Taking
everything personally is one of the issues that those with certain
disorders including Narcissism have. They tend to project this onto
others as well, including their children.
Children who grow up in
families where Narcissism and/or Codependence is present are often
confused about how to define "personal" or "non-personal".
~
So
if Susan is angry about something that happened at school, when she
comes home she tries to express that anger in a healthy way (talking
about it in relatively polite language, not directed at those she is
speaking to). However, someone in the home interprets her anger as being
directed at THEM, and so instead of listening to Susan or respecting
her emotions, they try to shut her down, and tell her she's "wrong" or
"bad". They imply that she's overreacting, or that she must have done
something to cause it. They also may talk about Susan being an "angry,
hostile person", or even being "unstable", instead of treating her with
basic respect.
This changes the entire situation from non-personal
to personal; the behavior of the other person at Susan's school is now
somehow SUSAN'S responsibility, and her anger about it is something she
should feel guilty or ashamed about. So now, instead of the person's
behavior being NOT about Susan (which it isn't, in reality), it's turned
into being ALL about Susan, and she is being blamed and shamed for
having and expressing emotion about it. So now, Susan feels
self-conscious about her normal, healthy emotions, and feels responsible
for someone else treating her poorly.
~
The reason for this
invalidation and blame toward Susan has nothing to do with Susan
herself, or for anything she's done. Susan did not come in the house
slamming doors or breaking things, she did not attack anyone verbally or
physically, she didn't kick the dog, she did not get drunk and drive
her car, she didn't do anything at all that would actually be "hostile"
or "aggressive behavior". She simply verbally expressed her natural,
normal anger about something real that happened to her, and tried to
tell the story about the event, of course in an "angry tone", because
that's how humans express emotions.
Whatever we feel influences the
tone and flow of our speech in some way, and that includes everyone
except sociopaths. Some sound "more expressive" and others less so, but
it's healthy and normal to have a "tone", and also a volume change, that
expresses our feelings.
It is NOT the same as "raging", "exploding", or 'displaying aggression and hostility".
~
They can't discern other people's expressions of emotions because they
see everything as being about them, and affecting them directly.
Anything and anyone that is in their world is "personal".
They make
terrible caregivers because they include every patient and client in
their personal circle, and take everything others do and say as a
personal engagement with THEM. So for example, if they were a nurse in a
hospital, they would take it personally and become annoyed or angry if a
patient in a psych. ward "gives them an attitude" (because they have a
certain disorder, trauma, are sad, are upset about something, or are
severely depressed), or if an injury patient in great pain kept calling
them, or a patient was not responding as expected to treatment, or if
they had to clean someone. As parents, when their child is upset, they
take it personally and as a blow to their ego and their "serenity", so
they will discipline/admonish the child for expressing their feelings
(no matter what the emotion is, even fear or pain). If the child doesn't
like certain food, they take it as a personal insult, or as the child
rebelling against them. Anytime the child resists, disagrees, or
displays emotion, they take it as a personal insult and "rebellion"
against them. Anytime the child displays autonomy or initiative, or
doesn't fully comply or submit to them will be taken as an insult, as
aggression, and as "rebellion" against them. Anytime the child displays
affection or admiration for others, they will again take it as an insult
and rebellion against them, and they may resent both the child and the
other person.
~
If a person expressing anger or any other
emotion is someone they see as being "lower status" than themselves,
they feel entitled to "admonish" or "punish" them for their healthy
emotional expressions.
If a person expressing an emotion is someone
they see as "higher status" than themselves, they may still take it
personally, but will most likely "allow" the person to express
themselves, and even take pride in being "understanding" of the person.
~
Micro-judging others, trying to control others with shame, trying to
cast shame for anything and everything others do, say, and express are
common in such families and groups. In order to stay out of the target
range of the micro-judging and shaming, certain members "go along to get
along", and will follow along with gossip, slander, ostracism and
cruelty, eschewing fairness, compassion, respect, or justice, and will
deny it to kingdom come, defending themselves and others who are doing
it.
Blame will always be cast on the person who is the target of the gossip, shaming, ostracism, or abuse.
(If pressed for a reason why a person is being treated poorly and
rejected, there will be given all kinds of character assassinating
descriptions, like "he's self-centered" or "she's lazy" or "he's
unappreciative" or "she's a slut" or "he takes advantage", but no real
events will be given, because usually there aren't any; if events are
given, they will often either be very petty but exaggerated to be
serious (like "she didn't go to the dinner") or they will be from years
ago (when he was 17 he showed up drunk) or it will be something that no
one else gets judged negatively about (she got divorced!) or it will be
blame for something that someone else actually did. The person who is
targeted is usually actually a victim of someone else's abuse, and has
been scapegoated in order to "make it go away". The person may be a
victim of some other trauma or injury, and their symptoms and recovery
were too annoying to deal with for others in the group. Sometimes the
person is just a target of someone's resentment or envy, or refuses to
comply with the control, ego, and egg-shell walking around others in the
group.)
The more families and individuals within a community
who are affected by Narcissism or Codependence there are, the more this
"taking things personally", "status-mongering", "micro-judging",
"self-righteousness", "clique behavior", "domination displays",
"envy-based retaliation" and "blame/responsibility evasion" is evident
in the local community on all levels, and the effect can be exponential.
One person and family affects another, which affects another, and so
on.
