It is good to prove our own strength and ability to ourselves, and let it build our confidence. Comparing ourselves to others and trying to prove we are superior is not the same thing, and is not required to build confidence. It can have the effect of becoming a negative habit, where we become satisfied with ourselves as long as we can find someone to dominate. Eventually we stop looking for our own growth and seek out flaws in others, or even create them if we can't find any.
Narcissist Parents
"
"I am 19, female. For years it's been like this.. my parents are always criticizing me over everything. I was going out with this one guy for two years, and we were engaged. I lost my virginity to him at 18 while engaged, thinking we were getting married. Well, he betrayed me and broke my heart. Awhile passed, and I met this new guy. We're truly in love, and really feel we're the one for each other. We just had that sudden connection and bonding that is so nice. We are starting to get serious though. I am loving this situation between he and I. Problem is, is my parents. I can never talk to them without them critizing me. They treat me like a child, making me do chores all the time, doing their chores, threatening to spank me all the time, force me to stay at home when I forgot to do a chore, and control where I go in my car. When I was out job-hunting a lot (I am laid off), I would need their gas credit card to get gas. Well, my dad would scream at me if he saw that I got a soda or two while getting gas. He'd yell at me when I got gas and forgot to inform him. So now that my boyfriend and I are getting serious, I would like to tell my parents about the situation, and how I feel about him. But I am scared to because with my ex, they criticized me. I didn't even tell them yet that I am not a virgin anymore. Last night coming home from seeing my boyfriend, they wanted to talk to me about the "Sex talk." Mad because I am 19, and know what sex is.. but they think I know nothing about it. Today, I cried because I wanted to tell my parents about some ants that got in my room. They yelled at me for that. I am sick right now, and they wanted me to clean. I have done most of it, and my dad checked up on me and saw I wasn't finished so he started yelling at me. Right when I tried to respond, he slams my door. My mom used to be a severe alcoholic, now she drinks heavily once or twice a week (not sure if that's still considred alcoholism). When she's drunk, she triew to find me and she hits me, and yells at me. My dad doesn't drink, but he is stressed from having no job so he takes it out on me. My parents blame me for everything that happens in the house. If a diet coke is gone from the fridge, I get yelled at, and I don't even drink diet coke. I can't tell them anything, I feel like a young child in this house. My younger sister gets to do what she wants. She smokes, and plays video games all day. My parents know and don't care. I personally prefer not to drink, smoke, or do drugs, I attend online college full-time, and I do spend my time on this advice column giving advice; but today I need advice myself. I am trying my best to get a job, and leave.. my boyfriend is going to find a place after he gets home from Myrtle Beach which, and comes back next Sunday (not this coming one). When he does, and I move with him, I lose everything.. so I guess I am screwed. I can't move in with anyone else for that same reason, plus no one will take me in temporarily. Please help me, and give me advice on this matter. I just feel broken and helpess, when I am trying my best to stay strong. Thanks in advance.
"When they saw what awards I had earned, they complimented me and told my mom that she should be so proud to have such a beautiful and smart daughter like me. She just nodded and somehow managed to turn the conversation over to my brother’s graduation."
"My mom only focuses on my weaknesses, not strengths. I’ve asked her why she has to compare me to other girls and why she has to criticize me. She says she compares me to other girls because it’s supposed to be an inspiration for me to do better. In my head, I’m thinking, “So everything I’ve done hasn’t even reached good?” "
"My mom only focuses on my weaknesses, not strengths. I’ve asked her why she has to compare me to other girls and why she has to criticize me. She says she compares me to other girls because it’s supposed to be an inspiration for me to do better. In my head, I’m thinking, “So everything I’ve done hasn’t even reached good?” "
"My dad constantly puts me down and criticizes me.
I am a normal 14 year old girl who has good grades, has never done drugs or had sex (like most kids at school), never had a boyfriend and I am very calm/patient/mellow. I'm not the kind of person who talks back and yells all the time. I just take a deep breath and move on but lately, that technique is wearing out. Today, when I was playing piano my dad (who acts very snotty and arrogant) huffs loudly from his room when I apparently made a "mistake", walks out of his room into the living room (where I am playing piano) and says, "You've played this for a long time and you never get anything right. You play like crap and you get this mixed up and messed up all the time." then he goes back to his room and slams the door. It's called "practicing piano" for a reason, for god's sake. Am I not allowed to make mistakes? The problem is, I practice piano EVERYDAY and he criticizes me EVERYDAY. I make mistakes but at least, I try to fix them.
He puts me down how I eat too much (when I don't), he says "THANK YOU." arrogantly whenever I kindly refuse a meal that is offered to me, if he misunderstands and thinks I'm disrespecting him he talks to me like a little piece of crap. For example, today I was laying down on my top bunk on my laptop. He was peeking over trying to look at my laptop (he's extremely nosy) and started talking. I turned over but not out of disrespect, I was going to listen but I was just randomly tossing and turning. He misunderstood and thought I was blowing him off. He said, "I talking to you, OK." in an angry, stern voice. (He's Asian, excuse the grammar. Hehe.) So I turned around and he proceeded to tell me that my niece who is the same age as me studies until 11PM. How was that going to benefit me? Obviously, that would only make me feel bad and he knew that. I know what you're going to say. "Sit him down and have a talk with him." Our family doesn't work that way. We don't sit down and have talks. If I ever sat him down to talk about how he's treated me, he'd just yell and say, "How do I insult you all time?!" and have these dramatic outbursts. I just need advice how to cope with this because it's driving me into depression.
I feel like dirt whenever he insults/criticizes me and I'm sick of it. Whenever I cry, it's always related to family. I can't handle it anymore. He even treats my older sister better than me AND my mom. He treats my mom like a piece of ****, too. She cooks all his meals EVERYDAY and I never heard him say Thank You. EVER. He only thanks my sister when she visits home and cooks for him. My dad talks to my mom like he KNOWS he's better than her and that he's the best at everything and that he's better than everyone but especially her. My mom admits that she only stays with him so we can keep paying off the house and feed the family. I cried when she told me this. He's a snobby, stuck-up, arrogant asshole. I've TRIED to find ways to love him but he makes it impossible. I don't like him. This may seem harsh but I don't think I would care if he left this house. He makes me cry all the time and never expresses love towards me. Only my older sister because she acts fake and sucks up to him.
I need help, please.
* 2 years ago
(Additional Details)
@Definitely no Aphrodite - He is not my stepdad so I'm Asian too! I'm not trying to bash on our race but our race tends to be strict, you know? I cannot live with my sister since I go to school here and I don't like my sister very much.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I've been there done that. You father is exhibiting behaviors he learned and experienced at home. His parents or whomever raised him treated him the exact way especially being Asian. Asian people are proud people with a very rich heritage. He wants you to pick up where he failed as a child in his parents eyes. He had a sad childhood. Forgive him that's all he knows. Without disrespecting him. standing up for yourself is NOT disrespect. Ask him kindly about his childhood and watch how angry he will get. This will give you the answer you are seeking. When you get the answer my advice to you is to try to understand how he grew up and why he gets on you. This is the only way he knows how to show you love because this is how "love" was shown to him this is what he thinks is love. when he gets angry you be nicer to him and eventually he will change. DO not encourage his negativity. for example if he says"why cant you play the piano yet ? kindly reply I understand how important it is for you that I learn how to play the piano and how much money you spent for me to take lessons but dad remember I also have school that I have to focus on and you know how much getting a good education means to me.Or would you like to practice with me dad? He will change over time when he sees that you're not giving into his negativity.
Source(s):
Personal experience of living with abusive father for 24 years. I'm 30 years old and I have begun a new life from past abuse. I know what its like living with a father like yours. Good luck and if you ever need more advice let me know. Good luck and have patience I know you can do it!
"I am 19, female. For years it's been like this.. my parents are always criticizing me over everything. I was going out with this one guy for two years, and we were engaged. I lost my virginity to him at 18 while engaged, thinking we were getting married. Well, he betrayed me and broke my heart. Awhile passed, and I met this new guy. We're truly in love, and really feel we're the one for each other. We just had that sudden connection and bonding that is so nice. We are starting to get serious though. I am loving this situation between he and I. Problem is, is my parents. I can never talk to them without them critizing me. They treat me like a child, making me do chores all the time, doing their chores, threatening to spank me all the time, force me to stay at home when I forgot to do a chore, and control where I go in my car. When I was out job-hunting a lot (I am laid off), I would need their gas credit card to get gas. Well, my dad would scream at me if he saw that I got a soda or two while getting gas. He'd yell at me when I got gas and forgot to inform him. So now that my boyfriend and I are getting serious, I would like to tell my parents about the situation, and how I feel about him. But I am scared to because with my ex, they criticized me. I didn't even tell them yet that I am not a virgin anymore. Last night coming home from seeing my boyfriend, they wanted to talk to me about the "Sex talk." Mad because I am 19, and know what sex is.. but they think I know nothing about it. Today, I cried because I wanted to tell my parents about some ants that got in my room. They yelled at me for that. I am sick right now, and they wanted me to clean. I have done most of it, and my dad checked up on me and saw I wasn't finished so he started yelling at me. Right when I tried to respond, he slams my door. My mom used to be a severe alcoholic, now she drinks heavily once or twice a week (not sure if that's still considred alcoholism). When she's drunk, she triew to find me and she hits me, and yells at me. My dad doesn't drink, but he is stressed from having no job so he takes it out on me. My parents blame me for everything that happens in the house. If a diet coke is gone from the fridge, I get yelled at, and I don't even drink diet coke. I can't tell them anything, I feel like a young child in this house. My younger sister gets to do what she wants. She smokes, and plays video games all day. My parents know and don't care. I personally prefer not to drink, smoke, or do drugs, I attend online college full-time, and I do spend my time on this advice column giving advice; but today I need advice myself. I am trying my best to get a job, and leave.. my boyfriend is going to find a place after he gets home from Myrtle Beach which, and comes back next Sunday (not this coming one). When he does, and I move with him, I lose everything.. so I guess I am screwed. I can't move in with anyone else for that same reason, plus no one will take me in temporarily. Please help me, and give me advice on this matter. I just feel broken and helpess, when I am trying my best to stay strong. Thanks in advance.
"Oh Mom. Oh Honey." From The Washington Post
"Do you think you would have accomplished all this if you had stayed
married?" "Absolutely not," I said. "If I'd stayed married, I wouldn't
have gone to grad school to get my PhD."
"Well," she replied, "if you'd stayed married you wouldn't have had to." Ouch. With her casual remark, my mother had reduced all I had accomplished to the consolation prize.
Making Narcissists
If a child is treated as a Prince or a
Princess by one person, (or people), and treated with contempt and abuse
by another person (or people), then the child often ends up believing
that life is good only when they are being treated like royalty. They
may automatically FEAR, or become enraged, with anyone who does not
treat them like royalty, because that means those people are of the
OTHER kind ~...
the abusive ones. Maturing out of this imprint might be close to
impossible, and extremely painful for the person, it's the world that
was given to them. They were not shown enough healthy boundaries,
healthy interaction, or healthy encouragement and discipline to offset
the other extreme treatment. They really have no idea what it's like to
co-exist with others; they were either being put on a throne, or thrown
in the dungeon. On the throne, they are taught that they are above all
others, and anyone who is upset is "just jealous of them" and not to be
cared about, and in the dungeon they are fighting for their very hearts
and hides, so no time or strength to care for others. So either life is a
feather pillow with servants, or you are being thrown in the dirt,
ostracized, and starved. This is one way Narcissists are made.
For those who don't like metaphors and analogies, here is a real life example.
Little Frankie is 7 years old. His parents Susanna and Steven work a lot, but both sets of grandparents volunteer to help babysit. When Frankie is at Susanna's parents house, his grandfather treats him like the "son he never had". He spends lots of good, positive time with Frankie, teaching him how to do everything he thinks a "son" should know how to do. All the positive time spent with Frankie would be good, if it weren't for the exaggerated praise he gives his grandson; anything that Frankie does, Susanna's father praises him as if he has accomplished a great feat. This both confuses Frankie and inflates his very young ego to uncomfortable levels. He does not like to discipline Frankie when he breaks rules or talks back, and makes excuses for his behavior, his favorite being "boys will be boys". He keeps much of his time with Frankie separate from his wife, because he does not want her to see how much he dotes on him, especially since he did not treat his own daughter with the same attention he is lavishing on Frankie. When Susanna's mother does get to spend time with him, she is often doing "domestic/housewife/mother" things like cooking or cleaning, so Frankie's experience of his Grandmother is very limited; Frankie believes that what he sees her doing is ALL she is capable of. Susan's father encourages this belief because he thinks it's funny, and he is trying to turn Frankie into a sidekick-buddy, instead of raising his grandson as a well-rounded, aware, self-disciplined and empathetic person.
When Frankie goes to Steven's parents house, his experience is much different. Steven's parents are able to care for and watch Frankie, but they are both in less than optimum health, so they do not spend as much one on one time with Frankie, and can not really do the things they would like to do with him. So they are grateful that their other son Ron, Steven's brother, offers to take Frankie to his place often. Ron is married to Vicki, and they have two children of their own. Unbeknown to the rest of the family, the real reason Ron volunteers to take Frankie is to give his kids someone to play with while he and Vicki party. Ron and Vicki put all three kids in the "playroom" every day, and do not spend any time with them. If they are allowed to go outside, they are not allowed back in until suppertime. At suppertime, the atmosphere is extremely rigid, the children must speak in hushed tones or not at all, they must eat all that is served or they are punished with humiliating remarks, shame, and sometimes physical punishment. After supper they are sent back into the playroom, and are ordered to stay quiet. Frankie, especially, is spoken to with contempt and disdain because Ron and Vicki are very jealous of Steven and Susan, and they are not mature enough to see Frankie as a separate person, and a child. Frankie does not report their abuse to anyone because he is very afraid of them. Also, because of the ego-inflation treatment from Susan's father, he fears that coming forward would make others think of him as "less than a man", which, coming from a 7 year old child, is a large red flag that something is very wrong.
Because of these two extremes that Frankie experiences, he has begun the process of becoming a Narcissist; a person who is trapped in Ego, and does not get the chance to develop his inner Human Being. He only feels accepted and comfortable, and happy, when he is with the Grandfather that treats him like a little Prince instead of a Grandson; his experience outside of this Prince-treatment is dark and soul-draining. With so very little normalizing treatment in between where he is treated like just one of the gang and given REAL feedback of what he does and who he is, he is left without a mirror of the real Frankie, and does not have a real Mentor to guide him, or to show him calm, even-keeled love and interaction. No one is teaching Frankie to care about others, or why it's important at all. No one is mirroring the REAL Frankie back to him, or guiding him in how to behave, or what the world is really all about, or who other people are. No one is letting Frankie find out who HE really is. Frankie is being set up to become a shell of the person he could have become, and he will live in that SHELL, instead of fully inside of himself.
Poor Frankie, no one should have to grow up believing that they are either a Prince who will inherit a Throne and his own Kingdom when he grows up, or living in fear of humiliation and abandonment.
For those who don't like metaphors and analogies, here is a real life example.
Little Frankie is 7 years old. His parents Susanna and Steven work a lot, but both sets of grandparents volunteer to help babysit. When Frankie is at Susanna's parents house, his grandfather treats him like the "son he never had". He spends lots of good, positive time with Frankie, teaching him how to do everything he thinks a "son" should know how to do. All the positive time spent with Frankie would be good, if it weren't for the exaggerated praise he gives his grandson; anything that Frankie does, Susanna's father praises him as if he has accomplished a great feat. This both confuses Frankie and inflates his very young ego to uncomfortable levels. He does not like to discipline Frankie when he breaks rules or talks back, and makes excuses for his behavior, his favorite being "boys will be boys". He keeps much of his time with Frankie separate from his wife, because he does not want her to see how much he dotes on him, especially since he did not treat his own daughter with the same attention he is lavishing on Frankie. When Susanna's mother does get to spend time with him, she is often doing "domestic/housewife/mother" things like cooking or cleaning, so Frankie's experience of his Grandmother is very limited; Frankie believes that what he sees her doing is ALL she is capable of. Susan's father encourages this belief because he thinks it's funny, and he is trying to turn Frankie into a sidekick-buddy, instead of raising his grandson as a well-rounded, aware, self-disciplined and empathetic person.
When Frankie goes to Steven's parents house, his experience is much different. Steven's parents are able to care for and watch Frankie, but they are both in less than optimum health, so they do not spend as much one on one time with Frankie, and can not really do the things they would like to do with him. So they are grateful that their other son Ron, Steven's brother, offers to take Frankie to his place often. Ron is married to Vicki, and they have two children of their own. Unbeknown to the rest of the family, the real reason Ron volunteers to take Frankie is to give his kids someone to play with while he and Vicki party. Ron and Vicki put all three kids in the "playroom" every day, and do not spend any time with them. If they are allowed to go outside, they are not allowed back in until suppertime. At suppertime, the atmosphere is extremely rigid, the children must speak in hushed tones or not at all, they must eat all that is served or they are punished with humiliating remarks, shame, and sometimes physical punishment. After supper they are sent back into the playroom, and are ordered to stay quiet. Frankie, especially, is spoken to with contempt and disdain because Ron and Vicki are very jealous of Steven and Susan, and they are not mature enough to see Frankie as a separate person, and a child. Frankie does not report their abuse to anyone because he is very afraid of them. Also, because of the ego-inflation treatment from Susan's father, he fears that coming forward would make others think of him as "less than a man", which, coming from a 7 year old child, is a large red flag that something is very wrong.
Because of these two extremes that Frankie experiences, he has begun the process of becoming a Narcissist; a person who is trapped in Ego, and does not get the chance to develop his inner Human Being. He only feels accepted and comfortable, and happy, when he is with the Grandfather that treats him like a little Prince instead of a Grandson; his experience outside of this Prince-treatment is dark and soul-draining. With so very little normalizing treatment in between where he is treated like just one of the gang and given REAL feedback of what he does and who he is, he is left without a mirror of the real Frankie, and does not have a real Mentor to guide him, or to show him calm, even-keeled love and interaction. No one is teaching Frankie to care about others, or why it's important at all. No one is mirroring the REAL Frankie back to him, or guiding him in how to behave, or what the world is really all about, or who other people are. No one is letting Frankie find out who HE really is. Frankie is being set up to become a shell of the person he could have become, and he will live in that SHELL, instead of fully inside of himself.
Poor Frankie, no one should have to grow up believing that they are either a Prince who will inherit a Throne and his own Kingdom when he grows up, or living in fear of humiliation and abandonment.
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