A very common destructive behavior that humans will do, but Narcissists take to a higher level, is engage MORE, and engage more respectfully and enthusiastically, with "the public", with strangers, acquaintances, distant friends and relatives, than with those inside their "inner circle".
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A person's "inner circle" would be their partner, sibling, child, close friend, parent, other closer relative; anyone who's associated more closely than others with the person.
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(They'll also do this with other certain friends and associates, especially if the person is less aggressive and more polite, or 'happy go lucky', or smaller, or doesn't have a "posse";
if it appears that they will not receive CONSEQUENCES for dominating, bossing, and disrespecting them. )
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Obviously this behavior is to get a 'fix' of positive attention and approval, both for non-narcissists and for Narcissists. However, while non-narcissists may do this from time to time, Narcissists do it regularly, have no remorse, and even believe there's nothing wrong with the behavior.
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For example John and Jake are at a restaurant; John "chats up" the waitstaff like they're long lost buddies, which might be fun, except for the fact that both John and the waitstaff are completely ignoring Jake. It's not "Chi", it's not coolness, it's just rude and very immature. What's really happening is that John is getting a charge out of being seen as the "Charismatic One", the "Cooler One", or the "More Intelligent One" compared to Jake, and the waitstaff is getting a charge out of being INCLUDED in the "Cooler Kid" or "More Manly than Jake" crowd.
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John is getting a positive "fix" from the interaction, and isn't worried about consequences, because he doesn't CARE about Jake's feelings, he isn't personally involved with the waiter. Jake has already accepted being treated as a "sidekick", and as far as John is concerned, is a lesser person anyway. John's not worried that Jake will leave, he feels dominant over Jake. If Jake protests, John will simply ridicule and browbeat him until he backs down again. (If Jake does end the friendship , sick of John treating him like a sidekick for so long, John will smear him, and blame Jake's girlfriend. He won't recognize or admit that he did anything wrong; he would rather destroy the friendship than do that, because that would take actual humility and accountability.)
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Mary, Rachel and Lori go to a local concert together. They go to the bar together and order drinks, but Mary gets stuck waiting for all three drinks because Rachel and Lori leave her there and go to the bathroom, Rachel leading and Lori following. When some acquaintances show up and start chatting, Rachel talks over Mary every time she speaks. Mary keeps losing Rachel and Lori in the crowd because they keep walking away from her without saying anything, looking for more attention from others. When a band member gives them backstage passes, they don't even mention that there's a third friend with them; they tell Mary to wait in the car for them, or get a ride home with someone else. It may look like Rachel is just more "outgoing" and "fun", but what's really happening is Rachel is competing directly with Mary for the spotlight, for attention and approval from others. Every time she gets Lori to leave Mary behind, she gets a little charge out of it, a little domination fix. Every time there are other people around, Rachel tries to display "I'm The Better One" and "I'm Better Than Her" and "Look At ME, not HER". Her disrespectful behavior toward Mary is multifaceted: it gives Rachel a neurotransmitter "fix", it sends a message to Lori that RACHEL is the "boss", not Mary, and it sends a message to others that Mary is a LESSER PERSON, and that RACHEL is the "Cool/Good/Smart/Attractive/Trustworthy/Fun One". It doesn't matter that none of it is true, the "message" still gets sent, and paints the picture AS IF it's true.
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The day before, the three of them went to the Mall to buy clothes for the concert. Rachel kept picking out what would "look good on Mary", advising her about everything from her hair to her shoes; she paid more attention to "advising" Mary than she did picking out her own clothes. Rachel spoke to the store clerks OVER Mary, placing herself between them and Mary, as if she somehow had authority and charge over Mary and her decisions. Rachel became resentful when Mary did not follow her advice and picked out her own clothes, so she went into the dressing room with Lori, and acted dismissive and snappy toward Mary for the rest of the day.
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Rachel's underlying motivation is for the world to see her as ABOVE Mary, and Mary as LESSER than herself. She doesn't end the friendship, because she wants to keep Mary around as a sidekick or little sister in front of others, and as a big sister or buddy when they're alone. Someone who will prop her up, someone to run to, a shoulder to cry on, to help her, and ALSO someone to use as a stand-in when no one else is around; someone to use as a cushion, as a punching bag, and someone to dominate and boss around so she feels in control, and appears "more important" and "more capable" than in comparison (again not actually true, but this appearance is achieved with the behaviors, because most people don't see what it is.)
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These examples were same sex peer friendships, but this behavior is also done in other relationships. It seems to be most common, or does the most damage, in partner relationships and parent/child relationships.
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John invites Katy out on a date. He takes her to walk around the mall, to dinner, and to a movie, which might have been a nice evening. However, every time there's an opportunity to talk to a friend they see, or a stranger such as a clerk or a waitstaff person, John seems to forget that Katy is even THERE. He spends more time and energy engaging in enthusiastic conversation with total strangers, and acts much more interested in THEM, than Katy. When they go to Dick's Sporting goods, he engages in deep and "witty" discussion about fishing with a male clerk, both of them leaving Katy out of the conversation (SHE is the one who's into fishing, but he speaks to the clerk as if it's HIS interest. Both John and the male clerk further behave as if fishing is a "Guy Thing", and "Girls Don't Get It", even though neither John nor the clerk are actually "into" it.)
John keeps TELLING KATY "facts" instead of engaging WITH her, treating her like she's his student or novice apprentice instead of with respect, like a peer and a friend. He walks in front of her instead of beside her, as if he's a father with a child, OR makes her "lead", as if he's a child with his mother. When she makes a joke, he doesn't laugh; he either RETELLS THE JOKE, or tells another one to "top" hers.
They go into a women's clothing store, and John engages the female clerk, obviously flirting with her. He's not trying to get her to go out with him, but he IS giving her all kinds of signals that he finds her attractive, and is obviously seeking her attention BACK. While Katy is looking at a dress, John is talking to the female clerk about the dress, and about her own outfit, and about working in the mall, and what he does for a living. ~John is NOT talking to KATY.~ He's also not including Katy in the conversation. He's also placing himself in between the clerk and Katy, so she isn't able to speak to her as a CUSTOMER, as if she's a "real person". The female clerk is also immature, so she goes along with it, enjoying both the attention and the fact that John is placing her ABOVE his OWN DATE. (Especially since she finds Katy to be very pretty; she's getting a childish charge out of John's obvious flirtation right in front of her.)
John does this for the rest of the evening; speaks to OTHERS with more interest and enthusiasm than to KATY, pays more attention to OTHERS than to Katy, and seems to FORGET SHE'S THERE when he engages with someone else. He flirts with the waitress at the restaurant (who flirts back and ignores Katy, and therefore receives ZERO tip, since Katy had agreed to pay the tip... lol), he "chats up" his male friends they run into, leaving Katy out of the conversation, he steps IN FRONT OF Katy while "chatting up" total strangers at the movies.
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(Katy doesn't go on many more dates with John. He seemed charming and fun at first, but it became apparent that his interests are in being someone's Leader, and in getting Attention and Approval, than in building a real friendship with a real person.)
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Rachel takes her daughter and son out on a similar outing. She does most of the same behaviors with her children that John did on his date with Katy, and how she acted toward Mary in the clothing store. However she adds to those behaviors a measure of annoyed "discipline", which she can't really get away with when she's with a peer.
John does the same thing with his children.
They take them to the mall, but they don't engage with them, they ignore them and engage enthusiastically with clerks and friends they run into. Their language and tone toward their children is snappy, dismissive, and disapproving. They tell their children to pick out some clothes, but whatever the children pick out is "not quite good enough", or just "wrong". Wherever the children request to eat is denied, and a different restaurant is chosen by the parent, and then the same thing with the children's food choices. Both John and Rachel COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR KIDS to the other adults they talk to, and often IMPLY that their kids are a "PAIN IN THE NECK" to total strangers, regardless of whether their kids are present or not.
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Narcissists SEEK APPROVAL AND ATTENTION from those outside of their "inner circle", because those INSIDE of their "inner circle" are no longer "Real People" to them. They are extensions of themselves, accessories, pets, props, supply wells, crutches, and "forced burdens". They USE those inside their circle not only to get supply from that person, but also to get MORE ATTENTION, approval, and supply from others. They aren't interested in a "relationship" with them, anymore than they want a relationship with their hat or a pair of pants, or a stereo, or the living room lamp. They don't actually want a "relationship" with anyone else, either; they just want supply, approval and attention. (This is one of the main reasons that most Narcissists often feel "empty", and try to fill that hole with supply~ they don't really know what healthy relationships are because they didn't have the opportunity to develop them in their youth.)
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A person's "inner circle" would be their partner, sibling, child, close friend, parent, other closer relative; anyone who's associated more closely than others with the person.
~
(They'll also do this with other certain friends and associates, especially if the person is less aggressive and more polite, or 'happy go lucky', or smaller, or doesn't have a "posse";
if it appears that they will not receive CONSEQUENCES for dominating, bossing, and disrespecting them. )
~
Obviously this behavior is to get a 'fix' of positive attention and approval, both for non-narcissists and for Narcissists. However, while non-narcissists may do this from time to time, Narcissists do it regularly, have no remorse, and even believe there's nothing wrong with the behavior.
~
For example John and Jake are at a restaurant; John "chats up" the waitstaff like they're long lost buddies, which might be fun, except for the fact that both John and the waitstaff are completely ignoring Jake. It's not "Chi", it's not coolness, it's just rude and very immature. What's really happening is that John is getting a charge out of being seen as the "Charismatic One", the "Cooler One", or the "More Intelligent One" compared to Jake, and the waitstaff is getting a charge out of being INCLUDED in the "Cooler Kid" or "More Manly than Jake" crowd.
~
John is getting a positive "fix" from the interaction, and isn't worried about consequences, because he doesn't CARE about Jake's feelings, he isn't personally involved with the waiter. Jake has already accepted being treated as a "sidekick", and as far as John is concerned, is a lesser person anyway. John's not worried that Jake will leave, he feels dominant over Jake. If Jake protests, John will simply ridicule and browbeat him until he backs down again. (If Jake does end the friendship , sick of John treating him like a sidekick for so long, John will smear him, and blame Jake's girlfriend. He won't recognize or admit that he did anything wrong; he would rather destroy the friendship than do that, because that would take actual humility and accountability.)
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Mary, Rachel and Lori go to a local concert together. They go to the bar together and order drinks, but Mary gets stuck waiting for all three drinks because Rachel and Lori leave her there and go to the bathroom, Rachel leading and Lori following. When some acquaintances show up and start chatting, Rachel talks over Mary every time she speaks. Mary keeps losing Rachel and Lori in the crowd because they keep walking away from her without saying anything, looking for more attention from others. When a band member gives them backstage passes, they don't even mention that there's a third friend with them; they tell Mary to wait in the car for them, or get a ride home with someone else. It may look like Rachel is just more "outgoing" and "fun", but what's really happening is Rachel is competing directly with Mary for the spotlight, for attention and approval from others. Every time she gets Lori to leave Mary behind, she gets a little charge out of it, a little domination fix. Every time there are other people around, Rachel tries to display "I'm The Better One" and "I'm Better Than Her" and "Look At ME, not HER". Her disrespectful behavior toward Mary is multifaceted: it gives Rachel a neurotransmitter "fix", it sends a message to Lori that RACHEL is the "boss", not Mary, and it sends a message to others that Mary is a LESSER PERSON, and that RACHEL is the "Cool/Good/Smart/Attractive/Trustworthy/Fun One". It doesn't matter that none of it is true, the "message" still gets sent, and paints the picture AS IF it's true.
~
The day before, the three of them went to the Mall to buy clothes for the concert. Rachel kept picking out what would "look good on Mary", advising her about everything from her hair to her shoes; she paid more attention to "advising" Mary than she did picking out her own clothes. Rachel spoke to the store clerks OVER Mary, placing herself between them and Mary, as if she somehow had authority and charge over Mary and her decisions. Rachel became resentful when Mary did not follow her advice and picked out her own clothes, so she went into the dressing room with Lori, and acted dismissive and snappy toward Mary for the rest of the day.
~
Rachel's underlying motivation is for the world to see her as ABOVE Mary, and Mary as LESSER than herself. She doesn't end the friendship, because she wants to keep Mary around as a sidekick or little sister in front of others, and as a big sister or buddy when they're alone. Someone who will prop her up, someone to run to, a shoulder to cry on, to help her, and ALSO someone to use as a stand-in when no one else is around; someone to use as a cushion, as a punching bag, and someone to dominate and boss around so she feels in control, and appears "more important" and "more capable" than in comparison (again not actually true, but this appearance is achieved with the behaviors, because most people don't see what it is.)
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These examples were same sex peer friendships, but this behavior is also done in other relationships. It seems to be most common, or does the most damage, in partner relationships and parent/child relationships.
~
John invites Katy out on a date. He takes her to walk around the mall, to dinner, and to a movie, which might have been a nice evening. However, every time there's an opportunity to talk to a friend they see, or a stranger such as a clerk or a waitstaff person, John seems to forget that Katy is even THERE. He spends more time and energy engaging in enthusiastic conversation with total strangers, and acts much more interested in THEM, than Katy. When they go to Dick's Sporting goods, he engages in deep and "witty" discussion about fishing with a male clerk, both of them leaving Katy out of the conversation (SHE is the one who's into fishing, but he speaks to the clerk as if it's HIS interest. Both John and the male clerk further behave as if fishing is a "Guy Thing", and "Girls Don't Get It", even though neither John nor the clerk are actually "into" it.)
John keeps TELLING KATY "facts" instead of engaging WITH her, treating her like she's his student or novice apprentice instead of with respect, like a peer and a friend. He walks in front of her instead of beside her, as if he's a father with a child, OR makes her "lead", as if he's a child with his mother. When she makes a joke, he doesn't laugh; he either RETELLS THE JOKE, or tells another one to "top" hers.
They go into a women's clothing store, and John engages the female clerk, obviously flirting with her. He's not trying to get her to go out with him, but he IS giving her all kinds of signals that he finds her attractive, and is obviously seeking her attention BACK. While Katy is looking at a dress, John is talking to the female clerk about the dress, and about her own outfit, and about working in the mall, and what he does for a living. ~John is NOT talking to KATY.~ He's also not including Katy in the conversation. He's also placing himself in between the clerk and Katy, so she isn't able to speak to her as a CUSTOMER, as if she's a "real person". The female clerk is also immature, so she goes along with it, enjoying both the attention and the fact that John is placing her ABOVE his OWN DATE. (Especially since she finds Katy to be very pretty; she's getting a childish charge out of John's obvious flirtation right in front of her.)
John does this for the rest of the evening; speaks to OTHERS with more interest and enthusiasm than to KATY, pays more attention to OTHERS than to Katy, and seems to FORGET SHE'S THERE when he engages with someone else. He flirts with the waitress at the restaurant (who flirts back and ignores Katy, and therefore receives ZERO tip, since Katy had agreed to pay the tip... lol), he "chats up" his male friends they run into, leaving Katy out of the conversation, he steps IN FRONT OF Katy while "chatting up" total strangers at the movies.
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(Katy doesn't go on many more dates with John. He seemed charming and fun at first, but it became apparent that his interests are in being someone's Leader, and in getting Attention and Approval, than in building a real friendship with a real person.)
~
Rachel takes her daughter and son out on a similar outing. She does most of the same behaviors with her children that John did on his date with Katy, and how she acted toward Mary in the clothing store. However she adds to those behaviors a measure of annoyed "discipline", which she can't really get away with when she's with a peer.
John does the same thing with his children.
They take them to the mall, but they don't engage with them, they ignore them and engage enthusiastically with clerks and friends they run into. Their language and tone toward their children is snappy, dismissive, and disapproving. They tell their children to pick out some clothes, but whatever the children pick out is "not quite good enough", or just "wrong". Wherever the children request to eat is denied, and a different restaurant is chosen by the parent, and then the same thing with the children's food choices. Both John and Rachel COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR KIDS to the other adults they talk to, and often IMPLY that their kids are a "PAIN IN THE NECK" to total strangers, regardless of whether their kids are present or not.
~
Narcissists SEEK APPROVAL AND ATTENTION from those outside of their "inner circle", because those INSIDE of their "inner circle" are no longer "Real People" to them. They are extensions of themselves, accessories, pets, props, supply wells, crutches, and "forced burdens". They USE those inside their circle not only to get supply from that person, but also to get MORE ATTENTION, approval, and supply from others. They aren't interested in a "relationship" with them, anymore than they want a relationship with their hat or a pair of pants, or a stereo, or the living room lamp. They don't actually want a "relationship" with anyone else, either; they just want supply, approval and attention. (This is one of the main reasons that most Narcissists often feel "empty", and try to fill that hole with supply~ they don't really know what healthy relationships are because they didn't have the opportunity to develop them in their youth.)
