Triggered To Feel Humiliation Or Shame

One of the possible effects of Narcissistic abuse:

Being TRIGGERED to feel shame, embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety, guilt, or fear when seeing or hearing certain social signals from others.

Sometimes the trigger can be tripped by the mere presence of a Controller/Narcissist, or even someone who might be one.

The feelings triggered have absolutely nothing to do with anything one has actually done, but it often can make a person believe they've done something wrong, OR that someone is accusing them.

Often if a triggered person can't find something they've done wrong recently, they'll try to match the feeling up to something in their past, or something about their character.

If they think they're being accused or blamed (because of the triggered feelings) by someone, they may also try to match up something real to the feeling. Some may not believe that the person is NOT trying to accuse or blame them, or cast guilt or shame on them; they don't realize it's an internal reaction from something they've been through.

This trigger can be one of the most debilitating effects of Narcissistic abuse, because it changes a person's ability to think, perform, and communicate effectively in the moment, and then the person has to go through a period of recovering from the effects of the trigger, and from whatever the event was that took place if it turned out poorly for them.

Controllers are notoriously skilled (or think they are) at using this trigger as a weapon for bullying, and for getting their own way. They may not even be consciously aware of the process, they may have begun doing it in their youth and were never disciplined or guided.

Controller/Narcissists may be very skilled at tripping this trigger on an unconscious level, simply from years of doing it, in the same way one gets better at skating or surfing, or driving, from doing it. (The brain learns whether we are paying attention or not).

This is one of the main ways Narcissists gain control in all kinds of situations. They are not affected, usually, even if they have the same trigger, because they are in the role of "aggressor", "controller", or "predator".

When one puts themselves in the role of aggressor/controller, one is actively seeking to "dominate" either another individual or a group, and therefore one FEELS LIKE they have the upper hand before anything even happens, or anyone even speaks.
When a Narcissist who's "taking control" is challenged, regardless of whether the challenger is right or wrong, they usually respond to the challenge with some sort of bully tactic immediately, reflexively.  

So if one challenges a Narcissist after they've said or done something to trip the "humiliation" trigger, the Narcissist is likely to do something to trip it AGAIN, until the person finally backs down or reacts poorly, overwhelmed by their own neurochemicals (such as adrenaline).

Many who work in the court, judicial and government systems seem to use this on a regular basis to intimidate and confuse people, as do those in various criminal outfits.
Many "business" people use this as well on potential customers, or on employees.
But this can be witnessed in literally any field, including in caregiving, teaching, and counseling occupations, and can be seen in any type of group of people.

Awareness is the first half of the whole battle ~:)

Narcissism MYTHS

Narcissism MYTHS:

~Wealthy people are all Narcissists; wealth makes people become Narcissists

~Good looking people are Narcissists; beauty makes people become Narcissists

~You can tell a Narcissist by looking at them or hearing them talk

~Narcissists are always "glib" and "socially savvy"

~All Narcissists are men

~Some Narcissists are women and you can tell by looking at them

~Poor or Working Class people can't be Narcissists

~You can't be a Narcissist if you're not physically attractive

~Celebrities are all Narcissists

~Politicians are all Narcissists

~Upper management are all Narcissists

~"Regular folks" can't be Narcissists

~Religious people can't be Narcissists

~Teachers can't be Narcissists

~Healthcare professionals and workers can't be Narcissists

~Therapists can't be Narcissists

~Civil rights activists can't be Narcissists

~Animal caregivers, activists, and rescuers can't be Narcissists

~Atheists can't be Narcissists

~Pot smokers can't be Narcissists

~"Green" people can't be Narcissists

~If you belong to a certain belief group, you can't be a Narcissist

~Only certain Political Parties have Narcissism, not the other ones

~People who seem "nice" in public can't have Narcissism

~People from certain regions are all Narcissists

~People from certain regions can't be Narcissists

There are NO "types" of humans who "can't be" a Narcissist, and there are NO types of humans who are automatically Narcissists.

Narcissism is a human condition, the only thing it requires physically is for a person to be a Homo Sapien. Having less empathy neurons in the brain helps also.

The only "kind" of Human that's "can't be" a Narcissist is a child. Children are raised by the adults around them, and are influenced drastically by ALL of the people around them as they grow up, which includes all of the people at school whom they're exposed to, all of the people in their community whom they're exposed to and interact with, and all of the people in their extended family. So if a child is behaving like a "Narcissist", it's probably something to do with the way they're being influenced or treated by someone around them.
If the behaviors and perceptions stick because of too much negative influence and not enough positive influence (which can occur even if the child's parents are good parents), or because of trauma that the child doesn't get to recover from, then the child may develop Narcissism as an adult, unfortunately.

The only way to cure Narcissism (as far as we know currently) is for the person to recognize they need to change first and accept responsibility for their own mental health and choices, and then go and do what it takes to recover, and that's extremely rare for people with this disorder.

Advising You About You

Continually giving advice about things you are already proficient at.

Offering to help you, or forcing help on you, with things you don't need or want help with.

Frequently giving warnings or reassurances about things you don't have anxiety or fear about, often to the point where it may cause a person to develop new anxiety or fear.

Frequently telling you information that you are well aware of, that they really should be aware that you know because of their relationship with you, obvious knowledge about you and your life experience, or past interactions between you. (Sometimes just because you're a breathing adult human.)

Reminding you about things you would not have forgotten (if they hadn't interrupted you so often to remind you.)

Advising you persistently about anything and everything.

Continually trying to correct and fix your hair, clothing, home, car, general appearance, pets, children. Not when you ask for it, and not when something is wrong, just continually correcting anything and everything, whether they know what they're doing or not.  

Giving you advice about things you are proficient at that they are not.

Asking you a question so they can criticize your answer, or argue with you.

Bringing up subjects in order to poke holes in and counter anything you say.

Bringing up subjects ONLY so they can be the one bringing up a subject; when you start to engage in discussion about the subject, they shut it down, claiming they don't want to talk about that.

Pontificating and lecturing about any subject that you bring up, or simple question that you have, assuming that one question means you know zero about the entire subject. (Q: "Is this car a standard?" 
A: "Standard, do you mean does the transmission have a stick shift instead of being automatic? There are several types of car transmissions, if you learn how to drive a manual stick, then you can drive most of them with a little practice. You have to know how to work the clutch and change the gears at the same time... a lot of Guys like it better because it gives you more power but you might not be interested in that... the Porsche has something called a manumatic transmission that combines automatic and manual.........") 


These can be bully tactics, but they can also be caused by other disorders, or even learned familial behaviors.
If it's mental illness and it's about control, then it's likely that the person will become VERY upset, offended, even enraged if one asks them to stop, and will usually refuse to stop doing any of it.

Raging Storms Of Controllers And Oppressors

If you're alone at sea, in a boat that's being tossed by waves and wind, you will be holding on, not paddling or sailing.
You will be trying to stay afloat and keep your balance.
You will be trying to stay alive, not making nets, mending sails, fishing, relaxing, enjoying the salt air, or plotting your course.

This is why fear, chaos, rejection and abandonment are used as tools for control, oppression, and sabotage. They work automatically. When a person is reacting to protect themselves or survive, they aren't doing much of anything else, and they can't think about much of anything else. The harsher the waves, the harder one has to hold on and fight to stay afloat, and the less they are able to think clearly or figure anything out. If no other boats are around, or if other boats refuse to help, then survival until the storm passes or the waves calm is what one must do. But what happens when another storm comes, and another one after that...before a person can recover their strength or mend their sails... or make any headway...or catch some fish...

This is how Control and oppression is done.
Both on a personal scale, and on a larger scale.

The controlled and oppressed are forced to learn things, gather resources, and make repairs in the midst of blowing wind and waves, while holding on to the boat with one hand, trying not to get thrown overboard.

It doesn't matter how expensive or new the boat is, all boats are subject to the effects of a storm, and all sailors are subject to the dangers, and must contend with the waves and the wind.
Someone else purposely creating the storms is what oppression is about, as well as the purposeful refusal to help a particular sailor.

Control Behaviors

Controllers will do whatever it takes to stay in control. Their goal is control, not whatever the goal, activity, or situation is; the project or activity, or relationship is secondary, or may not even be a real goal.
That's why none of your requests or suggestions, opinions, or needs are taken as valid. If they went along with something you requested, suggested, or initiated, that would mean (to them) that you are in control, and they're not. It's also why they try to "take over" whatever you're doing when you ask for their assistance instead of ASSISTING you. It's also why they always have to be "right", and you always have to be "wrong", and it's also why they always want to be the one who "knows more" or has "more experience", regardless of reality.
(They can become very taxing with constant announcements about "things they know" during social conversations, or during any kind of discussion; they seem to see conversation as a competition or an opportunity for displaying one's knowledge, instead of a respectful exchange of information, thought, or feeling and humor. So they may always be trying to "top" you or counter whatever you're saying; they may assume that you're trying to display your knowledge also to compete with them or "top" them.).

They will do things purposely in order to stay in control, such as

~withhold information
~change things around
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's work or project
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's character
~give skewed or negative feedback about one's judgment
~discard, destroy, or give away one's possessions or work
~change times and schedules so they're the one who's "in charge",
~counter anything one says,
~deny one's suggestions and requests,
~claim credit for another's work or idea
~invalidate things one says and expresses,
~ignore,
~not respond,
~stand a person up,
~leave a person out,
~deny one's basic physical needs; make it difficult to obtain them
~refuse to share resources or be unavailable after implying they wanted to "help" (even if helping is their job),
~turn activities into exclusive clubs for only certain types of people
~give "misinformation"
~sneak
~lie
~gossip, triangulate, slander
~threaten
~act tough
~speak abusively
~talk loudly on purpose
~interrupt, talk over others
~criticize
~put others down
~cast "blame" for anything and everything
~cast shame for anything and everything
~micro-manage
~micro-judge
~exaggerate physical problems to get sympathy, leniency, or resources
~make up physical problems to get the above
~sabotage
~deny training, mentoring, instruction
~demean a student while instructing them
~deny proper tools and materials
~deny space or time to work
~deny peace to concentrate
~deny peace, time, space, or care to recover from injury, whether physical or emotional

These are all Control behaviors, either for trying to gain control, or trying to maintain it. There are many more of course, with varying behaviors and degrees of severity; this is a basic list.

Controllers learn to do these things and how to do them because their main goal is gaining or keeping control. So they learn by trial and error, and by watching others, just like one would learn how to do anything else. They can and do learn other things as well, skills, knowledge, etc., but everything they do is always subject to and within the parameters of the motive of control.

Control Habit: Mismatching

"Mismatching" is the practice of finding things that don't match, obviously, and finding things that are incorrect, flawed, wrong, or that are are incongruous or unsymmetrical.

Using it for the purpose of putting someone down, judging them, shaming them, and humiliating them is a common practice for those who seek control or superiority over others.

Mismatching in and of itself is not negative at all, we need it as much as we need "Matching" to keep things running smoothly, figure out solutions, make progress and make repairs to pretty much anything, from planes trains and automobiles to how we relate with the natural world around us, to healthcare, government, science, religion, to personal human relationships. We need both to play games and to make music, to cook, to do accounting, to keep a job, and to raise a family, and to build and maintain friendships. We need both to write and do artwork, and we need them both to run a government smoothly.

When there is healthy planning and building going on, both Mismatching and Matching are happening at the same time in a balanced way, WITHOUT inserting personal preferences, personal favorites, personal resentments, personal dislikes, or personal ego.

People can do "Matching" and "Mismatching" without making it personal, either about themselves or about others, if they maintain objectivity or are genuinely interested in a project, a plan, a solution, or peace and happiness.

(Imagine if most government officials did this instead of what they usually do.) 

Humans tend to have a hard time keeping their personal issues to themselves and staying objective, so they tend to do "Matching" when they LIKE something or someone, and do "Mismatching" when they resent, dislike or envy something or someone.

In other words, they point out things that are "good" or "right" about who and what they like and favor, and point out things that are "wrong" or "incorrect" about who and what they dislike or resent.

Habitual "Mismatchers" do this on a regular basis, more than others, and use it to single people out, bully them, put them down, and humiliate them in front of others. They also tend to use it to get what they want as opposed to doing the right thing.

For example, on Facebook, when a "Mismatcher" agrees with a post, likes it, or it doesn't strike a nerve in their ego, or when they're a "fan" of the poster, they tend to ignore any flaws or typos, and tend to give their stamp of approval for the content of the post. They're displaying good manners because they LIKE it, or like the person~ BUT when someone they resent posts something, they'll look for an excuse to criticize something about the post, or look for an opportunity to argue with or insult the poster. They'll often do it right on the post, or they'll do it offline, talking about it with other people.

It's not because they felt like they needed to say something because the post was so "off" or "wrong" in some way, or because they wanted to share their own point of view (not the same as mismatching). It was because they were LOOKING for an excuse to criticize the person posting. They would ignore "flaws" either in type or content when it's someone they LIKE or agree with, and even make excuses for them, five minutes after they just tried to tear someone else apart for the same exact "flaw".

"Mismatchers" scan for things that they might be able to use as an opportunity to blame or criticize someone for, and will try to use anything at all to turn into a "flaw", or say that it's "incorrect", or even "crazy", in order to put the person down.