Culture Sludge

"Oh my GOSH did you see what she was WEARING?"
"You need to get a life!"
"Look at the pictures he posts, he thinks he's so great."
"Go get me a beer."
"How about if you get me a cup of coffee."
"I need you to come and help me this weekend."
"Hurry up, you're so SLOW."
"This place is a dump."
"Why don't you do something about your hair."
"You used to be so pretty."
"You used to be so thin."
"You used to have a great body."
"You would be hot if you had a tan/gained some weight/lost some weight/changed your hair/wore makeup/smiled more."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"You're a bitch. She's a bitch. He's a whiny bitch."
"You're a loser. She's a loser. He's a loser."
"You're going to hell."
"You're stupid for believing that."
"It's all your fault."
"I know what you're doing when I'm not there."
"You deserve what you get if you're that stupid to let someone trick/treat you like that."
"They deserved to get hit/beaten/raped/abused/stolen from."
"Why would you go out with THAT?"
"Did you see them walking to the parking lot together? He must be banging her."
"She smiled at you dude, that means she wants you."
"She's a slut."
"Men and women can't be just friends."
"Everyone cheats, lies and steals, if they deny it they're lying, that's just the way of the world."
"You need to get a thicker skin, stop complaining."
"I will kick your ass/her ass/his ass if you say (whatever)."
"I will kill (whoever, for whatever)"
"She doesn't like to be told what to do..."

Sentences that are common in narcissist "culture", and rarely or never come out of the mouths of non-narcissists. It can be difficult for some non-narcissists to communicate in a narc. culture, when this language is the norm, all around them. It can also be hard not to pick it up when you hear it every day all around you. It can have a depressive effect on a person who lives in such a culture, hearing it day in and day out. Kind of like living in a bad movie but not being able to change the film. Many people are amazed when they grow up and leave their hometown, and find out that there are places and people in the world who don't live and speak that way. While there's always some narcissism in any area we live, there are huge differences in the general atmosphere and the way people treat one another from region to region, which of course directly affects the quality of life for the adults and children who live there.

The Blessing Of Remorse

That feeling that's referred to as "remorse" and the one called "guilt"< they are integral to staying human, you are blessed if you still feel them.

Shame put upon us by others to control us is not the same as remorse and guilt. If I yelled at my son in anger and said something hurtful, I will feel remorseful if my "heart" is intact and healthy. It will help me be aware of my actions and my mistake, and will help compel me to make amends and apologize. If I stood up a friend in order to go do something else, if my "heart" is healthy I'll feel guilty because I did something purposely that hurt and inconvenienced my friend.  It will help me to realize that my actions caused my friend pain or sadness, or a scheduling problem, and I will learn from it, and hopefully my friend will forgive me, but I probably won't do it again.

Getting abused and attacked can effectively inhibit or shut down our natural guilt and remorse response because we are in fight or flight too much of the time, or frustrated, or angry at something that has been done to us. We can become numb inside, and only feel the very sharpest and loudest emotions; we might seek conflict, adrenaline rushes, or pain in order to feel something. We might begin to lose our ability to empathize, or even care much about others, their lives, happiness, and well-being. We can become contemptuous, hard, and even arrogant.

 It is the blessing of the healed, the healing, and the safe and secure (even if that means being in a warzone but knowing someone has your back) to feel guilt and remorse, and have the freedom to make amends.