Boys Giving Advice To Girls

When girls and women ask a specific question ~ about pretty much anything ~ a funny thing happens. More often than not, someone will take it upon themselves to expand a simple answer into a very long and convoluted explanation about the entire subject.

That "someone" is often any nearby male who hears the question.

Here's the thing though: it can also be a WOMAN. Women often do this as well, especially to women and girls.

"Do you know which headlight bulb goes in the Ford Taurus?"

.... instead of:  "No, I don't remember." or, "Yes, pretty sure it's 9005, at least for the 2012." get:  "Well, there's all different kinds of headlights, sometimes you have to replace the whole headlamp. Sometimes there's a dual bulb that does both high beams and low beams in one bulb, you have to make sure you get the right one. Here, we can look this up, see it's all listed in the catalog, by make and model, and by the year. Is someone going to do it for you? You might want someone to do it for you, it can be really hard in some cars, you won't want to do it yourself. Are you SURE it's a FORD TAURUS?"

And... here's the OTHER thing: MEN often do this to OTHER MEN, and boys, too!

Sometimes a person will do it, and sometimes they won't, depending on a few factors.

 MAIN factors include:
Whether the answer-expander assumes themselves to be superior in experience, knowledge, and/or intelligence to the question-asker or not, and whether the answer-expander sees future consequences for condescending and pontificating in this way to this particular person.

Also, how needy for ego inflation the answer-expander is.

People, both male and female people, who dramatize their answers to simple questions may actually know what they're talking about, but it's just as likely that they HAVE NO CLUE about what they're talking about.

The B.S. factor is one of the important reasons that they only do it with SOME people, but not with OTHERS. If they're afraid they're going to get caught making things up and giving false information in order to embellish and make themselves sound smart (or try to make the questioner SOUND STUPID), then they might not do it in the first place.

For example, if I go into a certain hardware store alone, the way most of the clerks speak to me (or us) is with almost comical condescension.  And that's from both the male and female clerks. I'm small, blondish, child-like facial features, and female. So when they see me, they see a cartoon image, not ME, and they treat me according to their cartoon image in their heads of a small blond girlish woman.

The stereotypes come marching out, arm in arm with their ego issues:
"Here's an opportunity for me to feel like I'm BIGGER and SMARTER than another person!"

So I don't get the same civil, courteous greeting from the clerks and cashiers that the three taller people behind me get, two of whom are older men. I get maybe a little nod if I'm lucky, and a glare from one of the female cashiers.

Then, I go looking for the kind of nails I need for the project I'm working on, and I'll probably get some screws too, and I'm also in the market for a Japanese hand saw. So already I'm less happy about shopping in this store due to the lack of courtesy and downright snottiness, I'm thinking of going elsewhere, but hey I'm already here, so whatever.

I go looking for the specific nails I need, but I can't find them. Now there are two clerks nearby, a man and a woman. The man sees me looking through the bins and comes over, and asks "Can I help you?" which is nice, so I tell him I need some sinker nails and roofing nails. His response is not to simply point to the row of roofing nail bins, or the sinker nails, he asks me what I NEED THEM FOR,  and when I don't really answer him, he launches into a lengthy soliloquy about the difference between galvanized and non-galvanized nails, the reason some are longer than others, and how they are each made for different kinds of use, indoor and outdoor. And, half of his very long, very annoying speech was WRONG, he was either making it up or someone told him wrong. So I stood there, nodding my head, going "mmhmmm", pretending to believe in his expertise so he wouldn't feel challenged or embarrassed and retaliate somehow, and just STOP talking.

In the meantime, the female clerk is standing nearby, nodding her head in agreement with him, staring at me with her eyebrows raised, as if she knows everything about nails too and is helping him to educate me and my silly little blondie head.
Except that... she was agreeing with his complete and utter nonsense...

So I just kept nodding and agreeing until they ran out of steam. Then I found what I was  looking for on my own, without their help, since they didn't actually help me find the nails I needed. I didn't even bother to get the screws or the Japanese saw, I went to a Big Box store because I knew where they were without having to ask anyone.

THEN, my taller, average-build male friend went to that same hardware store with me because he needed a measuring tape and some paint. All the same characters were there. They all nodded and gave him a "Welcome" when he walked in ahead of me, but they didn't make eye contact with me, which I found funny. The cashier who had glared at me the last time looked down at her register.

We walked around the store for a minute, and those same two clerks were milling in the aisles, putting various things in their place.
"Can I help you?" said the female clerk to my friend (not to me), and my friend said "Sure! I need a measuring tape!"
"Right over here!" the clerk smiled, and happily bustled two aisles over, making a flourish toward the rather large array of measuring tapes.
The male clerk, who was nearby, said nothing at all.
The female clerk walked away.

No one tried to "HELP" my male friend pick out his own measuring tape, no one lectured him on the history of measuring tapes, no one pontificated on the proper use and care of measuring tapes, no one asked him "What do you want it for?" and no one told him what they were FOR, or how they're MADE.

He looked them over, picked a few up, tested them out, felt their weight in his hand, asked me which one I liked the best, I told him, and he decided on a similar but not identical measuring tape.

Then we walked to the paint section, picked up a quart of the right color, paid, and left.



Dignity, Civility, and Bullies

Protecting the dignity of others is one of the foundations of civilization, and the development of civil behavior.
No one is immune to embarrassment or feelings of humiliation. Instead of making that happen more often to others with our speech and actions, we purposely minimize the occurrences by using civility, politeness, and our own empathy.

For instance when we see someone walking out of the bathroom at a restaurant with toilet paper dragging behind their shoe, we do something to discreetly stop them, or just step on it to get it off their shoe (if we're close enough). What we would NOT do is yell across the restaurant "HEY YOU GOT TOILET PAPER ON YOUR SHOE!" or point at them and laugh out loud, getting everyone around us to look at them. It's not about "political correctness", it's just dignity and empathy.
Even if WE wouldn't be bothered by it ourselves, our empathy and common sense tells us that the other person might be, and so we seek to quickly and quietly just fix it, not make a big drama out of it, trying to get attention for ourselves at the other person's expense.

Some Narcissists might help the person, some might do the opposite and yell across the room or point it out. But most Narcissists, whether they helped or not, would then see the person as a little "lower" than before, as if the toilet paper incident ONLY happens to those who aren't on the same level as they are. (Even if it HAS happened to them before~ it doesn't matter.)

So one of the major practical reasons that civilized behavior includes protecting the dignity of one another, is because of predators and Narcissists who might be nearby, witnessing the events and conversations around them.

Now that person with the toilet paper on their shoe is on the Narcissist's radar, and the person's reaction would have been gauged. Did she act embarrassed? Did she shrug it off? Did she turn red, even though he shrugged it off? Did she go back into the bathroom, or fidget with her hair, act nervous? Did she seem oblivious, and perhaps drunk?

That information may be filed and used to assess the person's personality (not necessarily ACCURATELY, but the Narc. will think so). So if the Narc. assesses the person to be dominatable, then that's one more person they feel superior to, or that they might even mark for future games, depending on the individuals and the personal agenda.

If it was a "big business" meeting where there were a lot of "narcs" and "sharks" present, then the picture is clearer to see why the whole scenario would carry importance.

But it's important in every day life. Many Narcs and predators are FULLY AWARE of the dignity of others, and it's obvious because they are SO worried about protecting their OWN, but they purposely TARGET the dignity of others in order to hurt them in a broad way.

They might do seemingly small, subtle things such as mentioning your hair dye in a crowded room, or they might comment on your teeth in front of someone else, or they might make fun of your job in front of others. They might NOT tell you that your shirt is on backwards just so they can watch other people notice it.
Or they might do things like put you down and insult you in front of others, they might do it in front of personal social groups or at your job. They might purposely condescend to you in front of others so it looks like you don't know what you're doing, or what you're talking about. They might "shush" you, or criticize you in front of others.

They might purposely withhold introductions, polite interactions, and normal civil behavior toward you.

They might purposely disagree with you in front of others, and then try to attack you ad hominem.

"In Front Of Others" is important because they're not just disagreeing with you, they are trying to AFFECT AN OUTCOME and trying to get OTHER PEOPLE to turn against you, or at least see you in a LESS POSITIVE LIGHT.

If they disagreed with you, and they were protecting your dignity, they would disagree politely and share their own point of view, but they would do it in private, OR they would simply NOT use insults, condescension, or accusatory language.

One could have a discussion with Charles Manson, the Dalai Lama, Hillary Clinton, Vladimir Putin, Queen Elizabeth, and Michelle Obama about pretty much any subject WITHOUT any animosity or snottiness, for hours, IF everyone there was practicing CIVILITY, and being aware of one another's dignity.
For real.

Why Narcissists Betray

Cheating, infidelity and betrayal in platonic and family relationships are common for Narcissists not just because they're bent on hurting a person, but more because they are addicted to getting attention and approval from others.

They have little or no qualms about doing things behind a person's back, spreading gossip and rumors about a person who is supposed to be a member of their family, a close friend, or a romantic partner or spouse if they think it will get them attention and approval from others.

For example if a Narcissistic husband notices that a certain woman seems to be attracted to him, it's the fact that she is showing attraction to him that plugs into his addiction, not HIS attraction TO HER. Whether he found her attractive before or not is not really the catalyst, it's the fact that SHE seems to be a potential SUPPLY, now that she is looking at HIM.

She is giving him positive attention, and even if it's only a little, it's like crack to a Narcissist.

Now, if he finds her attractive enough, he will find excitement in the attention she gives him. He'll look forward to getting that attention, that positive approval, any sympathy, and any PRAISE especially. He'll sneak around, have secret meetings, secret messages in text and online, have a secret "relationship" with her~ trying to get more and more of that Supply of attention and ego stroking.

If he can get her to gossip with him right away about his wife, exwife, or even his kids, then he knows he's home free; this new woman is going to follow along with his line about how awful he's been treated, how awful his life has been, and how he just wants to be freeee.... to be with such an awesome creature like her...

So now, she's a partner in scapegoating his wife, which is a huge Supply for a Narcissist, AND she's giving him positive attention and stroking his ego, which is an even bigger Supply.

SHE thinks it's because he's attracted to HER the whole time, that he LIKES HER, that it's a REAL RELATIONSHIP between the two of them. But what he's actually "attracted to" is the praise and positive attention she gives him.

The day she disagrees with him, does something unexpected, does or says something that "tweaks" his very inflated ego, or doesn't comply with his expectations is the day he will start seeing her as "flawed" and "replaceable".

(If she's got Narcissism issues of her own, she'll then start to manipulate, stalk, possibly do things to his wife, exwife, or family, after he begins the "discarding" process.)