Many
people grow up expecting any romantic relationship they have to look a
certain way, and when the person they choose to be with ends up not
filling that expectation, they treat them like they're doing something
bad and wrong. So a woman who has preconceived expectations of what her
boyfriend or husband is "supposed" to be like may fight with, belittle,
and try to shame him for not fulfilling t...he character role in her head.
Classic examples of this in Western culture include a man who does not
fix things around the house, or only knows how to fix certain things, a
man who's not into the Sports culture, a man who likes to clean or cook,
a man who does not make a lot of money, a man who is kind to others
outside of the relationship, a man who doesn't try to act "tough" or
"run with" other males, or a man who is not obsessed with sex, violence,
alcohol, or random rebellion behavior.
A man who has preconceived
expectations of what his girlfriend or wife is "supposed" to be like
will do the same thing, treating a person as if they're "bad" or "wrong"
when they don't fill the character role they hold in their head.
Classic examples of this in Western culture are often a woman who
doesn't make cooking and cleaning her first priority, a woman who
repairs and builds things, a woman who enjoys activities outside the
home, a woman who does not defer to other's opinions but treats others
as equal persons, a woman who speaks, laughs, and behaves with the same
confidence as the men around them. Both men and women who create these
roles for others in their minds also often have the way the other person
is supposed to look in there as well; their character role they have
pictured in their minds is usually pretty fleshed out. Their clothes and
their hair is "supposed" to look a certain way, if it doesn't, they're
not being a "good person".
Even if there is more than one
"version" of the appearance, there will still be obvious similarities
between the versions. (For instance a thin Irish woman or a very thin
Nigerian woman; the requirement is still "thin". A tall Polish man or a
tall Indian man, the requirement is still "tall".)
Those who
have preconceived expectations for other people will judge them by how
close they match to this character role. They won't be interested in
getting to know the person and therefore can not have a genuine
relationship with the person. When the person fulfills the role, they
are approved of; when they don't because of perfectly normal or even
GOOD things, they will be rejected and discarded.
This same
character role issue can be seen in other relationships as well,
including parents and children (both ways), other family members,
friendships, employees, communities, pretty much anything that involves
humans. It can be seen on a global scale with citizens of governments
(political leaders, presidents and dictators who have this character
role issue), religions, and other organizations.
Those with
"character role expectations" of others don't care much about another's
personhood, their real talents, strengths, or experiences, they have
already created their "profile" FOR them. No matter how "good" the other
person actually is, no matter what they actually do, they will be
judged only on how close they come to filling the role of the character
they have been cast in by the other person.
