You Should Express The Feelings I Want You To Express, Not Your Own Real Ones, Little Girl...

You Should Smile More! ...

"I’ve always found it really curious that most men, when confronted about this, will fall back on claiming that they just wanted to compliment her. They don’t see that trying to make someone smile is an attempt to control her. And while they usually deny any sexual component to their actions, I can’t help but notice how much more often it happens to women that these guys find attractive. If the frequency and tone of your compliments correlates with how attractive you think someone is, you don’t get to pretend that there’s nothing sexual about your motivations, whether you actually want to have sex with her or not. Expecting women you think are attractive to perform femininity for you is one of the many sexist microagressions that reinforce gender inequities. Stop it. You’re making the world a worse place."

Charlie Glickman talks about the difficulty many men have with managing their own emotions, and the expectation that women will do it for them.

Competing For The "Good Person" Badge

When we think of being a "good person", we tend to imagine that everyone holds about the same picture 

of what that means in their

 imaginations. 

But the truth is, every one of us holds a
 unique mental image
  of what being a "good person" looks and sounds like. 

Most of us do share a few basic opinions and expectations about it. 

But if every person were to write their own list, in order, of all  the things that make a 
"good person",

without peeking at the lists of others, 

every person would have written down a unique list of 

traits, behaviors, and beliefs. 

Certainly many things on those lists might be the same, 

but that's not the same thing as being 

identical.

So... who's list would be the right list?

Mine?

Yours?

My grandmother's?

Your cousin's?

The minister at the Baptist Church,

or the priest at the Catholic Church,

or the pastor at the Lutheran Church?

Do we really believe that our own list, 

(or any other human's), 

would be the same as God's?

Or even that our list would be identical

to someone else's, 

living or dead,

human or not,

whom we admire or look up to?  

What about the Tibetan monks who live in the next town, is one of theirs the right list?

How about the person with the most sobriety time at the local AA? They're a good candidate.

What about the first grade teacher down the street, or the baseball coach on the other block?

How about the cleaning staff at the local hospital?

What about the nurses there?

The doctors?

How about the President of the US? 

The Prime Minister of another country?

If everyone's list is unique,

(when they don't peek at the lists of others), 

(and they would be), 

then which person gets the "BEST GOOD PERSON" Award?

 

Are we still in the running for the award if we resent other people, envy them, or judge them critically?

 



Perhaps, there is a lesson there for each of us.

And what lesson would that be?

 It would be for each of us to figure out for ourselves.

Important People

You are one of the capable people.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who's observations are worthy.
So am I.

You are one of the people who matter.
So am I.

Your plans are in the "important plans" category.
So are mine.

You are one of the people who is capable of expertise.
So am I.

You are one of the people who is experienced and knowledgeable.
So am I.

You are one of the people who learns whatever skill you actually focus on.
So am I.

You are one of the people who's talent is a gift to the world.
So am I.

You are one of those people who others want around.
So am I.

You are one of the people who's self-care is very important.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who deserves to be treated with fairness and justice.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who has natural spirituality.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who is capable of separating your emotional reactions from your behavior and actions.
And so am I.

You are one of the people who has strength of spirit, of heart, and of mind.
And so am I.

I am one of the people who gets on other people's nerves sometimes, not because I treat them poorly or ignore common courtesy and respect toward them, but because I'm more focused on living my real life than on fitting in... which is perfectly normal and healthy "human".
Most likely, so are you.

I am one of the people who makes mistakes, and who has the right and privilege of making mistakes, owning them, laughing about them or not, and learning from them.

~Who forgets things, and has the right and privilege of allowing for and openly viewing my mistakes and imperfections, because I'm an organic, living human person, not a robot.
~Who can't see every possible future outcome, because it's not possible for a human, and therefore can not make the actual "best decision" or "perfect choice"; there will always, always be consequence to any decision or choice I make, and every decision, including refusing to make a decision, leads to something else that's unforeseeable, for good or for ill; usually both.

I am one of those people, and so are you.


I am one of those people who has the ability to cause pain, sadness, heartbreak, frustration, and anxiety for others, whether I intend to or not; I am one of the people with that kind of 'power'.
I have the right and privilege to feel guilt or remorse, for intended or unintended hurts toward others.
I have the right and freedom to recognize and admit hurts I have caused toward others, to apologize, to make amends. 

I am one of those people, and so are you.


I am one of those people who has the privilege to stand up for themselves when someone else is behaving unfairly, inconsiderately, or with hostility toward me.

And so are you.


I am one of those people who has the right and privilege to privacy, to autonomy, to make my own decisions and choices, and to live my own, authentic life.

And so are you.

My emotions are all real and valid, and my opinions and preferences are my own, and not subject to anyone else's control or dictation.

And so are yours.

I am one of the people who is capable of seeing things from several points of view.

And so are you.

I am one of the people who has lived through chaos, trauma, abuse and injustice, and has survived to tell about it, and will keep on surviving, learning and learning about myself and the world around me, learning and learning about how to LIVE and FIND PEACE and JOY in a world that's filled with unequal amounts of ridiculous, unnecessary ugliness from my own species, and spectacular, incredible beauty both from my own species and the rest of all there is.

I am one of those people who has learned and is still learning that there is much more beauty in this world than ugliness, it's all around me and within me, all of the time.
I am one of those people who has learned and is still learning to remember that I have full access to to that eternal, ever-present beauty, all of the time, no matter what else is happening. 

And so are you.

~<3 p="">


~M.Black 2014





 

Negative Feedback Loop: Narcissistic Abuse

A negative feedback-loop is created when one is in any kind of relationship with a person who has narcissism. The feedback they give to a target is not reflective of what the target is actually doing and saying, nor is it reflective of the target's real character or person, nor of the target's real life. Feedback from a person with narcissism is often skewed in the negative, or they may purposely withhold feedback that would be considered normal.

So if a target was building a brick wall, the narcissist would not simply acknowledge it like a non-narc. would. They wouldn't say "Hey Sarah nice job on that wall. You look like you could use some iced tea!"

Instead, they might imply that the wall isn't plumb, or they might give Sarah "advice" (about anything at all that they can think of, from the way she's wearing her hair, to the kind of gloves she has on, to the brand of mortar, to the way she's mixing it, to a better way to lay the bricks).

They might imply that the project is silly, or in the wrong spot, or is going to get in the way of something else.

They might give "back-handed compliments", in order to get away with saying that they are shocked that 'weak, ignorant, lazy' Sarah could "pull off such a feat".

They might imply that Sarah isn't working fast enough (a favorite go-to insult; they may think it makes them sound grown-up  or more responsible or skilled compared to the target.)

They will probably bring up their uncle, cousin, friend from third grade, neighbor, or sister who's an "EXPERT MASON"... (implying that Sarah falls short of "expert" or "skilled", and that the person they're associating themselves with is much more experienced... regardless of the reality of either the other person's experience or Sarah's. An N. would do that regardless of Sarah's level of expertise, because reality is not a factor for them.).

They might talk down to her as if she's STUCK UP, because "she thinks she's so great", because she's doing something that they don't do, or don't know how to do.

They might keep interrupting her, again behaving as if she's lounging by the pool, trying to get her to perform other tasks.

Some N's would even physically sabotage the work, or try to push her out of the way in order to "prove" that they can do it better.

They might spread negative rumors that they simply make up,  having to do with Sarah building the wall.

Some N's might behave as if there IS NO WALL, and that Sarah is NOT in the middle of building a wall, and speak to her as if she's sitting with a drink by the pool (lazing around).

But what a person with Narcissism probably WON'T do is speak to Sarah in an accurate feedback exchange, which might sound something like the aforementioned phrasing, or maybe "Hey looks good! You want something to drink? If you need anything let me know!" (or even light banter, like "if you need anything, I'll be lounging by the pool..." would be nice, pleasant feedback.)

If Sarah asked them to count how many bags of mortar are left, they might purposely LIE, or just glance at the bags and give her a number. (Inaccurate feedback).
If Sarah asked them to hold the level, they might tip it just a little so it looks like the wall isn't straight.
If Sarah asked them what time the hardware store closes, they might make something up, but they probably would not give her the right time, UNLESS they were arguing with her about what time it closes.
If she asked them what they thought of the wall, they would probably NOT give her a straight, honest answer, they would probably criticize and make it negative, regardless of how good it actually looked. 

Neutral, accurate, respectful, and genuinely positive feedback is a rarity for a Narcissist.
Even if they do achieve it, they'll often get some kind of criticism, advice, or control comment in there right afterward. 

It doesn't have to take prolonged exposure to this negative feedback loop to cause confusion and other issues that affect a target's mental and emotional health, it can cause problems such as anxiety pretty quickly.

Can't Handle The Truth: Expectations, Disappointment, And Narcissism

When something or someone does not align with their expectations, people are often either surprised or disappointed, but get over their emotional reaction pretty quickly because they have awareness about their own expectations and preferences being their OWN, coming from themselves. They know that if their expectations and assumptions weren't met, that THEY were simply incorrect, that they thought "wrong", that they assumed incorrectly.
For example one walks into a restaurant that looked like a "dive", a cheap place to get a mediocre pizza, and finds out that it's actually a great restaurant with a wonderful menu, excellent prices, and fantastic food. A person with healthy self-awareness would be surprised that their assumptions about the restaurant were "off", but they would not "BLAME" the RESTAURANT for the "discrepancy", they would simply think "Oh, not what I thought!"

Or when one person meets another person, we tend to assess and assume WAY too much about others with way too little information, but we're aware of that human tendency, and we know we're going to find out more and different things about a person than we had pigeonholed them as, every single time. So we don't take our assumptions too seriously; we wait and see what a person is really like, and we simply go "Oh I was wrong about that" to ourselves when we find out more about them.

Narcissists, on the other hand, have a very hard time with UNMATCHED expectations and assumptions.

A person with Narcissism really seeks control over his or her environment in order to feel either safe, or safe to "walk over" other people, depending on the individual N. So they make very large assumptions about other people, places, situations, future events, and objects, and EXPECT those assumptions to be correct. When those assumptions turn out to be incorrect, the N. can become very upset, agitated, even go into a rage. OR, the N. will simply IGNORE the discrepancies and differences between their assumption and reality, and just keep behaving as if everything they had assumed was true.

To put it bluntly; if a Narcissist meets a person and they assume the person is stupid, ignorant, or inexperienced because of the way they look, the Narcissist will most likely keep treating the person according to their original assessment even after it comes to light that the person won a Nobel Prize, or has a super-high IQ, or is an expert in the field that the Narcissist assumed them to be inexperienced in.
AND/OR, the N. will decide to DISLIKE the person, even despise them, literally because they didn't LINE UP with the expectations and assumptions of the N.

Because, it's a Narcissistic Injury.

That person was "supposed to be" STUPID (or lazy, irresponsible, unstable), and so when they turn out NOT to be stupid (or lazy, irresponsible or unstable), they are insulting the N's ego.

They made the Narcissist BE WRONG.