The energy displacement that happens when we are dealing with frustrating, confusing, and conflicted relationships causes fatigue, tiredness, and even exhaustion and illness.
To put it in a condensed image, if you're playing catch with someone, you can improve your throw and your catching quickly if you're both paying attention to what you're doing. If you're both genuinely participating in the game of catch. Which means treating the other person with normal respect and manners, not inserting ego, control, or drama.
But when the other person brings in personal issues, then the game changes for YOU, because you're not just playing "catch" anymore, because THEY'RE not just playing catch.
If the other person envies you and starts to act out on that envy, they might do all kinds of things like whip the ball hard, or try to hit you with it, try to make you miss, make fun of your throw, your catch, or the way you look. Now you're not just playing catch, you're expending a great deal of energy dealing with all the extra dramatics that THEY are doing. Plus, you're getting frustrated that you are now unable to actually practice. To play catch, you need the other person to participate, or YOU can't do it.
If the other person assigns themselves as your "superior", you'll have to deal with that behavior. So instead of just playing catch as a peer, they start giving you unsolicited "advice" and instruction; they talk down to you trying to make you into their inferior; they criticize your throw, your catch, your glove, your stance, your shoes, your clothes; they speak to you as if you are categorically lesser than they are as a person. They refuse just to PLAY CATCH, so now you have to deal with their behavior INSTEAD of just playing catch. Now you can't really practice, and you're not getting enjoyment out of the game. Plus, the feelings that you may experience such as frustration, possible humiliation, annoyance and maybe anger add to your fatigue.
If the other person was just pretending to want to practice with you, but they really just had nothing better to do at the time, they aren't going to be at all focused on playing catch with you. They'll be looking around, checking their phone, turning around, barely throwing or catching the ball, not at all "into" it, barely even present, because they're just using you to ward off boredom. And, they may be a controller who wanted to make sure you didn't find someone else to play ball with.
So instead of finding someone ELSE to play catch who was actually into it, you're playing fake-catch with someone who PRETENDED they wanted to play, just to have something to do, and to prevent you from hanging out with someone else. Now you have to deal with their frustrating behavior, the feelings that often come up when you realize you've been "played", and the frustration that you are not actually practicing or playing catch, and are getting no enjoyment out of it.
If the other person is a serious controller or a narcissist, then they MIGHT say "yes" to your request to a game of catch, but when you start playing, it's all about THEM, NOT the game. They may take on a "superior" role and dictate how the game should be played, "coach" you, criticize you, try to "run" this simple game of catch, and therefore are not actually playing "Catch" (they're playing "coach").
Or, they might act like a fragile child and try to get you to alter the whole game around them, to the nth degree, beyond friendly personal adjustments~ for example a friendly adjustment might be "I hurt my wrist yesterday, so don't throw too hard, okay?" But a controller-manipulation might sound instead like "You throw too hard! You're hurting my wrist! You're going to have to hand it to me after you catch it."
If you don't accept their every criticism and comply with their every alteration and command, or if you stand up to them at all, politely, they will "TAKE THEIR BALL AND GO HOME."
If a person is just the kind of bully that lives their lives around domination displays, then they might say "yes" to playing catch with you just for the opportunity for more domination displays. Such as.. throwing the ball over your head so you have to go get it. Or, throwing the ball out of your reach on purpose, so you'll try to catch it, but then you'll have to go get it. Or catching the ball and then whipping it back as fast as they can, trying to "scare you" or "make you flinch". This again is NOT "playing catch", or practicing, so you're expending energy on playing THEIR "games", but not on playing catch. Now if you want to actually play catch, you'll have to go and find someone else, after you're fatigued and tired from the fake game you were just playing, the physical and the mental and emotional "game".
Even if the other person is not a controller per se, but is just not serious about playing catch, and doesn't care that you really want to play catch or need to practice (that's why you asked them to play), their behavior will change the game as well. A person who's not into it CAN fake it so you can practice, but a person who doesn't CARE about the fact that you want or need to practice is not going to even "fake it" for more than a couple of minutes. They won't keep focused, they'll get bored, they won't remember that you asked them to play for a specific reason. They'll keep "dropping the ball", and you'll end up expending energy and becoming frustrated trying to keep their mind on the game.
In most of these cases, it may have been better just to bounce the ball off the wall alone. However the game of catch takes at least TWO people, as do relationships. The behavior of those in the game or the relationship either add energy TO the game (or relationship), or cause others to expend extra energy in trying to deal with the behaviors. When extra energy is expended "cleaning up messes", "putting out fires", "dealing with unfairness", "walking on eggshells", or "catering to egos", then the energy that would have been spent on actually practicing the game, playing the game, and building relationships is displaced.
To put it in a condensed image, if you're playing catch with someone, you can improve your throw and your catching quickly if you're both paying attention to what you're doing. If you're both genuinely participating in the game of catch. Which means treating the other person with normal respect and manners, not inserting ego, control, or drama.
But when the other person brings in personal issues, then the game changes for YOU, because you're not just playing "catch" anymore, because THEY'RE not just playing catch.
If the other person envies you and starts to act out on that envy, they might do all kinds of things like whip the ball hard, or try to hit you with it, try to make you miss, make fun of your throw, your catch, or the way you look. Now you're not just playing catch, you're expending a great deal of energy dealing with all the extra dramatics that THEY are doing. Plus, you're getting frustrated that you are now unable to actually practice. To play catch, you need the other person to participate, or YOU can't do it.
If the other person assigns themselves as your "superior", you'll have to deal with that behavior. So instead of just playing catch as a peer, they start giving you unsolicited "advice" and instruction; they talk down to you trying to make you into their inferior; they criticize your throw, your catch, your glove, your stance, your shoes, your clothes; they speak to you as if you are categorically lesser than they are as a person. They refuse just to PLAY CATCH, so now you have to deal with their behavior INSTEAD of just playing catch. Now you can't really practice, and you're not getting enjoyment out of the game. Plus, the feelings that you may experience such as frustration, possible humiliation, annoyance and maybe anger add to your fatigue.
If the other person was just pretending to want to practice with you, but they really just had nothing better to do at the time, they aren't going to be at all focused on playing catch with you. They'll be looking around, checking their phone, turning around, barely throwing or catching the ball, not at all "into" it, barely even present, because they're just using you to ward off boredom. And, they may be a controller who wanted to make sure you didn't find someone else to play ball with.
So instead of finding someone ELSE to play catch who was actually into it, you're playing fake-catch with someone who PRETENDED they wanted to play, just to have something to do, and to prevent you from hanging out with someone else. Now you have to deal with their frustrating behavior, the feelings that often come up when you realize you've been "played", and the frustration that you are not actually practicing or playing catch, and are getting no enjoyment out of it.
If the other person is a serious controller or a narcissist, then they MIGHT say "yes" to your request to a game of catch, but when you start playing, it's all about THEM, NOT the game. They may take on a "superior" role and dictate how the game should be played, "coach" you, criticize you, try to "run" this simple game of catch, and therefore are not actually playing "Catch" (they're playing "coach").
Or, they might act like a fragile child and try to get you to alter the whole game around them, to the nth degree, beyond friendly personal adjustments~ for example a friendly adjustment might be "I hurt my wrist yesterday, so don't throw too hard, okay?" But a controller-manipulation might sound instead like "You throw too hard! You're hurting my wrist! You're going to have to hand it to me after you catch it."
If you don't accept their every criticism and comply with their every alteration and command, or if you stand up to them at all, politely, they will "TAKE THEIR BALL AND GO HOME."
If a person is just the kind of bully that lives their lives around domination displays, then they might say "yes" to playing catch with you just for the opportunity for more domination displays. Such as.. throwing the ball over your head so you have to go get it. Or, throwing the ball out of your reach on purpose, so you'll try to catch it, but then you'll have to go get it. Or catching the ball and then whipping it back as fast as they can, trying to "scare you" or "make you flinch". This again is NOT "playing catch", or practicing, so you're expending energy on playing THEIR "games", but not on playing catch. Now if you want to actually play catch, you'll have to go and find someone else, after you're fatigued and tired from the fake game you were just playing, the physical and the mental and emotional "game".
Even if the other person is not a controller per se, but is just not serious about playing catch, and doesn't care that you really want to play catch or need to practice (that's why you asked them to play), their behavior will change the game as well. A person who's not into it CAN fake it so you can practice, but a person who doesn't CARE about the fact that you want or need to practice is not going to even "fake it" for more than a couple of minutes. They won't keep focused, they'll get bored, they won't remember that you asked them to play for a specific reason. They'll keep "dropping the ball", and you'll end up expending energy and becoming frustrated trying to keep their mind on the game.
In most of these cases, it may have been better just to bounce the ball off the wall alone. However the game of catch takes at least TWO people, as do relationships. The behavior of those in the game or the relationship either add energy TO the game (or relationship), or cause others to expend extra energy in trying to deal with the behaviors. When extra energy is expended "cleaning up messes", "putting out fires", "dealing with unfairness", "walking on eggshells", or "catering to egos", then the energy that would have been spent on actually practicing the game, playing the game, and building relationships is displaced.
