Daily Narcissism

Refusing to see you as "equal" to themselves, refusing to see you for who you actually are, refusing to acknowledge your real abilities, experience, skill, talent and strengths, trying to make you into less of a person, and refusing to take you seriously are what Narcissists do on a regular basis.

Control And Bad Manners

Some behaviors of many Controllers include:
Speaking and behaving without greeting, social grace, or ceremony on a regular basis.
It varies with the individual, but the common denominator is an absence of social graces, although they may make a SHOW of manners in front of certain people. (There is a difference between a "control freak" and an actual "Narcissist"; a true "Narcissist" will try to tailor their behavior to the specific audience even more than the average Controller will.)

Some examples:
>Not saying "thank you" when given something, even a gift, by certain people whom they consider "lower"  (they may thank others profusely for even small things).

>Not asking for things, but instead demanding or taking them.

>Making demands and commands instead of invitation.

>Giving instructions instead of asking politely for assistance ("I need you to help me move this weekend" instead of "I need to move this weekend, would you be able to help me?")

>Not saying "please".

>Standing in others' way, literally. Physically placing themselves in front of others, blocking them, or in the path of others, or in the middle of what others are doing.

>Entering closed rooms or dwellings without knocking, or knocking and entering without waiting for an answer.


>Absence of courtesy, manners, and polite respect toward strangers and in public.


>Rationalizing and justifying the absence of social graces toward others, for example using their situation, occupation or position as an excuse.
(If one police officer maintains his or her social graces, then being a police officer is not a valid "reason" for bad manners and disrespect toward others. Nor is being a supervisor, or a customer service worker, or a factory worker, or a CEO, or a celebrity, or an animal control officer, or a lab technician, or a line cook, or a social worker, or being poor or being wealthy, etc, etc. If the situation is too stressful for an individual, then they need to either get help and find better ways to deal with it, or find a different occupation, but it's not a valid reason to treat others poorly. You can find homeless people who have nothing, people who have suffered great loss and trauma, people who deal with extreme stress every day with enduring social graces.)

>Not acknowledging when another person speaks, or what they've said.

>Only acknowledging what another person says via criticism, insult, or invalidation.

>Constantly giving instructions, commands, and demands. (A target can't walk across the room without being given a new order or request.)

>Constantly making "suggestions" about anything and everything. Constantly giving "advice" to specific targets.

>Always making critical "observations" about others.

>Purposely speaking and acting in a "tough", "gruff", or lewd manner in front of others. Severe cases will do this especially in front of children, the elderly, or physically or mentally 'challenged' adults.

>Talking over others, interrupting them while they're speaking on a regular basis (on purpose, or without caring).

>Bad phone etiquette, such as:
Talking on the phone and with those in the room with them at the same time, without common etiquette like saying "hold on" to the person on the phone; calling them back at a better time; telling those in the room that they're on the phone and to wait until they hang up to speak to them; talking in normal volume or loudly on the phone in the midst of others trying to have a conversation, watch a show, eat a meal, etc.


>Launching immediately into announcements when someone enters a room, without greeting or ceremony.
(Many of these, including this one, can also be seen in those who are having some kind of difficulty, such as those who are "under the influence", those with certain cognitive issues, and those who have dementia for various reasons; also sometimes Asperger's or autism may show this. Also sometimes in those who are dealing with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or an abusive situation. ~ With this example, for instance, a person entering the room can be like a trigger to talk, to connect to another human being. OR, the behavior might have an agenda of Control and/or subjugation behind it if the person is actually a Narcissist. A person could have both Narcissism and another issue going on. Finding out the person's real motives and issues can be a challenge, but it means the difference between being a "target" and simply being in contact with someone with some kind of disability, be it temporary or permanent. Having healthy boundaries and awareness make it possible, and easier, to discern and to deal with either one.)

Social Signals That Controllers And Narcissists Pick Up On

Three common social signals that we probably don't realize we're doing, that indicate "submission", "weakness", "inexperience", and/or "ignorance" to other humans, and especially Controllers and Narcissists:

Looking away from direct eye contact, either before or after making eye contact, or both;
Lowering the shoulders and turning the body away so we're not facing the other person with "shoulders back" and "head up";
ASKING QUESTIONS.

The first two are pretty obvious to most people, although most people who do them may not realize they're doing it, or how often.
The third is not so obvious. If we pay close attention, we can hear a pattern in any culture or group:
Who is asking questions, who is using a "question?" tone, and who is answering the questions.

In a "status hierarchy", being the One Who Does Not Know is lower status than the One Who Knows.

If the relationships between people don't have status, hierarchy, and dominance issues, then people don't pay much attention to WHO KNOWS WHAT. Information is neutral, no one "owns" information, no one cares if they know something or don't know something that someone else does or doesn't.
But in a status hierarchy where people are vying for dominance and "recognition", and others are making submission gestures (to gain the approval of those who are "dominant" and appear "NICE"), QUESTIONS are the fastest and most effective gesture.

In such groups and relationships, those who are displaying submission with questions and a question tone will ask about things they already know the answer to, or they could easily find out on their own.
Even more importantly, in such groups and relationships, those who are seeking "dominant status" will ANSWER questions REGARDLESS of their ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE.

The interaction is NOT ABOUT INFORMATION. The actual information is secondary to the submission/dominance display. When people are used to this and it's normalized in their culture and community, they will rationalize the whole interaction in order to prevent it from becoming exposed. Both the submission and the dominance displayers are doing it for personal reasons, for a kind of gain or for survival, whether they're conscious of it or not. Therefore the subconscious does not want it exposed for what it is.

 

Further still, in cultures, communities, and groups where this "question/answer" interaction display is normalized, many take it to another level. Manipulators may use BOTH or EITHER the "Question" gesture OR the "Answer" display to affect an outcome, to get what they want. Which one they use most simply depends on which works for them personally, and who they're trying to manipulate. 

For example a woman in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Question tone and gesture to get a MAN to assist or help her, but she might use the Answer gesture to display dominance over another woman. A man in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Answer gesture more often than not, because male Controllers are often very insecure and worried about appearing inexperienced to others, thereby risking their perceived "Dominant Status". 

Many take the Answer display gesture so far that it becomes transparent and obvious, constantly giving "answers" and "information" whether anyone was asking or not. This is a flag of Narcissistic disorder, because Narcissists don't pay attention to the ability, intelligence, or experience of others, especially if they have not initially assessed the person as "Elite",  "Expert", or "Authority".  They are always trying to be the Expert over someone else., and strangely, they often do this even MORE around an actual expert.  

(A Narcissist who is stuck in this Answer Display gesture would explain how to play a guitar to Nancy Wilson and Muriel Anderson, lecture about the brutality of war to a Viet Nam veteran,  pontificate about the importance of World Peace to the Dalai Lama, and condescend to Margaret Thatcher about "what it takes" to be a government official. So try not to take it too personally when one of them talks down to you like your a novice, a small child, or completely clueless.)