Finding Freedom: What Really Happened?
Finding Freedom: What Really Happened?: It has been said that history is written by the winners. And rewritten ...by politicians and biased motivations. Did you ever wonder what...
Narcissists With Children
Children suffer the most from exposure to Narcissism.
This statement is likely to trigger defensiveness, denial, or even rage in a person who has Narcissism, because it would cause "Narcissistic injury". Those who have Narcissism can't stand to be exposed for not being "perfect", and especially for not being superior to someone else. Raising, teaching, and influencing children is one of the big image-makers and judgment-markers in our modern society, and therefore can be VERY important to any Narcissist who is using that as a building block for their image and ego.
In other words, whether they're ACTUALLY neglectful or abusive or not is MUCH LESS IMPORTANT to them than being SEEN AS a person who is neglectful/abusive or not.
Their reaction to even the random suggestion that they could be doing something abusive or neglectful toward children would NOT BE "Oh maybe I should take a look at what I'm doing, maybe I should seek some information or advice". Their reaction is more likely to be "That's a bunch of crap! I'm GREAT with kids! I'm a WONDERFUL teacher/parent/coach/counselor/relative! ..." with zero reflection about it.
Defensiveness only, deflection only, humiliation only, anger/rage only.
No wondering about whether they're making mistakes, that they could be doing something better, that they could LEARN something that they don't already know about themselves and their own actions, NO WORRY or CARE about the well-being of the children they're influencing, except for, MAYBE, one of their "favorites".
(Narcissists ALWAYS have "favorite children" and "scapegoated children" when they're around kids, the way other people have favorite foods, and food they don't like).
It is COMMON for a Narcissistic stepparent to try to drive a wedge between a child and the parent.
It is also COMMON for a Narcissistic parent to try to drive a wedge between a child and the other parent's partner.
A Narcissistic parent or stepparent will often even try to drive a wedge between the child and ANY adult or child who the child is connected to in some way.
Especially whom the child responds favorably to, and especially if the adult is a positive influence on the child (and not also a Narcissist), and ESPECIALLY if the Narcissistic parent or stepparent ENVIES the person for any reason, or FEARS that the person will expose the N's agenda or behavior.
It is also COMMON for a Narcissistic stepparent (or parent) to REJECT a child, literally, even try to get the child out of their living space and family, because the child does not PLEASE THEM, because the child's behavior is "difficult", because the child is physically or mentally handicapped in some way, or because the child has been abused or traumatized.
("Stepparent" can also be applied to non-married partners.)
Narcissistic teachers, coaches, counselors, caregivers, relatives, and others who live and work around children will do this as well.
It's about envy, jealousy, control, image, aggression and dominance issues, and self-preservation.
A Narcissistic stepparent, or parent, (or other child-caregiver/worker) will jump to "Disciplining" a child to "remedy" any situation, BEFORE they'll do something else, like normal guidance, spending TIME with a child, doing activities with a child, talking and listening, finding more activities for a child to be involved in, etc.
They will try to "discipline" a child who is "acting out" or seems depressed, INSTEAD OF seeking counseling or changing what they're doing.
They will BLAME A CHILD for all of the child's moods and behaviors that don't please them.
They will BLAME A CHILD for all moods and behaviors EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FULLY AWARE that the child has been through TRAUMA and/or ABUSE.
When they can't "MAKE" a child behave in a way that PLEASES THEM, they will REJECT the child, and then either neglect, abuse (verbally, emotionally, or physically), abandon, slander, or ostracize the child.
Narcissist adults will REJECT A CHILD who doesn't make them feel pleasant feelings.
They will REJECT A CHILD who is of a RACE or SEX they're biased against, even in their own family.
They will REJECT A CHILD whom they ENVY for any reason
(adults who have 'NPD' can envy anyone, even animals, even prisoners, even slaves, even victims of crime like rape and assault, even people who are seriously ill or injured).
Since people with Narcissism don't have the ability to empathize, or comprehend "cause and effect", or see others as "real" and "valid", they can't understand that children are not the same as adults, and that they are LEARNING "How To Be" in the world, and that they ALL need solid, fair, predictable, empathetic and nurturing guidance and mentoring from the adults around them, WITHOUT bias and prejudice.
It's just not something they can grasp intellectually or otherwise.
Narcissists seem to be fully aware of how painful and life-changing traumatic events can be when something happens to THEM, and how others "should be there for them" and "should be understanding". But when something happens to someone ELSE, even a child, they seem to have no ability to apply any of that in any REAL way to the other person. Worse, Narcissists can either be a direct perpetrator of trauma toward a child, or will ALLOW someone else to bully, abuse, or neglect a child who's supposed to be in their care.
This statement is likely to trigger defensiveness, denial, or even rage in a person who has Narcissism, because it would cause "Narcissistic injury". Those who have Narcissism can't stand to be exposed for not being "perfect", and especially for not being superior to someone else. Raising, teaching, and influencing children is one of the big image-makers and judgment-markers in our modern society, and therefore can be VERY important to any Narcissist who is using that as a building block for their image and ego.
In other words, whether they're ACTUALLY neglectful or abusive or not is MUCH LESS IMPORTANT to them than being SEEN AS a person who is neglectful/abusive or not.
Their reaction to even the random suggestion that they could be doing something abusive or neglectful toward children would NOT BE "Oh maybe I should take a look at what I'm doing, maybe I should seek some information or advice". Their reaction is more likely to be "That's a bunch of crap! I'm GREAT with kids! I'm a WONDERFUL teacher/parent/coach/counselor/relative! ..." with zero reflection about it.
Defensiveness only, deflection only, humiliation only, anger/rage only.
No wondering about whether they're making mistakes, that they could be doing something better, that they could LEARN something that they don't already know about themselves and their own actions, NO WORRY or CARE about the well-being of the children they're influencing, except for, MAYBE, one of their "favorites".
(Narcissists ALWAYS have "favorite children" and "scapegoated children" when they're around kids, the way other people have favorite foods, and food they don't like).
It is COMMON for a Narcissistic stepparent to try to drive a wedge between a child and the parent.
It is also COMMON for a Narcissistic parent to try to drive a wedge between a child and the other parent's partner.
A Narcissistic parent or stepparent will often even try to drive a wedge between the child and ANY adult or child who the child is connected to in some way.
Especially whom the child responds favorably to, and especially if the adult is a positive influence on the child (and not also a Narcissist), and ESPECIALLY if the Narcissistic parent or stepparent ENVIES the person for any reason, or FEARS that the person will expose the N's agenda or behavior.
It is also COMMON for a Narcissistic stepparent (or parent) to REJECT a child, literally, even try to get the child out of their living space and family, because the child does not PLEASE THEM, because the child's behavior is "difficult", because the child is physically or mentally handicapped in some way, or because the child has been abused or traumatized.
("Stepparent" can also be applied to non-married partners.)
Narcissistic teachers, coaches, counselors, caregivers, relatives, and others who live and work around children will do this as well.
It's about envy, jealousy, control, image, aggression and dominance issues, and self-preservation.
A Narcissistic stepparent, or parent, (or other child-caregiver/worker) will jump to "Disciplining" a child to "remedy" any situation, BEFORE they'll do something else, like normal guidance, spending TIME with a child, doing activities with a child, talking and listening, finding more activities for a child to be involved in, etc.
They will try to "discipline" a child who is "acting out" or seems depressed, INSTEAD OF seeking counseling or changing what they're doing.
They will BLAME A CHILD for all of the child's moods and behaviors that don't please them.
They will BLAME A CHILD for all moods and behaviors EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FULLY AWARE that the child has been through TRAUMA and/or ABUSE.
When they can't "MAKE" a child behave in a way that PLEASES THEM, they will REJECT the child, and then either neglect, abuse (verbally, emotionally, or physically), abandon, slander, or ostracize the child.
Narcissist adults will REJECT A CHILD who doesn't make them feel pleasant feelings.
They will REJECT A CHILD who is of a RACE or SEX they're biased against, even in their own family.
They will REJECT A CHILD whom they ENVY for any reason
(adults who have 'NPD' can envy anyone, even animals, even prisoners, even slaves, even victims of crime like rape and assault, even people who are seriously ill or injured).
Since people with Narcissism don't have the ability to empathize, or comprehend "cause and effect", or see others as "real" and "valid", they can't understand that children are not the same as adults, and that they are LEARNING "How To Be" in the world, and that they ALL need solid, fair, predictable, empathetic and nurturing guidance and mentoring from the adults around them, WITHOUT bias and prejudice.
It's just not something they can grasp intellectually or otherwise.
Narcissists seem to be fully aware of how painful and life-changing traumatic events can be when something happens to THEM, and how others "should be there for them" and "should be understanding". But when something happens to someone ELSE, even a child, they seem to have no ability to apply any of that in any REAL way to the other person. Worse, Narcissists can either be a direct perpetrator of trauma toward a child, or will ALLOW someone else to bully, abuse, or neglect a child who's supposed to be in their care.
Matching "Vibes" And Emotional Reactions
One of the symptoms that can be seen in both Codependency and "BPD" is looking for others to match one's own emotions about various things.
If Narcissism is present also, then those who don't "match" one's own emotions about something are considered wrong, bad, crazy, and stupid.
For example I've seen the film Titanic, and so have a lot of people. Each person's emotional reaction to the story and the film is unique, and the level of each person's emotional reactions are also unique.
But if I have boundary issues, I might watch for whether other people's emotional reactions MATCH my own.
I might not LIKE a person based on their emotional reaction toward the film; I might judge a person as "Crazy" if their reaction was stronger than mine, or judge them as "Cold" or "Bad" if their emotional reaction was not as strong as mine, or different than mine. I may only "LIKE" people who's emotions about the film were the same as mine.
This could be seen as part of a natural process of relating with others, but the extreme judging of others and specific matching indicates boundary issues.
Teens and young adults often do this with musical genres, sports, and games, and other things as well.
Whoever matches their emotional reactions and feelings toward certain music, toward sports, or certain games is "okay", but those who don't are not accepted in their group.
The less healthy the youth's boundaries are, the more specific the match needs to be for them to accept another youth.
It often shows up as bias toward members of their own sex and bias against the opposite sex.
When this keeps up in adulthood, there's likely some kind of disorder or illness going on with the person, which could be from trauma.
If Narcissism is present also, then those who don't "match" one's own emotions about something are considered wrong, bad, crazy, and stupid.
For example I've seen the film Titanic, and so have a lot of people. Each person's emotional reaction to the story and the film is unique, and the level of each person's emotional reactions are also unique.
But if I have boundary issues, I might watch for whether other people's emotional reactions MATCH my own.
I might not LIKE a person based on their emotional reaction toward the film; I might judge a person as "Crazy" if their reaction was stronger than mine, or judge them as "Cold" or "Bad" if their emotional reaction was not as strong as mine, or different than mine. I may only "LIKE" people who's emotions about the film were the same as mine.
This could be seen as part of a natural process of relating with others, but the extreme judging of others and specific matching indicates boundary issues.
Teens and young adults often do this with musical genres, sports, and games, and other things as well.
Whoever matches their emotional reactions and feelings toward certain music, toward sports, or certain games is "okay", but those who don't are not accepted in their group.
The less healthy the youth's boundaries are, the more specific the match needs to be for them to accept another youth.
It often shows up as bias toward members of their own sex and bias against the opposite sex.
When this keeps up in adulthood, there's likely some kind of disorder or illness going on with the person, which could be from trauma.
Right, Wrong, Or True?
If I don't agree with you about something that can not be proven scientifically, it just means that we're probably looking at the same thing from different sides.
What we do next is a choice and an action.
Do I tell you that you're "wrong", even though there's no way to show or prove it?
Do you tell me that I'm "wrong", even though you can't prove it?
If the focus and goal for BOTH of us is really about the object, idea, or concept we're both looking at, then who's "right" and who's "wrong" would not be important at all.
But if one of us was more focused on dominating the other person, then of course someone being "right" or "wrong" would be the primary focus.
When people are in discussion, the focus is either on the people who are in the discussion, or the focus is on the topic itself. There are specific reasons for each.
When information and exploration is the REAL focus, then there is no arguing, condescension or ego, there is only sharing what one has observed and figured out from one's own point of view, and adding that with what others have observed from their own points of view. Like adding together small pieces of a larger puzzle.
Argument, countering, insult, condescension, and hostility means someone is having an emotional reaction, is emotionally invested, and wants to be "right" or wants another person to be "wrong".
If every person can only see one color in a spectrum, then the only way to find out what a spectrum looks like is for everyone to tell what they see, and for everyone to listen. There are no right or wrong colors in a rainbow.
Logical Fallacies: Ad Hominem
What we do next is a choice and an action.
Do I tell you that you're "wrong", even though there's no way to show or prove it?
Do you tell me that I'm "wrong", even though you can't prove it?
If the focus and goal for BOTH of us is really about the object, idea, or concept we're both looking at, then who's "right" and who's "wrong" would not be important at all.
But if one of us was more focused on dominating the other person, then of course someone being "right" or "wrong" would be the primary focus.
When people are in discussion, the focus is either on the people who are in the discussion, or the focus is on the topic itself. There are specific reasons for each.
When information and exploration is the REAL focus, then there is no arguing, condescension or ego, there is only sharing what one has observed and figured out from one's own point of view, and adding that with what others have observed from their own points of view. Like adding together small pieces of a larger puzzle.
Argument, countering, insult, condescension, and hostility means someone is having an emotional reaction, is emotionally invested, and wants to be "right" or wants another person to be "wrong".
If every person can only see one color in a spectrum, then the only way to find out what a spectrum looks like is for everyone to tell what they see, and for everyone to listen. There are no right or wrong colors in a rainbow.
Logical Fallacies: Ad Hominem
Preventing Being A Target
There
is no way to prevent future Narcissists from seeking out targets and
ending up in their "sites". They exist, they're out there. They're often
the very people who knocked on the door and pretended to be a friend,
or the people who had volunteered to help or care for us.
But what we CAN do is heal ourselves, and stop beating ourselves up for missing the flags.
One of the things that we can watch for is THEM approaching US. When is the last time you were the one who initiated first, or further contact, friendship, relationship, or business with a person who turned out to be abusive, manipulative, slanderous, traitorous, or a con artist?
But what we CAN do is heal ourselves, and stop beating ourselves up for missing the flags.
One of the things that we can watch for is THEM approaching US. When is the last time you were the one who initiated first, or further contact, friendship, relationship, or business with a person who turned out to be abusive, manipulative, slanderous, traitorous, or a con artist?
Be Careful Of Narcissists Using Their Own Label To Accuse Or Slander
It's
not uncommon for a person who has Narcissism themselves to put the
"Narcissist" label on another person and "condemn" them for it. The
label of "Narcissism" can be used as a weapon just like any other label
that people use to hurt, reject, or slander another person.
Non-narcissists don't seek to reject or destroy others, and most non-narcissists tend to look not for reasons to judge others negatively so they have an excuse to discard or crush them, but for reasons to judge others positively and excuse their human "flaws".
Narcissists, however, do that all the time: seek out reasons to reject or hate another person.
They'll even BAIT another person to get them to reveal things about themselves and their lives so that they can judge them negatively for it, use what they say as "evidence" and ammunition against them.
They're addicted to feeling superior, self-righteous, innocent, and either being The Hero or The Victim (the Knight or the Damsel, the dragon-slayer or the fearful peasant, the Savior or the one who needs to be saved; it's about the starring role in the 'story'.)
Having human "flaws", making mistakes, expressing emotions, displaying confidence, doing what one is passionate about or is good at, and not being socially perfect is not being a "Narcissist", and if it is, then every human alive or dead needs to line up and get stamped with a big red "N".
Non-narcissists don't seek to reject or destroy others, and most non-narcissists tend to look not for reasons to judge others negatively so they have an excuse to discard or crush them, but for reasons to judge others positively and excuse their human "flaws".
Narcissists, however, do that all the time: seek out reasons to reject or hate another person.
They'll even BAIT another person to get them to reveal things about themselves and their lives so that they can judge them negatively for it, use what they say as "evidence" and ammunition against them.
They're addicted to feeling superior, self-righteous, innocent, and either being The Hero or The Victim (the Knight or the Damsel, the dragon-slayer or the fearful peasant, the Savior or the one who needs to be saved; it's about the starring role in the 'story'.)
Having human "flaws", making mistakes, expressing emotions, displaying confidence, doing what one is passionate about or is good at, and not being socially perfect is not being a "Narcissist", and if it is, then every human alive or dead needs to line up and get stamped with a big red "N".
Beware Of Anti-Animal-People
Beware of humans who don't "get" love, companionship, and respect for animals.
It's not necessarily a Narc-flag, and there are people who are full-blown Narcissists who are "animal people".
But it's something to be aware of. They may lack empathy.
They may also be trying to prove their dominance and superiority to other humans by displaying "indifference" toward animals.
Also, people who don't "get" kids.
Those who have contempt for children or animals should be flagged.
Those who show bias for GIRL children over boys,
or BOY children over girls, or who show RACIAL bias toward children also warrant close attention and caution.
It's not necessarily a Narc-flag, and there are people who are full-blown Narcissists who are "animal people".
But it's something to be aware of. They may lack empathy.
They may also be trying to prove their dominance and superiority to other humans by displaying "indifference" toward animals.
Also, people who don't "get" kids.
Those who have contempt for children or animals should be flagged.
Those who show bias for GIRL children over boys,
or BOY children over girls, or who show RACIAL bias toward children also warrant close attention and caution.
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