Your Own World

Imagine yourself on your own planet. You get to make this world into whatever you want it to be, it's your creative project, and it's all about how wonderful your life is, and how beautiful the world is, and how you are helping it to flourish and blossom and grow! This world is God's gift to you, you are the painter, the sculptor, the writer, the songwriter, and the healer. The beauty and the life is yours to appreciate, to enjoy, and to live inside of.

Now, picture every other person on their own planet, all with the same beautiful gifts given to them by God, all with their own paintbrush, their own animal companions, their own living, breathing world that they get to live in and create their own beautiful lives.

Floating over in the distance, you see that some people have lost hold of their world, they're floating away from their personal planets and are drifting aimlessly, lost, scared, and confused. You drift over to them and help them catch their planets again. They are grateful, and you are happy for them.

Everyone's planets resonate with one another, spin around one another, creating the most enchanting, glorious, soothing, harmonious music ever heard. They reflect glints and colors off one another, combining in a complex and spectacular light show.

Someone in the distance seems to be drifting toward you, and you notice that their planet is bigger than the others. As they loom closer, you see that their planet is actually a group of planets that are revolving in a tight cluster around a central planet. Some of the planets around you seem to pull away from you, and drift toward this strange cluster. The person on the central planet is beckoning you. You find it strange and unsettling, and are saddened that some of the others around you who were making beautiful music and lights seem to have drifted into the cluster's gravitational pull. You feel alone, and you want to join them so you can be with them, but you sense that something's not right.

The person on the central planet beckons to you again. You call out 'I don't think I want to join you, thanks anyway". The central planet person begs you, promises you all kinds of things, comforts and extra privileges and powers. You still refuse politely. Suddenly the central planet person begins to throw stones at you, apparently trying to knock you OFF of your planet... some others join him. You start spinning too fast, all you can do now is hold on as tight as you can to your planet so you don't spin off into space and lose hold of your Sacred Gift.

After what seems like a very, very long time, your planet starts to slow down its spin. You look around and find yourself alone, your planet undone, all that you've created and loved and lived seems barely alive. Others float by occasionally, but they stare at you as if you're some kind of strange asteroid who doesn't belong. No one offers to help you rebuild, except for one person who keeps criticizing you and telling you to "get over yourself".

Exhausted, you fall asleep in the ruins of your planet. You dream of wonderful times past, and you also dream nightmares of terrible ordeals.

When you wake up, your planet is still in ruins. No one has come to rescue you, help you, or even offer you rainwater. Everyone who floats by just stares at you like you're some kind of strange object who isn't welcome or wanted.

You drift in space, alone on your rock, for what seems like a lifetime. No one seems to notice, no one seems to care, and you are losing hope that you will ever see life on your planet again. Nothing you do seems to make anything grow. You fear the others who stare at you, you avoid the ones who criticize and point at you, and you worry that the cluster will come back and finish the job.  You are so tired. You are ready to give up, but you don't really want to. You just don't seem able to bring your planet back to life, and you're not sure anymore if it's worth the effort.

Then one day, you feel the warmth of the sun on your back. You turn and look, and remember. The sunlight is just as golden as it's always been, full of life-giving energy. You lay in its rays, soaking up its energy, feeling its warmth, letting yourself remember the beauty you used to live inside of.

The next day, you feel a raindrop on your head. You look up, and there's another planet above you; someone is sharing some of their life-giving raindrops, letting them fall on you and your little planet.

The next day, you notice some little green shoots on one of your trees. You hadn't noticed it before. And there, in what you thought was a dead pool, is a little green frog, and next to it a little green turtle. Over a hill, you notice a tiny red blossom all alone in a patch of dirt. You close your eyes and listen; a song sparrow sings in the distance.

Each day you find a new shoot, a new little blossom, another glorious little life. Each day you feel gratitude for the sun, and the water that turns to life-giving rain. Your planet did not die after all, it was just dormant, resting, waiting for the sun and the rain, waiting for a safe time and space to grow again. You can feel the life slowly coming back, flower by flower, tree by tree, bird by bird, turtle by turtle. You ARE still alive, you always were. You feel blessed, and hopeful.



M.M.Black 2013

Teachers Who Are Narcissists Aren't Fun

Narcissists (and those who are Narcissistic) make terrible Teachers! They don't make good teachers, they make terrible teachers. The former student who reports that a Narc. teacher was "the best teacher" was almost always either one of the teacher's "Golden Pets", or the student was conditioned to be co-dependent (respect Controllers/misinterpret the flags).
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A teacher, coach, professor or instructor who is Narcissistic does the same behaviors with students as with any other relationship: It's all about HIM or HER. The only students the N. Teacher "likes" are those who fit in with his or her expectations, comfort zone, and ego for whatever reason. Any students who DON'T FIT are ignored, cast aside, dismissed, and even sabotaged, depending on the severity of the particular teacher's Narcissism issues.
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Consider a music instructor with Narcissism: He already believes himself superior, right from the get-go. He's most likely teaching because it gives him automatic "subordinates" who are subject to his scrutiny, judgment, and criticism, and who SEEK HIS APPROVAL, quite literally; they have to get it in order to pass the class!
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How does he conduct his class... He assesses which students he LIKES, first, and actually coaches those particular students along (hopefully, for their sakes). He makes "normal" eye contact, giving them neutral and positive feedback, giving them accurate feedback (hopefully). He may allow the ones he really favors to receive extra instruction after class. If there is a student that he really favors, he may REALLY "coach" that student, trying to mold them into a prodigy, his personal "project". That student will get "First Violin", or be featured regularly in solos. The N. Teacher will focus his or her instruction often directly on that student, as if there's no one else in the class, or as if that student is a "fellow Peer" to the Teacher, and they are "among novices". That student will be put in the awkward position of "Leader Of The Class" whether they like it or not. That is the "Golden Student" of the class.
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Being the "Golden Student" is NOT that student's fault, not in the least. Yes, some students are also Narcissistic, so they would JUMP on the chance to lord over the other students and be the Teacher's "Pet" or "Assistant", but it's still the N. Teacher's doing. The relationship is authority/subordinate, the student is in the subordinate role. That student is actually in the most danger of sabotage of all the other students, because if he or she makes any "wrong move", he or she is going to receive the wrath of the N. Teacher's injured ego. Also, if that student, say, writes a brilliant new song, the odds of the N. Teacher claiming it as his own are pretty high, and then the N. would probably "cover it up" by discrediting the student with a smear campaign and bad grades. Or, the N. teacher might try to use the student as a Trophy or a Winning Horse, and parade him or her around as much as possible, which means the student can't do anything else and must be at the N's beck and call, or be REJECTED.
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There are other students in the N. Teacher's classroom that are also in direct danger. Those are any student who fits the profile of the N's personal prejudices. So if the N. is racist against white people, all the white students are probably going to get treated poorly. If the N. is racist against Asian students, same result; African-descent students, same result, and so on.
If the Teacher has prejudice against female students, then the male students will get "normal" or favored treatment, and the female students will be treated like "losers" and "idiots". If the N's prejudice is anti-male, then the result will be the opposite.
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Narcissistic Teachers don't TEACH OBJECTIVELY, or with caring, or with empathy, or even sympathetically. Their goal is not to educate the whole CLASS, and treat all of the students with equal respect, and be a positive, respectful ROLE MODEL and MENTOR for all of the students. He or she is ONLY interested in the life and future of him or her SELF, and perhaps a little bit in chosen "Golden Students", but only because he or she wants their attention or company, and also wants them to reflect well on him or her.
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If a Narcissistic Teacher finds ANYTHING "unlikeable" about a student, that student WILL BE TREATED with disdain, dismissal, or worse, literal sabotage or abuse. A student who exhibits anything that the N. Teacher feels uncomfortable about, annoyed by, prejudice against, or threatened by will cause the N. to treat them with disdain, just like a classroom PEER might. It could be anything at all, something like a facial scar, or a certain last name, or a certain hair cut or clothing, or their family's "wealth" or "poverty", their family's Political Party, the student's tone of voice, the student's mannerisms, body type, height, face, etc, Ad infinitum. 
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A student with a high level of talent, capability, apparent intelligence or "good looks" will immediately catch the attention of a Narcissistic Teacher, and the Teacher will either make that student "Golden", or make that student a TARGET, to be "knocked down" and "put in place", or just generally sabotaged. There will be no in between, no neutrality; Narcissistic people don't have neutrality with other people. It's either "good" or "bad", "winner" or "loser", "Favored" or "Rejected". 
Obviously, the more savvy N. Teacher will be keen on hiding his or her real motives and behaviors, just like any other Narcissist, especially toward other adults. So if a student complains about them, the student will be ignored.
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There is NO field of work that is immune to Narcissists. Any jobs that place one in a position of authority over other people, and that also place one in a position to receive admiration and recognition from others are very attractive to Narcissists.

Who's Fault Is It, Anyway...Relationships

What's your fault in a painful relationship?
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He ignores you when you talk...
Nope, not your fault.
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She stands you up for dinner or lunch dates...
Nope, not your fault.
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He criticizes your hair and clothes...
Nope, not your fault.
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She criticizes the way you walk...
Nope, not your fault.
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He accuses you of flirting with random men when you are quite certain you're not...
Nope.
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She tells you you should "just get over it"...
Nope.
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He always seems to have something more important going on than spending time with you...
Nope.
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She accuses you of being crazy or abusive every time you're upset about her name-calling and aggression.
Nope.
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He often critiques, assesses, and criticizes your "housekeeping", your driving, and your decisions.
Nope, still not your fault.
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She changes the subject every time you're speaking.
Nope, not your fault.
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He got fired.
Nope.
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She was in your car when someone else hit you from behind.
Nope.
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He pays way more attention to and engages much more with other women, and to other people in general, than to you, both in social media (Facebook) and in real life.
No, still not your fault.
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She doesn't like what you do for a living, or what your interests, pursuits, and goals are.
Nope.

So what the heck IS your fault?
Here's a hint: The only things that are your "fault" are things that YOU do and say, not things that THEY do and say. If you said something mean to them, that's your "fault", you did that. If they said something mean to you, that's THEIR accountability. THEY said the mean thing, not you. If they didn't call you back so you got mad and retaliated, that retaliation is yours, you own it. If they retaliate BACK, that's THEIR action, they own it.

If someone is criticizing you left and right, putting you down, lying, putting other people above you, then there is something seriously wrong with this picture. Why would they DO things like that to ANYONE (can you picture them doing those things to their best friend, or their favorite rock star?) and also, why are you allowing it?

Worried That You Might Have A Personality Disorder? Mental Illness? Trauma?

Sometimes labels can drive us away from healing, because who wants to be stamped with a disorder? The truth is all humans are susceptible to disorder, emotional dysregulation or mental illness. Finding healing is more important than the label.
In order to heal, we need to somehow identify what's going on, so we know what to work on and why. We can do it without labeling ourselves, we can simply find out what we're feeling and doing that's not on the axis of "healthy", and find ways to heal those things.
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Those who have dealt with painful, stressful, or scary events in their past, especially ongoing relationships, often develop certain coping mechanisms to deal with the situation their in at the time, but that don't work very well for the rest of life, when there's no huge crisis or danger. Those coping skills during "regular life" are much like carrying a semi-automatic weapon, a bullet-proof vest and a shield to the grocery store; unless you live in a literal war-zone, you don't need to bring it; if we feel like we do, we're either in the wrong place, with the wrong people, or it's a coping mechanism from the past that really needs to be identified and healed. Or bringing a giant net everywhere one goes to "capture" new friends or lovers, or a stun-gun, or candy and gifts to lure them, or a conductor's wand to boss them around. That's obviously not the way to make real friends, or develop a healthy romantic partnership.
These coping tools and weapons are also manipulative ways to do business, and those with true inner integrity don't want to use those, they want to make an "honest living", and create healthy relationships.
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Identifying some of these developed coping mechanisms can be difficult because they can feel embarrassing to admit we have them, because we don't want others to notice (especially if they're prone to bullying), and also because it's hard to look at one's own back, and inside one's own head. Also if we don't know we're doing it, how can we know we're doing it? We can though, and once we get rolling it can actually become interesting, even fun, and definitely liberating.
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A few basic coping mechanisms that many people develop are:

Retreating when stress, anxiety, fear, or discomfort is felt in any situation.
Making up "reasons" for one's retreat that are either completely false, or psychosomatic. (I have to go, I'm late for... I can't come, I have to... I can't go to work, I'm sick again...) The body and mind is very, very good at "getting us out of" stressful situations, it can even make us sick if that's what seems to work.

Making sure we are only dealing with one person at a time, so when we're with one person, we make sure we're not with another.

Catering to those who make demands on us to avoid and alleviate the stress they cause when we don't give them what they want.

Shutting out those who do NOT make demands on us, in order to cater to those who do (to avoid stress, and avoid jealousy coming from the "demanders")

Arranging our lives so that we can be available to those who make demands on us, or who have taken over the driver's seat in our own lives. We often do this and then "hate" our lives, and can't seem to make our lives better.

Hiding our actions, lying.

Holding onto people who we don't really like because we can't stand the pain of separation, and are afraid to risk rejection.

Making sure we "fit in" with others in order to avoid their rejection or bullying, or in order to manipulate them into "liking us".

Making ourselves the "boss" of other people in an attempt to make them into a subordinate, so they'll feel obligated to stay with us or "look up to" us.

Giving unsolicited (unasked for) advice, forcing "caretaking" on others, jumping on opportunities to treat others like they're ignorant, weak, or incompetent in order to get a feeling of importance or capability.

Jumping off-subject, off-topic, the moment we feel discomfort, or feel bored.

Seeking adrenaline-rush by over-spending, driving fast, dominating others, being hostile and aggressive, or other behaviors.

"Self-medicating" within the frame of self-pity.

Keeping emotional injuries "open" because healing them means letting go of certain things like identifying ourselves as wounded, and therefore having an excuse for rage and other behaviors.

Labeling others as either "good" or "evil"

Triangulating; gossiping; creating factions and cliques; trying to ostracize certain people from larger groups we're in.

Trying to separate people from one another, or keep them separate from one another.

Being passive-aggressive, hostile, and/or retaliating toward anyone we feel envy or jealousy toward.

Avoiding doing things to actually heal ourselves; dropping things that were working to heal ourselves and going back to old habits because it's more comfortable.

Caring more about our own comfort than the actual needs of others in our lives; treating others without respect because it's "hard" to behave in a respectful manner.

Feeling guilt and/or shame when we're doing anything other than catering to certain "demanders" in our lives.

Government Or Sports?

What would happen if people took solving Government problems half as seriously as they take SPORTS? Hahahaaa!!!