not going to remember anything positive about you;
~they will see everything you do and say in a negative light;
~they will not have respect for your loved ones including children and parents, or for your other friends, or the relationships between you and other people;
~they will not have respect for your goals, plans, ambitions, work, hobbies, interests, studies;
~they will not have respect for your strengths, capabilities, skills, knowledge, or experience;
~they will not have respect for your intelligence or personality
~they will not have respect for your possessions or finances
~they will not have respect for your reputation, personal or business
~they will not have respect for your pets
~and they will not let go of you, because to them you're not a "real" person. They will BLAME you for distancing yourself from them to avoid the way they treat you, as if you're abandoning them or treating them unfairly. 

Unfortunately there is no way to actually communicate with them, they are standing ready to knock down any words you say like a tennis player hitting any ball that comes toward them. They aren't going to "catch" any of them, they're just going to hit them. So it's simply not possible to communicate, not even to tell them that you care about them, or that they deserve their own respect. (Forget about getting a neutral third party to help with communication, they'll reject that too, or if they do go, they'll bring that tennis racket with them anyway. They don't respect you, so let go of them, stop trying, it's pointless.)

The Opposite Of Support: Narcissism

Narcissists are not supportive of others who are having any kind of difficulty or hardship, especially on an emotional level.

If you are grieving the death of someone, they will likely be annoyed or bored.

If you are grieving the loss of a relationship, they will likely be annoyed and may say something like "Oh get over it".

If you are injured or ill, they will likely be annoyed and leave you there, alone, and NOT be compelled to help you. They will likely not call for someone else to help, unless they can make it dramatic, or imply that you were "to blame" for your injury or illness.
 
If you are being attacked, threatened, or abused by someone else, they are likely to act annoyed at you, and will often tell you to "get over it" or to be more understanding of the other person; they may even act protective of the other person.

If you are depressed, they are likely to reject you.
The more severe your depression, the more likely their rejection will be abrupt or cruel. 

If you are upset with them because of something they did or said, they are likely to reject or rage at you, or both.

If you are dealing with some kind of hardship that was or was not your "fault", they are likely to make fun of you either to your face or behind you back, and judge you negatively, but will likely NOT be supportive of you either emotionally or materially.

Severe Narcissists will take the opportunity of a person's hardship to "kick them when they're down" and sabotage their recovery, putting obstacles in their path, blocking solutions, or doing things to remove or prevent support from other people.

A great deal of Narcissistic behavior is about control and domination.

Basically the more "in need" you are for someone else to care, understand, help, comfort, or just be present, the more likely a Narcissist is to do the opposite, and the more severe their reaction will probably be. Their reactions to other people's emotions, situations and needs are opposite to non-narcissists. 

"Giver" Vs. "Doormat"

A "good" relationship, whether it's romantic, friendship, or family, is one where there is MUTUAL support. If one person is being supportive of the other, and of the relationship itself, and the other is taking that support but not actively giving any back, then it's not a mutually supportive relationship, and the first person is likely to burn out or leave.

In relationships with Narcissistic people, this one-way dynamic is compounded by the N's habit of isolating the other person so they don't get support from anyone else, either. Also, N's want extra and more support than other people do, they want all compassion and allowance for literally anything and everything they do and say, they want to own the other person and use their energy, care, and strength, (and other things as well depending on the individual N.) and then want to "keep it", not giving any back, or giving it in drips and drops to keep the other person believing that they really do care, but then taking it away on a regular basis because they have to have "control".
When the "giver's" energy is depleted, there is no one to help them fill back up.

In other words, the "giver" is the one who is there when the other is upset, or is having a hard time, is sick, is dealing with hardship, tragedy, or loss. They are there being supportive and encouraging about the other's work, goals, and ambitions, and supportive of them personally and publicly. They stand up for them against detractors and rally support from others.
The "giver" is tolerant and even understanding of the other's emotional expressions even when they're very angry, and tries to understand and figure out the reasons behind the other person's actions that are not kind, respectful or considerate toward them. The "giver" tries to find ways to improve the relationship, heal themselves and help the other person. The "giver" does not desire to cause the other pain or hardship with abandonment, rejection, or abuse, and is quick to apologize and make amends when they've misstepped, or caused pain or sadness. Since the "giver" is not arrogant, they don't assume they have all the answers; they look for support, advice, and information from outside sources.

If both parties were doing these things and had a similar outlook, then the relationship would likely become healthy and solid very quickly. These things that "givers" do are not unhealthy, they are peace and solution-oriented. They become unhealthy when they are doing these things in a relationship with a person who is not interested in doing any of these things, in "giving back", in mutual support and compassion, in mutual respect, or in the other person's well-being, needs, and goals. They may want the "giver's" compassion, tolerance, care, respect, attention, love, and understanding very much, but they really are not interested in giving it back, or learning what it means to give it back.

Often, the "giver" is seeking a genuine connection with the other person, but the other person doesn't really want that, even if they say they do; they see "connection" as a tether where they become tied down with "obligation" and have to monitor and restrain their behavior, especially when it's with someone who is the opposite sex and/or a different age group. (Many narcissistic people only want "connection" with people who they identify with very, very closely; others they just want to receive things from, from care and attention to service to material goods.)

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There are levels of Narcissistic relationships, and they take different forms. Some N.'s want the other person's emotional support, respect, attention, help, or praise, but have no intention of giving it back.

As the "level" increases, more and more things can replace "emotional support and respect", or can be added on top of that. For example it's typical for a sociopath Narcissist to want a person's money, but have no intention of paying it back or supporting them in any way.