Because
of the heavy use of shame and fear they witnessed or experienced in
their childhoods, many people will see that in others where it doesn't
exist.
If, for example, the "silent treatment" was often used in their family, either against them or against someone else, they can believe its something that EVERYONE does. If other families around them did it too, their belief that it's "just what everyone does" can be reinforced tremendously. So if you don't get back to them because you were busy or could not for some reason, they can assume you were giving them the silent treatment, even if you've never done that once in your life. They won't think to ask you if that's what you were doing, they will assume you were, and believe the assumption, and then probably be angry with you about it.
This lack of communication goes hand in hand with heavy shame and fear environments. Everything is tinged with emotional reaction, everything everyone does is under scrutiny and suspect, everyone wants the actions of others to be something "bad". They can even get a feeling of power when they suspect someone is doing something "bad", because it makes them feel like one of the "good people", and in heavy shame and fear environments, being one of the "good people" is very important, because it takes one out of the line of fire (shame and fear) for the time being.
No one in the group realizes how dramatic it all is because they don't know what it's like to live without heavy drama and control.
Whatever we grew up with, we all think "everyone does that" or "everyone is like that", until we FIND OUT differently. Those who have never lived or worked outside of the region where they grew up are more susceptible to this belief habit, for obvious reasons. If they grew up around ancestry and family, even more so. If everyone chews their food with their mouths hanging open in the area, those who grew up around that will think it's perfectly "normal" and not bad manners. The couple of people in the area who chew with their mouths closed are the ones who will be called "weird" by everyone else, and will not be taken seriously. And so it is with everything else.
Whatever we grew up with in the family or the region, we think is "normal", and is how "everyone is", UNTIL we find out differently, so we don't question it. We often even defend it~ "What do you mean chewing with your mouth open is bad manners?! That's a pompous thing to say, we ALL do that! Who chews with their mouths closed, the Royal Family?"
Or, "Who communicates like that? I shouldn't have to find out what my wife means when she talks, she should say it right the first time!"
Whatever communication skills or life skills we are taught when we grow up, that's all we have. If we aren't open to learning more skills, better ways of relating and communicating, and be open to new information and other points of view, we will just be the same as we were in childhood till the day we die, unfortunately.
Those who close their lives and their minds up around themselves like a box, and defend it as "the way it is", can not grow anymore, like a plant stuck inside a closed terrarium. They stunt themselves in order to protect themselves from having to learn anything new. Those who open the box can keep growing and learning with a limitless potential, they have no ceiling.
If, for example, the "silent treatment" was often used in their family, either against them or against someone else, they can believe its something that EVERYONE does. If other families around them did it too, their belief that it's "just what everyone does" can be reinforced tremendously. So if you don't get back to them because you were busy or could not for some reason, they can assume you were giving them the silent treatment, even if you've never done that once in your life. They won't think to ask you if that's what you were doing, they will assume you were, and believe the assumption, and then probably be angry with you about it.
This lack of communication goes hand in hand with heavy shame and fear environments. Everything is tinged with emotional reaction, everything everyone does is under scrutiny and suspect, everyone wants the actions of others to be something "bad". They can even get a feeling of power when they suspect someone is doing something "bad", because it makes them feel like one of the "good people", and in heavy shame and fear environments, being one of the "good people" is very important, because it takes one out of the line of fire (shame and fear) for the time being.
No one in the group realizes how dramatic it all is because they don't know what it's like to live without heavy drama and control.
Whatever we grew up with, we all think "everyone does that" or "everyone is like that", until we FIND OUT differently. Those who have never lived or worked outside of the region where they grew up are more susceptible to this belief habit, for obvious reasons. If they grew up around ancestry and family, even more so. If everyone chews their food with their mouths hanging open in the area, those who grew up around that will think it's perfectly "normal" and not bad manners. The couple of people in the area who chew with their mouths closed are the ones who will be called "weird" by everyone else, and will not be taken seriously. And so it is with everything else.
Whatever we grew up with in the family or the region, we think is "normal", and is how "everyone is", UNTIL we find out differently, so we don't question it. We often even defend it~ "What do you mean chewing with your mouth open is bad manners?! That's a pompous thing to say, we ALL do that! Who chews with their mouths closed, the Royal Family?"
Or, "Who communicates like that? I shouldn't have to find out what my wife means when she talks, she should say it right the first time!"
Whatever communication skills or life skills we are taught when we grow up, that's all we have. If we aren't open to learning more skills, better ways of relating and communicating, and be open to new information and other points of view, we will just be the same as we were in childhood till the day we die, unfortunately.
Those who close their lives and their minds up around themselves like a box, and defend it as "the way it is", can not grow anymore, like a plant stuck inside a closed terrarium. They stunt themselves in order to protect themselves from having to learn anything new. Those who open the box can keep growing and learning with a limitless potential, they have no ceiling.
