Just Me A 'DONM' by Amanda Seal

Just me a 'DONM'
By Amanda Seal.

She's not in my life but still here in disguises,
Dressed in her 'narc' black cloak,
She creeps up behind me, when life tries to find me to tell me that I am a joke.

All those years I believed her,
Her cold words they cut deeper,
She engraved a vast space in my heart,
She lives there most days and slowly plays games till I shut myself off in the dark.

I'm a daughter, A DAUGHTER, a narcissists daughter! "Its all my own fault don't you know?!
I am crazy and angry and weird and I'm lazy,
Im useless, not worthy of love"
Thats called 'Gaslighting'
So cruel when your fighting
Just for your own mothers love.

..AND Her screaming silence,
Was worse than pure violence,
Which would happen most days, thats alot.
And these emotions berate me,
They come back just to break me,
and tell me I'm something I'm not.

So I MUST be stronger,
Im a lady, a soldier,
To be distant,
use my gift and pray,

.... Amanda I love you,
There's no one above you,
Behold this creation you've made.

Amanda Seal by Amanda Seal

Controllers Look For Social Signals

Controllers, especially those with Narcissism, are looking for social signals from others. They look for body language, facial expressions, speech patterns, tones, and actual words that convey messages such as:

"I believe what you say",
"I think you're wonderful",
"I look up to you",
"I can't wait to follow your lead",
"I see you as an Expert, as extremely experienced"
"I see you as very strong, stronger than me"
"You intimidate me"
"I admire you"

(The classic Narcissist's favorite social signals look or sound something like):
"I am awed by your: star-quality...talent...beauty...skill...physique...knowledge...wisdom...saintliness...abilities... goodness...leadership...etc"

There are levels to this. They may say or do things to see how a person will react if they don't show the signals right away.
Once they see the first signals, they look for more and more as time goes by, such as:

"I will willingly follow and believe you without question or doubt"
"I value your opinion, your wants and needs ABOVE MY OWN"
"I accept you as my superior, and I see myself as your inferior"
"Please LET ME BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOU...you don't have to be supportive of me in return, or treat me with genuine respect"
"I don't have any expectations of you, but I don't mind that you have many expectations and rules for me"

and also, a person's apparent 'values' and beliefs:
"I think being a GOOD PERSON is to serve others before caring for my own health and well being"
"I think it's BAD to think of one's own needs and goals"
"I think being a GOOD person is making up excuses for other people's actions, 'sticking up for them' at ALL TIMES regardless of what they did, and helping them to cover up all of their mistakes, including abusing other people and committing crimes."

When a person does NOT give these types of submissive or admiring social signals from the start, a Controller may feel like the person is not worth targeting, so they don't keep expending effort or energy. They may try to diminish the person with direct insults, or with obvious ignoring and impolite, uncivil behaviors. They may "drop" the person, reject the person, and often try to ostracize them from any mutual business or social circles.

When a Controller had their sights set on a specific person, but the person is not showing the "correct" submissive or admiring social signals, many Controllers may feel challenged and try HARDER.
They may also have a reaction of despisement toward the targeted person, and try to dominate them as if the person is an ENEMY who did something terrible to them.

IMPORTANT TO NOTE: A person can SHOW these apparent signals without actually MEANING "submission" or "admiration". Controllers and Narcissists OFTEN MISTAKE courtesy, friendliness, politeness, kindness, and encouragement for submissiveness or adulation, because they're hoping for it.
They also often misinterpret simple cultural and regional body language patterns, speech patterns, and facial expressions.
ALSO, many Controllers and Narcissists have serious problems with assumption, so they will assume that a person is automatically expressing submissiveness, or even admiration toward them, just because of the way the person happens to physically LOOK.

For a Narcissist, not getting the social signals they want from another person DOES feel like they've been "humiliated" or even "attacked". They behave defensively toward people who don't seem to recognize their "higher status", as if not treating them like Authority, Royalty, a Martyr, the Messiah, the Ultimate Expert or a Star is the same as treating them like a "servant", a "serf" or a "peasant".

This behavior can be found in normally developing children and youths. When there's a lack of mature guidance, when there's a chaotic atmosphere (can be caused by any external source including media, school, and community), or when there's an adult who's encouraging this behavior, even in an otherwise healthy atmosphere and family, young people can and do get stuck in this stage, especially since it feels like "power" and "mastery". They can and do get stuck, and they can bring it into their adulthood without growing out of it.

Controlling Others With Language Habits

Controllers don't need to consciously plan out what they're going to do or say in order to establish or re-establish control over another person. They have behavioral habits that become second-nature.

Such as: When a Target brings up a topic, Controllers nearly always divert the conversation away from that topic, no matter what it is.

So if Jim says "Did you see those fire engines out front earlier?" Steve, the Controller, might reply "You should have seen the accident on I-95 yesterday! There was like 5 police cars and..."
Instead of staying on the topic that Jim brought up, Steve simply changes it to HIS topic.

Another tactic is invalidation. So if Jim says "Did you see those fire engines..?" Steve the Controller might say, "What fire engines? I didn't see any, I was here all day. If there was anything major going on we would have heard about it, anyway."

Another one is invalidation with INSULT, so Steve's reply might sound like "What fire engines? I didn't see any. Don't get your panties in a knot. You should have seen the accident on the highway, that was serious..."

Insulting a Target in front of others humiliates the Target, but that's not the primary goal. The real goal is for the Controller to appear to OTHERS as "more powerful" and "higher status" than the Target.
(Same goal as Chimpanzee power/status displays.)

Humans use language as an added tactic to Chimpanzee 'power' displays; successfully humiliating a Target means that the display has worked, especially if others laugh or scoff. Language displays are often used by those who feel insecure in their 'status position' in their social hierarchy. Making fun of people, insulting them, and calling them names either to their face or behind their backs are a substitute for physical displays.

That's why if YOU stand up for the person who's being insulted or trashed, YOU GET TURNED ON by the insulter (and by other equally primitive/immature onlookers), because you're "challenging" the status display, and you're 'wrecking' the intended outcome.