Envy,
resentment, and domination are all about identity, and desiring control
over another person and things the person has or seems to have.
~
The person who wants their identity to be "Look How Tough I Am" is not
going to feel resentment, challenge, or envy toward a person who doesn't
look "tough" to them. He or she WILL most likely envy and resent
someone who appears confident or "tough", and who they think OTHER
people might see as "tough". They will also often look for signs that
someone else "thinks they're tough", and try to "knock them off their
high horse" (whether the person actually "thinks they're tough" or NOT
is irrelevant; it's not about the other person, it's about themselves.)
~
It is the same with anything else one identifies one's self AS; for
example the person who wants to be seen as "very good looking" is going
to notice and focus on another person whom they think is good-looking,
not because the other person is a "bad person", but because their "good
looks" threatens the envious person's identity/ego.
~
If a
person does NOT identify themselves AS something such as "Tougher
than...", "Stronger than...", "Better Looking than...", "Smarter
than...", "More Experienced than...", "More Knowledgeable than...",
"More Responsible than...", "More Accomplished than....", then they will
not feel CHALLENGED, resentful, spiteful, or envious toward others for
apparent personal attributes, and in fact may not even NOTICE such
attributes about another person.
~
The person who wants to be
seen as "Tough" is the one who won't get counseling for past trauma or
current problems because the identity of "Tough" has been used as a
shield against further bullying and trauma, and they're afraid to put it
down. And since they feel that they NEED this identity to protect
themselves from attackers or from humiliation, and also to receive
positive treatment from others, they will often feel threatened and
challenged by a person who seems equally or more "Tough" naturally. This
identity is a coping and survival tool in their minds, so there is a
fear of being compared to another person and found to be LESS "tough".
They may act out, puffing themselves up, retaliating, "acting tough",
making a show of behavioral displays such as noises, facial expressions,
body language, slamming things (doors, footsteps, equipment), vocal
tones, words, and loudness, gestures, whatever they've seen and heard
others use, or whatever seems to "work" on others (or has in the past).
If a display doesn't seem to work on someone, they may even become resentful or angry about THAT.
~~If they weren't using "Tough" as an identity, they would not be
focused on whether others are "tough" or not, or who's "tougher" than
whom. It wouldn't be in their normal thought process, just like a person
who was raised in the Amazon doesn't think about SNOW when the sky
turns grey.
~
A person who wants to be seen as "Good Looking" is
also usually trying to "put on" an identity for similar reasons as the
"Tough One". To protect themselves from humiliation and attack, and to
receive positive treatment from others. So if someone else is around who
might be seen by others as equally or MORE "Good Looking", then they
feel immediately threatened, because they fear the positive attention
they're getting might go to the OTHER person instead. Of course this
would only happen if the others around them were narcissistic and
non-trustworthy anyway, however that IS the very environment that
usually compels a person to develop such identity issues as survival
mechanisms.
~
A person who wants to be identified as "Feminine"
or "Masculine" will feel resentful and threatened by anyone who appears
to be more feminine or masculine than them; a person who wants to be
seen as the "Best Dog Trainer" will feel threatened by someone who dogs
seem to respond to; a person who wants to be seen as "Very Responsible"
will be threatened by a person who appears very responsible; a person
who wants to be seen as "Naturally Very Gifted" in something will feel
threatened by someone who appears to be naturally gifted in similar
things, etc., etc. Again, this is usually CAUSED by an atmosphere where
the person was not valued as a person, and not given accurate or
positive feedback about their own true natural abilities or
accomplishments.
~
Adults who pit children and others against
each other for their own insecurity, agenda and ego purposes often
create such atmospheres very quickly. For example when a young girl
realizes that the men in her family or at school are paying much more
positive attention to females whom they find physically attractive can
easily develop appearance-identity issues, as will the young boy in a
similar environment.
When people, especially adults, frequently give
positive attention to certain children and adults because of
SUPERFICIAL, petty, and favoritism reasons, and dismiss and IGNORE
children and adults who don't seem to "measure up" to these petty
requirements (such as looks, gender, popularity, body size, ancestry,
etc.), it is NOTICED and felt by nearly all of the youth in the area,
and identity coping mechanisms are often quickly developed. So for a
concrete example: the teachers all treat Jeffrey the basketball star
like they very much like and respect him, even though his behavior
toward other kids is arrogant and mean, his grades suffer, and he
"parties"; but they treat Joseph the boy who gets decent grades and is
an excellent artist, who treats others very well, and who takes care of
his autistic cousin like he's invisible. They treat Sharon the girl
who's been on the Honor Roll since first grade, who rescues animals, and
who volunteers at the Nursing Home like she's less worthy than both
Jeffery AND Joseph.
All three of them are witness to the disparity
in the way the adults are treating them, and all three of them are
affected negatively, because the feedback from the adults is NOT
accurate; it's NOT about WHO THE KIDS ARE and what they DO, it's about
the egos and comfort of the adults. Hence, the atmosphere is ripe for
all three of them to develop identity issues.
~
Adding more
volatility to that same atmosphere such as adults displaying histrionic
behaviors such as shaming, rage, jealousy, envy, adults gossiping,
adults acting abusively, adults using substances, adults displaying
domination behavior, adults doing criminal behaviors, adults displaying
overt sexism and/or racism, adults displaying baseless "rebellion" to
"be cool", and the cauldron fills and churns, creating a swamp that
threatens to drown a young person's real, original "Self", so they
desperately seek some kind of "SHELL" to wear to protect themselves and
emotionally (or literally) survive.
