Codependency is not a rare occurrence in the human species, and it's definitely not limited to family members of Alcoholics or drug users.
When one has a person in their life who has both Codependency enmeshment and Narcissism, one can end up living in a vortex, a virtual cauldron of control, emotional reaction, demands, assumptions, shame, and passive-aggressive behavior.
"If you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you" is a classic control/shame line that's been repeated in comedy acts for a long time. But when the person in your life is steeped in both Codependency and Narcissism (not as rare as you might think), then that line will probably not even be SPOKEN, it will be ACTED OUT.
You will suddenly feel like you were hit with some kind of invisible and deafeningly silent ICE STORM, or you will be subjected to enduring a HURRICANE of hostility displays, similar to a Chimpanzee who's trying to display "power"; sometimes it's BOTH.
But you won't know WHY.
Sometimes the only way you find out that the person is "mad at you" is when you realize they've "RETALIATED" against you in some sneaky or terrible way.
Sometimes the only indication that they've "retaliated" that you get is a weird display of sudden COLDNESS from other people around you (because the Narcissist has slandered you, and the people allowed them to), or you're overcome with a strange feeling of confusion when you suddenly can't find your possessions, things seem to be going terribly wrong for no reason, or your things suddenly seem to be "broken" or not working properly (because the Narcissist has sabotaged or gaslighted you). Perhaps the Narcissist is just nowhere to be found, or has stood you up, or has made sure you were EXCLUDED from a family gathering or ceremony, or a celebration, or some social event.
Did you actually do something "WRONG"??
Who knows!?
Narcissists go completely by their FEELINGS, all the time; they don't double-check their feelings with actual EVENTS, nor do they communicate with others, nor do they doubt for one minute that ALL of their feelings are completely accurate representations of REALITY.
If a person with Narcissism FEELS "offended", "abandoned", "betrayed", "disrespected", or "insulted", then they ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE IT TO BE SO, and the next thing that happens is that they will BLAME SOMEONE for it.
When they've targeted a person for this blame, the next thing they will do is "PUNISH" them for whatever it is they feel.
It would require HUMILITY to double-check their feelings with reality, which Narcissists don't have.
It would require RESPECT for others to communicate with another person in order to gather more information about what apparently happened, which Narcissists don't have.
It would require RESPECT for others, TRUE SELF-CONFIDENCE, and HUMILITY not to make sweeping assumptions, snap judgments, shaming judgments, or initiate or believe gossip and slander; Narcissists lack all three.
And it would require EMPATHY to refrain from trying to cause another person to "suffer" in "retaliation", which Narcissists don't have.
Combine this Narcissism with Codependency enmeshment, and you have a Narcissist who is continuously feeling abandoned, rejected, insulted, and disrespected, regardless of REALITY, and therefore constantly "PUNISHING" others with whatever controls and retaliations cross their mind, with no remorse and no regard for the damage and pain they cause.
This combination means they feel entitled to force "care" on another person, whom they don't actually care about or respect. They often give "advice" and pontificate at their target in order to satisfy their own desire to feel in control, and like they're a "caregiver". This person will give condescending "advice" to a Brain Surgeon about how important it is to get good grades in college, or about how one must pay attention to their hygiene if they want to ever be in the medical field. This person will become very angry at the object of their "caregiving" when the person does not accept their forced "care", "advice", control, or criticism. (They will call criticism "constructive criticism" in order to get away with it.)
This person may physically try to "herd" another person to go here or there,
~block them from leaving a place or a room;
~physically try to control and manipulate another person's movements (take them by the hand, arm, shoulder, waist, neck~ and "lead", "push", or drag them),
~"TAKE OVER" the work, task, or project another person is doing, often literally taking it out of their hands;
~approach others, even total strangers, and try to "take over" what they're doing, forcing their "assistance" on them, as if the person is extremely weak, fragile, clumsy, or stupid and desperately needs their help...
~feel completely entitled to speak to others with unbridled condescension, as if they are clueless, or a very young child,
~speak to another person with SHAMING condescension (often disguised as "advice"), as if they are SCOLDING a young child for teasing a hornet's nest; and apparently feel perfectly entitled to do so.
When one has a person in their life who has both Codependency enmeshment and Narcissism, one can end up living in a vortex, a virtual cauldron of control, emotional reaction, demands, assumptions, shame, and passive-aggressive behavior.
"If you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you" is a classic control/shame line that's been repeated in comedy acts for a long time. But when the person in your life is steeped in both Codependency and Narcissism (not as rare as you might think), then that line will probably not even be SPOKEN, it will be ACTED OUT.
You will suddenly feel like you were hit with some kind of invisible and deafeningly silent ICE STORM, or you will be subjected to enduring a HURRICANE of hostility displays, similar to a Chimpanzee who's trying to display "power"; sometimes it's BOTH.
But you won't know WHY.
Sometimes the only way you find out that the person is "mad at you" is when you realize they've "RETALIATED" against you in some sneaky or terrible way.
Sometimes the only indication that they've "retaliated" that you get is a weird display of sudden COLDNESS from other people around you (because the Narcissist has slandered you, and the people allowed them to), or you're overcome with a strange feeling of confusion when you suddenly can't find your possessions, things seem to be going terribly wrong for no reason, or your things suddenly seem to be "broken" or not working properly (because the Narcissist has sabotaged or gaslighted you). Perhaps the Narcissist is just nowhere to be found, or has stood you up, or has made sure you were EXCLUDED from a family gathering or ceremony, or a celebration, or some social event.
Did you actually do something "WRONG"??
Who knows!?
Narcissists go completely by their FEELINGS, all the time; they don't double-check their feelings with actual EVENTS, nor do they communicate with others, nor do they doubt for one minute that ALL of their feelings are completely accurate representations of REALITY.
If a person with Narcissism FEELS "offended", "abandoned", "betrayed", "disrespected", or "insulted", then they ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE IT TO BE SO, and the next thing that happens is that they will BLAME SOMEONE for it.
When they've targeted a person for this blame, the next thing they will do is "PUNISH" them for whatever it is they feel.
It would require HUMILITY to double-check their feelings with reality, which Narcissists don't have.
It would require RESPECT for others to communicate with another person in order to gather more information about what apparently happened, which Narcissists don't have.
It would require RESPECT for others, TRUE SELF-CONFIDENCE, and HUMILITY not to make sweeping assumptions, snap judgments, shaming judgments, or initiate or believe gossip and slander; Narcissists lack all three.
And it would require EMPATHY to refrain from trying to cause another person to "suffer" in "retaliation", which Narcissists don't have.
Combine this Narcissism with Codependency enmeshment, and you have a Narcissist who is continuously feeling abandoned, rejected, insulted, and disrespected, regardless of REALITY, and therefore constantly "PUNISHING" others with whatever controls and retaliations cross their mind, with no remorse and no regard for the damage and pain they cause.
This combination means they feel entitled to force "care" on another person, whom they don't actually care about or respect. They often give "advice" and pontificate at their target in order to satisfy their own desire to feel in control, and like they're a "caregiver". This person will give condescending "advice" to a Brain Surgeon about how important it is to get good grades in college, or about how one must pay attention to their hygiene if they want to ever be in the medical field. This person will become very angry at the object of their "caregiving" when the person does not accept their forced "care", "advice", control, or criticism. (They will call criticism "constructive criticism" in order to get away with it.)
This person may physically try to "herd" another person to go here or there,
~block them from leaving a place or a room;
~physically try to control and manipulate another person's movements (take them by the hand, arm, shoulder, waist, neck~ and "lead", "push", or drag them),
~"TAKE OVER" the work, task, or project another person is doing, often literally taking it out of their hands;
~approach others, even total strangers, and try to "take over" what they're doing, forcing their "assistance" on them, as if the person is extremely weak, fragile, clumsy, or stupid and desperately needs their help...
~feel completely entitled to speak to others with unbridled condescension, as if they are clueless, or a very young child,
~speak to another person with SHAMING condescension (often disguised as "advice"), as if they are SCOLDING a young child for teasing a hornet's nest; and apparently feel perfectly entitled to do so.
