Along With The Crowd

It's an automatic Human behavior to try to fit in with the surrounding crowd, because of the fact that we're social primates.
In the 'wild', not fitting in with the group means risk of rejection or attack, even ostracism, which can result in death.
Those who have less self-awareness, weaker boundaries, and a weaker "moral compass" are much more prone to follow along with whatever the crowd around them is doing, regardless of what they're doing or whether they're causing danger or harm to themselves or to others.

It takes stronger character, self-awareness, self-respect, care for others, and comprehension of the reasons for integrity and ethics, values and civility to refuse to go along with whatever the crowd is doing or whatever they command, and to stand up for others who are being treated poorly.

Many simply identify the crowd they're in as the "good people crowd", and don't actually pay attention to what's really going on and what people are really doing. They categorize everything their "good people crowd" is doing as automatically "okay" or "right".

Losers, Black Sheep, Scapegoats: ICKY

Hard one for me to wrap my mind around, but true:

Many with superiority complex issues actually see other people, even their own children and other relatives, as "ICKY".
The way they see toads, rodents, snakes, insects (and often even birds) as "ICKY".

And when it's not about "ICKY", it's "crazy", "stupid", "weak" or "incapable"; categorically inferior creatures that one doesn't want to touch too much, do things with, listen to, GIVE assistance or support to, GET assistance or support FROM (at least not with others knowing about it), or be ASSOCIATED with by others.

My daughter/son/nephew/niece/brother/sister/cousin the LOSER, the WEIRDO, the FREAK... WE don't associate with the likes of her or him.

That kid in school, that neighbor girl, that coworker, that person at church. Ew, they're gross, they're weird, they're different, they're not like us, don't touch them, don't talk to them, don't let people see you talk to them, don't treat them with respect, kindness, or civility.

As if people (or animals) are valued the same way gems are; by element, size, weight, color, clarity and cut.
Diamonds are more valuable than rubies, then sapphires, emeralds, pearls, and opals...
Then each gem is valued individually with the four C's.

They'll also judge a person as "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" for not going along with this judging and rejecting, for standing up for others, and for treating people and animals whom they've judged "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" with common civility or care. (So if you don't join them in rejecting the "weirdo", or scapegoating or bullying a target, and especially if you stand up for the person (OR ANIMAL) that they're attacking or rejecting, they'll reject YOU, too. You become a weirdo/scapegoat by default, and like you're only standing up for them because you must be an Icky or Crazy too. They can't comprehend true compassion, fairness, or civility.)

(It's very important to understand that this projection of inferiority has absolutely nothing to do with the person who's being seen or treated as an inferior creature, and EVERYTHING to do with emotional or mental illness of those projecting the judgment. It can also be attributed to developmental delay, and can often be seen in the "mentally challenged". For example one caregiver or health worker will be accepted by a Client, and another will be rejected by them for no discernible reason except that the worker, who seems clean, kind, and "normal" to everyone else, seems to creep or gross the client out. It does happen that a Client will like and trust a caregiver/worker who really doesn't do a good job or care about them, and reject one who does.).

Control And Bully Tactic: Double Binds

Double binds are a favorite control tactic of narcissists and bullies. They love to give advice, and then treat the person they gave the advice to like they're doing something wrong, stupid, or shameful when they follow it.

Like "You need to stand up for yourself!"
~Then when the person stands up for themselves, they are criticized and belittled.

"If you need help, don't be afraid to ask!"
~Then when the person follows this "sage" advice and asks for help, that same controller will act like the person is being demanding, needy, pathetic, or asking for a million dollars.

"There are no stupid questions."
~Of course when the person asks a question, they get condescended to, made fun of, snapped at, or called stupid.

"If you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here."
~When said by a controller or narcissist, this is an invitation to divulge your personal information, relationship issues, weaknesses, and past traumas so they can use them against you another time, condemn you, tell someone else what you said, or spread gossip.
"You should do that, go for it, you're very good...talented...smart...capable...knowledgeable.."
~Then it's "well you're really just an amateur, you don't really know what you're doing, or what you're talking about, or how to go about it."

"You have to take the bull by the horns."
or,
"You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you can do it."
or,
"Do what you love to do, the pieces will fall into place!"
~Until the Controller who gave this advice sees the target take initiative, and then it's "You can't just charge ahead like that" or "Don't expect to be successful, it's more likely that you'll fail" or
"You're not THAT good, not good enough to make a living at it."
or "Who do you think you are?! You think you're all that?"

"Always respect others' point of view."
~Translation: Always respect MY point of view, but if yours is different, shut up, you're already wrong, and if you don't shut up, then you'll be barraged with Ad Hominem attacks, and probably rejected socially.

"Be fair, compassionate, kind, and polite to others, and they'll return the same to you."
~This works with people who have actual integrity and manners, not with those who give advice in order to feel superior and to control others.
Translation: You be polite, fair, and kind to me, and to everyone else, and shut up about it when we snub you, gossip about you, condescend to you, manipulate you, and treat you rudely, inconsiderately, hostilely, and disrespectfully.

The double bind serves a purpose:
"We'll blame OUR behavior, and the way we treat you, on YOUR actions. Everything that happens to you and everything that others do to you is YOUR fault, I am/we are blameless and innocent, it's all you. You brought all of it on yourself... if you had heeded my advice, WE would not have been forced to treat you that way...."

Apparently only CERTAIN people are worthy of success, allowed to speak their mind and have their own point of view, or allowed to stand up for themselves against unfairness, disrespect, or bullying.

And apparently only CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE are accountable for their own behavior, and those same people are responsible for everyone else's behavior and life as well...

Red flag: Unsolicited advice, condescending advice, advice with negative assumptions about you in it, and advice that sounds like it's taken from a talk show, celebrity, coach, drill sergeant, someones relative, self-help book, song, or affirmation meme (without referencing who said it or why).

Living In The Race: Winning Is Everything

Controllers are focused on other people, especially Narcissists, so they don't just do what they're doing or just focus on their goals.

Like runners in a race, some runners are concentrating on the terrain, their breathing, their pace, keeping their muscles from cramping, their stamina, and finishing the race. Other thoughts might be about loved ones or inspirational thoughts or memories, and perhaps the interesting landscape they're passing, the lovely day, or spectators cheering them on.

They are focused on the other runners in a peripheral way as fellow competitors, or in a kindred spirit way as fellow runners, but not with contempt. If another runner twisted their ankle or collapsed, they would notice, and would make sure someone came to help them. If there was no one else around, they would stop and help the fellow runner themselves, giving up their position in the race.

Some runners, however, are focused solely on their own performance and body, and on the performance and bodies of the other runners. Their thoughts are filled with advantages, weaknesses, and leverage. They're not thinking about loved ones, or "fellowship" with other runners (unless there happens to be famous people in the race), nor are they thinking about how great it is to be able to participate in the race.

Some of those runners are focused mostly on finding weaknesses in the other runners, and how they can exploit those weaknesses to their advantage. All they care about is beating the other runners and being the WINNER of the race so they can receive the recognition, award, and praise. They'll do anything they can get away with (within their personal, tweaked version of 'values') to win.

Their emotions and motives are limited to desire to dominate, desire for recognition, contempt, resentment, fear, envy, and jealousy.

If any opportunity presents itself to kick dust in another runner's face, they'll take it. If they think they can get away with bumping or tripping another runner, they'll do it. If another runner falls down, they'll feel happy about it, not concerned, and the only way they'll stop to help that person is if they think someone 'important" is watching.

They will have contempt for certain other runners whom they harbor prejudice against (typically ancestry, size, sex,or sexual orientation), and will try even harder to beat them or sabotage them.

If someone whom they judge as "naturally inferior" to them is ahead of them, or apparently beating them, their contempt and resentment will grow to colossal proportions, even hatred.

They are likely to believe that anyone who's not participating in the race, especially spectators, are UNABLE to participate in the race because of their "inferior physiques" and fitness levels.

If they don't come in first, they will consider themselves to have FAILED, since their goal was to attain the recognition and praise of "winning". They're likely to feel self-loathing, or to feel contempt, resentment, and envy for those who came in ahead of them, and also for lots of other people involved in the race. They're likely to feel deep EMBARRASSMENT and humiliation because they didn't WIN. They may or may not show it, and they may or may not "retaliate" somehow for this perceived personal humiliation.

If they DO win the race, they're likely to feel utterly deserving, like it was a done deal before the race even started, like they're the "superior specimen" present and all the other humans are lesser specimens. They might even feel pity for the other runners, as if they aspire to be like them, but just can't cut it. They will not have remorse or regret for bullying or sabotaging other runners, or leaving anyone who fell; they'll actually see themselves as simply being "more clever" and "more savvy". Nor will they feel regret about using illegal steroids or cheating; again, they'll just see it as "savviness".

If they do win, it won't just be a race well-run, with gratitude for the experience and opportunity, nor with gratitude toward anyone who supported them. It will be evidence of their "superiority", and they're likely to brag about it and display their trophy or medal every chance they get for a very long time.