Ego And Control

The ego is the number one important thing in a Controller or Narcissist's life.
This is clearly demonstrated in how they will often attack, despise, or shun one person for simply not recognizing their "power", "toughness", or self-claimed "authority", or for refusing to give them extra sympathy, extra leniency, or extra recognition (NOT equal with what they would GIVE to another, especially the person they expect it from, but MORE, EXTRA)-,
but they will often LOOK THE OTHER WAY when someone does something criminal, violent, or terrible, especially when it was done to someone else. 

Controllers and Narcissists don't necessarily react negatively to others for terrible acts, even when those acts are done to those in their personal life, such as a family member, partner, friend, neighbor or coworker.

But they will often viciously "turn on" anyone who challenges or pricks their ego, either purposely or inadvertently, including those who are supposedly "close" to them, who they claim to "care about". 

They WILL however often pour out recognition, sympathy and even help for people they DON'T KNOW, while ignoring, demeaning, and turning on those in their personal life, no matter what happens to them, and no matter what they do or accomplish.

It's all about protecting the ego, self-preservation, feeling in-control, feeling superior and dominant, and building and maintaining image.

One Day "Love", Next Day "Hate". One Day "Friend", Next Day "Enemy". One Day "Welcomed", Next Day "Shunned"

"Devaluing" is the act or perception of just what it sounds like, removing value from a person or object.
The person or object was considered valuable before, but now the person or object is considered by the viewer as having less value and worth.

The DEVALUED (targeted) person is typically rejected, discarded, "shunned", or attacked, and in some cases even attacked with the intention of destroying either their reputation, their life, relationships, career, family, home, finances, or their physical body.

(The diamond was considered priceless, but on closer inspection it was found to have less clarity and more flaws than previously thought, so it was devalued.)




verb (used with object), de·val·ued, de·val·u·ing.
1. to deprive of value; reduce the value of.
2. to fix a lower value on (a currency).
verb (used without object), de·val·ued, de·val·u·ing. 3. to undergo devaluation: The currency has devalued at a rapid rate
Most times when one person DEVALUES another, it's not because the targeted person has done something terrible or heinous, such as stealing or physical attack, or even lying or betrayal.
It's more often than not that they've done something that anyone else would consider quite normal, every day human behavior such as wanting to have a conversation about something specific, or playing cards, telling jokes, dressing up, being polite to others, expressing one's point of view, fixing or building things, caring for plants, hiking, caring for animals, disagreeing in a conversation, going to school, etc  ~~~  OR nothing at all,
~~~  OR some kind of trivial slight that others might have barely noticed (forgot to put the bike in the garage so it got rained on, forgot to return the borrowed drill, forgot to pay back a small borrowed amount of money, forgot to put the trash out
~~~ but most frequently, it was something that tweaked the EGO of the devaluer, such as standing up for one's self against manipulation, rudeness, unfairness, disrespect, or abusiveness, or standing up for someone else, or "catching" the devaluer doing something "wrong".
~Or, NOT giving the devaluer something they want, something they expect, something they demand, that's outside of the parameters of what one expects in a healthy relationship, such as extra recognition, extra privilege, extra leniency, extra 'understanding', extra control, extra resources, extra help, or extra praise above and beyond what someone is able, and above and beyond what the devaluer would ever do for the other person.

Sometimes a devaluer will target another person because they noticed some kind of physical "flaw", such as a missing tooth, or crooked or unbleached teeth, or a lazy eye, a receding hairline, a body that doesn't look like TV, movie, or magazine characters', grey hair, short or long hair, thinness, heaviness, shortness, tallness, darker or lighter skin, frizzy hair, etc. etc. ad infinitum. They may target another person for devaluation because of illness, injury, or disability, or because of their age.

Sometimes a devaluer will target a person's job, or lack of a job, or career goals, or where they live, or their car (or lack thereof).
Legitimate "devaluation" is done only to inanimate objects, for example a car loses its value over time except in cases of certain "classics", and most other objects lose their value with wear and age. For a gem to be devalued would mean that it was previously thought to have less flaws, or perhaps a certain history (such as being a part of a royal crown), but it was found out to be not so clear or well-cut, or to not have any kind of special story. Computers usually lose their value the minute they're taken out of the box. Gold's value is based on the "market value" per ounce, as is silver, and it can go up or down according to many variables, AND it's only valued that way because humans decided that it was valuable.

The popular act of placing monetary value on animals has been going on for a very long time, and is directly related to ownership over animals. That which is not owned does not have financial value. So animals are often "valued" by whatever it is the buyers and sellers want to use the animal for, and also how rare, unique, or hard to acquire the animal is, just like inanimate objects.

Since animals are living beings, the practice of owning animals tends to blur the line for many humans between owning objects and owning people, and therefore valuing or devaluing them.


One does not value or devalue something unless they see it as an object that can be acquired or owned, even if the perception is only subconscious. Therefore those who devalue other humans see them as something that can be acquired and owned; an object, a thing, not a "PERSON" that can not be measured in "value", but who is a living being like themselves, OUTSIDE of the definition of an ownable object that can be weighed and measured by another. 

So when a person suddenly treats another person like they're NOT AS GOOD, UNWORTHY, NOT VALUABLE, NOT WORTHY OF THEM, they are most likely viewing the person more like an object and less like a person, a fellow human being.

They may SAY that they are not doing that, but the fact is that DEVALUATION directly implies that the object in question is an object, because an object can be owned and therefore assigned value, and then either kept or discarded; not a person, who cannot be owned (rightfully) and therefore cannot be valued or devalued.

(Only those with serious sociopathy (mental illness) conspire to buy or sell human beings, which is called "slavery". Of course many children grow up seeing this as part of their culture, so they may think it's normal when they grow up. However a self-aware human being would eventually be able to realize that the "slaves" around them are human people, just like themselves, and after this realization, they are making a conscious choice to participate or not).

Typical "devaluation", however, is done more within the parameters of social interaction and relationships, especially in Western cultures and other Free countries, although human trafficking does occur in those cultures to a disturbing degree, kept "under wraps".

Devaluing another human being whom one is in a personal relationship with, or whom one knows personally, is a symptom of some sort of mental illness or personality disorder. Not only because of the practice of viewing a human being as an object that can be "valued" or "devalued", but also because of the perception problem that goes with the act of devaluation: "Black and White Thinking".

The person is seeing people and the world in "black and white" terms, without the ability to deal with or comprehend anything in between. Something is either "Right" or "Wrong", or "Good" or "Bad", and so are PEOPLE in their minds.
~They are not able to deal with variables, changing circumstances, or human personalities, emotions, needs, or with interaction with others that does not go as they expect or want.
~They may not be able to deal with the fact that stereotypes are not real, and may actually see a person who doesn't fulfill the stereotype that they LOOK LIKE as being "wrong" or "bad" (like a male hairdresser, kindergarten teacher, nurse, or botanist, or a female engineer, carpenter, politician, or boxer).
~They may not understand that there is more information that they don't know about, and they may not be able to fathom that they might not comprehend what they see or hear.

They don't understand VARIABLES, OR the fact that OTHER people besides themselves have real lives, real emotions like them, real life experiences including traumas, real needs like they do, deserve the same respect and UNDERSTANDING as they do or anyone else does as a human being, and are just as important as they are, or as anyone else. (What kind of illness or disorder they may have would need to be determined via an extensive evaluation; it could be a serious condition requiring lifetime treatment, or it could be an effect of something else less permanent and more prone to healing such as trauma or developmental delay.)

They tend to want people to be either ONE THING or THE OTHER: that is,
"Perfect" or "Defective",
"Righteous" or "Unclean",
"All Knowing Experts" or "Completely Clueless",
"Important" or "Insignificant",
"Right" or "Wrong",
"Genius" or "Stupid/Ignorant",
"Worldly-Street Wise" or "Sheltered/Ignorant",
"Clever" or "Slow"
"Superior" or "Inferior"
"Beautiful" or "Unattractive"
"Strong" or "Weak".
"Completely Sane" or "Unstable/Crazy"
"Enlightened" or "Utterly 'asleep'"
"Good" or "Bad"
"Morally Good" or "A Bad Person"
"Fully Aware" or "Completely Unaware"
"Positive" or "Negative"
"A Happy Person" or "A Whiny Person"

They also tend to categorize themselves in the POSITIVE category, in other words they would always be one of the "Enlightened" people but not one of the "Asleep" people, or one of the "Righteous" people but not one of the "Unclean" people.

(The only time they would switch from being the "best" to the "worst" is when they think it will make them look cool, or get them out of some kind of blame.)

Those who devalue others will treat a person one day as if they are for all the world a good friend, or their great love, or a respected coworker or boss, or a beloved family member, or a client or patient whom they care about and respect, or as if they care for, like, and admire them.
Then for some reason often completely unknown to the targeted person, or something they did see but could not have expected such a severe reaction having to do with the devaluers inner world; emotional issues, past, or ego. Or in the case of a person with Narcissism for example, he or she may simply "discard" a person because they don't find them "useful" anymore, in the way one would throw away a jar of jelly when there is no jelly left.

Those who devalue others see the world in "black and white", so the people they interact with are either useful or not useful; "good" or "bad"; "great" or "inferior", "winners" or "losers", etc. When they are valuing a person as useful, good, great, or a winner, they tend to treat them with some measure of respect or even care; when they have any ill feelings toward the person, or just a lack of interest or admiration, they devalue the person, so the "good person" becomes a "bad person" overnight in their mind.

Many have also learned to USE this behavior as a way to control and manipulate others, because of the way people tend to REACT to being devalued and discarded. Most people become confused, hurt, upset, and suffer feelings of loss, grief, and abandonment when abruptly turned on in such a cold or vicious way. Since it's almost always about nothing terrible that the target has done, and in fact it's more often the case that the target was standing up for themselves, this sends the message to the target that it's not SAFE to STAND UP FOR ONE'S SELF, or to even BE one's self, because it will result in being rejected, attacked, and abandoned.

Those who use discarding and rejecting are often seeking a feeling similar to "self-righteousness", where one feels that they are morally above and superior to the targeted person. They are looking for a feeling of vanquishment, vindication, and triumph, which also gives a feeling of being above reproach and above blame. The targeted person PAYS THE PRICE for the person's ardent desire to feel these specific feelings, in order to make themselves feel good, or worthy, or powerful.

This desire can and often does become a compulsion, where a person regularly seeks to devalue and trash or reject others in order to get this "fix" of feeling superior. They may even seek connections and situations with others for this purpose.
It's not at all the same thing as distancing one's self from an abuser or manipulator, and in fact it's usually the other way around: those who devalue others are much more likely to be abusive and manipulative, and targets of abuse and manipulation are much more likely to be targets of devaluation.  

Most people generally fall into one of two categories:
those who DO devalue other people, and those who DO NOT devalue other people.

It's not really something that anyone might do if they're in a bad mood, although it's possible that a person can be "pushed" to do it after dealing with so much disrespect or abuse from others, but even then, they tend not to discard, reject, attack, slander, or shun the person, and see them or treat them as if they're "no good" or as "garbage".
Mostly, a person either DOES IT, or they DON'T.
Those who do it will do it easily, with very little provocation, or with no legitimate reason at all.

It's a matter of one's own larger Point Of View regarding the world, other people, and mostly themselves.
Either one respects life itself, which means they respect themselves and others as living, precious human beings, or they don't.

Those who place "object value" on themselves, as if they are an object that can be valued like gems or metals, (or race cars, or race horses, commodities, or draft animals), will place it on others.

Narcissist Business Tactic: Bullying

Businesses are out there to make money, and people hold jobs in order to make money. But some treat customers and clients with respect and integrity, and others don't. The difference between them can be striking. For instance if you need to call your internet provider company for help, you might get one of these disrespectful folks on the other end of the line; they might talk down to you, put you on hold forever, treat you with disrespect, have no idea what they're talking about, refuse to ask someone else what to do, give you wrong instructions, try to blame you for equipment failure, etc., making your phone call stressful and unproductive, and you might even give up and deal with having no internet for the rest of the day or week, or want to change companies.
But if someone else had answered your call, it would have been taken care of in a short amount of time, with little or no stress.

Typically, the quality of the service a customer receives will be severely affected by this difference. Individuals and businesses who treat customers and clients with respect and integrity usually do a much better job overall, giving the service or product that they advertise.

Those who do not respect customers are another story. Their main goals are not to provide service, care, or product to their best of their ability to others whom they think of as real people like themselves, but to get money however they can, as easily as they can, or to get or keep attention, recognition, and control.  

Bully tactics are common with people whose only motive for doing business or working is getting money, because they want to do as little work as possible, and get the most gain for as little effort as possible.

They may feign courtesy, manners, or customer care to a client's face, but make fun of them behind their back, fake service, fake repairs, fake the job that they're being paid to do, or purposely do it "half-ass".

Their product or service might be completely made-up, but they haven't been caught yet, or there is no easy way to "catch" them because of the nature of the "service" or product, or the way it's marketed; for example services that are presented as "preventative" may be real, or may be utterly fake; one must use their own judgment. 

They may habitually cover up their lack of knowledge and skill with double-talk or loud talking, or using words that make them sound knowledgeable. (I've known and worked with several in the building trades who have made it a habit of saying words, terms, tool names and brands, techniques, etc. in order to sound like they know how to USE or DO those things, but in reality have no idea; they are masters of avoidance and malarky.)    

They may talk over and interrupt a customer or client who is trying to get more information, or clarify a bill or a contract.

They may flat out lie to a customer, taking the chance that the customer does not know any better, or did not keep records.

They may "cut corners" and try to get out of doing the whole job, or doing it properly.

They may charge much, much more than the product or service is worth, hoping the client won't know any different.

They may have one business just to cover up another business that's not legal, so they're not really interested or invested in the legal one, or their customers; they may be faking anything or everything in the legal one. 

They may condescend to a customer or client, treating them like they're ignorant or stupid, which can work to send the message that they are an "authority", and that the customer is subordinate to them and should submit to their superior status. (And stop making requests or asking questions.)
People fall for this one all the time, especially with jobs and fields that the customer is not an expert in or has not worked in.

They may block a customer's questions or requests by ignoring them, referring them to someone else (who refers them to someone else), changing the subject, talking over them, putting them on hold, not returning calls, not answering calls, making themselves difficult to communicate with, making themselves unavailable. 

They may try to make the relationship with a customer or client too personal, crossing appropriate boundaries, in order to use personal bully or coercion tactics on them:
giving unsolicited advice;
implying inferiority in the client, incompetence, mental instability, weakness, or self-centeredness;
manufacturing crises;
trying to provoke guilt or sympathy from the customer in order to get them to do things for them;
trying to create a too-personal or even romantic connection with a client;
asking the client very personal information that's not a "norm" in the local community culture;

triangulation (with others);
using language that's disrespectful or demeaning;
implying threats, usually in a masked way
implying threats or "dominance" in a passive-aggressive display (acting 'tough' or 'hostile', cursing, making noise on purpose, refusing to use manners or follow etiquette or rules, etc.)
(These behaviors can be seen in most relationships with a person who has Control issues or Narcissism.)

It's nearly impossible to avoid these types of folks, but one can simply raise their awareness about the fact that they do exist, and there are a lot of them in various fields, businesses, and job positions. Customers are paying for a product or service, and are real people who deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect, period.

Obviously an abusive customer who treats someone they've hired badly does not deserve to be catered to, allowed to walk all over other people just because they're paying them for something. But that's not what we're talking about here, we're talking about those who bully and disrespect clients and customers who behave with normal, decent civility.