When Codependency turns into Narcissistic control, it's often because the person has taken on the IDENTITY of "The Caregiver" and the "One Who Knows Best". It often occurs in those who were forced to take care of others when they were children themselves, and it also occurs often in those who were raised by a person with this issue; they learn to model the behavior because their role models do it, and no one teaches them otherwise. There is little or no awareness of the dignity and autonomy of others. There is little or no respect for another's right to choose for themselves, for the intelligence of others, or for the CAPABILITY of others. There is little or no respect for DIFFERENCES in others from one's self.
This becomes Narcissism because "Caregiving" is about ONE'S SELF, it is NOT about the person who is being "cared for" or "lead". Their well-being is not the real focus, it's the excuse for the behavior. The Controller wants to be SEEN and KNOWN AS "A Benevolent Caregiver", a "Wise Advisor", a "Benevolent Healer", or as a "Strong, Good Leader". That's what's important to them, so if and when someone either "fails" to recognize their "Leadership" or "Wisdom", or if and when someone refuses to follow them, they suffer Narcissistic Injury, and become infuriated.
From the Codependent Controller's Point Of View:
"Follow my advice, my guidance, and my planning, accept my 'constructive criticism' and my management over you, and further, make sure you show gratitude for all of it, OR ELSE!"
~Because, after all, it's all about how much I care about you...
---
"If you don't completely accept my management and "leadership" over you, if you resist or protest in the least, then I will be deeply offended, and feel rejected, and therefore will feel entitled to retaliate against you. I'll probably insult you immediately, try to humiliate you, and then accuse you of being stubborn, rebellious, lazy, or hostile. If you protest against that, I may fly into a rage, I may become ill, I may become extremely upset and lock myself in my room. I will probably threaten you with all manner of things, from punishments to assault to destroying your reputation, to abandonment, to discarding and ostracism. I might spread terrible rumors about you to anyone who will listen in order to gain sympathy from them, and turn them against you.
```
"If you ever try to do anything that seems like "initiative", "leadership", or "autonomy", I will become annoyed or even angry, and will try to shut you down. I will either dismiss you and whatever you're doing, or I will criticize and counter you. I may sabotage you in various ways, or I might slander you to get others to help me work against you.
~~~
"If you ever do something that would make people listen to you, recognize you, admire you, or like you, then they might not hold me in such high esteem anymore, or give me all of the positive attention and credit. So I will continuously work on convincing you that you are not capable or able to learn, or likeable.
"At the same time I will project an image to others that makes me look wonderful, responsible, and worthy, and makes you look lazy, unstable, self-centered, and a burden on me. But I will do it in a way that sounds like I CARE about you. That is essential to my identity as a "Caregiver" and a "Leader".
~
"The only person that might notice what's going on will be you, because I'll have everyone else smoked and mirrored. But I don't know any other way to get other people's approval and acceptance, and I need that desperately; without it I feel completely worthless and alone.
But I would never tell anyone that, because I'm afraid that it would make me look weak, and then I might get bullied.
(That's actually accurate, bullies attack "vulnerability"; the person probably learned that the hard way, but did not receive guidance in dealing with bullies in a way that's healthy for themselves.)
~
"The only way I will allow you to receive any help, assistance, or care from me, even if you're my child, even if you're my partner, even if you're my "friend", even if you are paying me, is if you allow me to have control over you, and allow me to be The One Who Leads And Advises. You must obey my every command and accept my every advisement, no matter how small or large. AND you must give me large amounts of credit and gratitude for everything I do 'for' you, regardless of whether you wanted it or not, requested it or not, and EVEN IF it was DETRIMENTAL to your life or health."
~
"Never, EVER, resist me, protest against me, question me, doubt me, argue with me, or refuse to accept my advice, criticism, management, or control. Or there WILL BE consequences."
~
~
This Codependency Narcissism behavior is COMMON in dysfunctional societies where adults refuse to COOPERATE and assist respectfully with other adults in raising children; and especially where children are forced to care for other children or for the adults in the household. And also when children were raised by parents who had been forced to be a caregiver to others when they were children.
"Caregiver" as IDENTITY instead of as an action. They're not "giving care", they're BEING "A Caregiver" or "THE Caregiver". Or BEING "The Leader", not actually doing the act of "leading".
Both leading and caregiving absolutely require humility, and respect for those who are being "cared for" or "lead".
M. Black 2013
This becomes Narcissism because "Caregiving" is about ONE'S SELF, it is NOT about the person who is being "cared for" or "lead". Their well-being is not the real focus, it's the excuse for the behavior. The Controller wants to be SEEN and KNOWN AS "A Benevolent Caregiver", a "Wise Advisor", a "Benevolent Healer", or as a "Strong, Good Leader". That's what's important to them, so if and when someone either "fails" to recognize their "Leadership" or "Wisdom", or if and when someone refuses to follow them, they suffer Narcissistic Injury, and become infuriated.
From the Codependent Controller's Point Of View:
"Follow my advice, my guidance, and my planning, accept my 'constructive criticism' and my management over you, and further, make sure you show gratitude for all of it, OR ELSE!"
~Because, after all, it's all about how much I care about you...
---
"If you don't completely accept my management and "leadership" over you, if you resist or protest in the least, then I will be deeply offended, and feel rejected, and therefore will feel entitled to retaliate against you. I'll probably insult you immediately, try to humiliate you, and then accuse you of being stubborn, rebellious, lazy, or hostile. If you protest against that, I may fly into a rage, I may become ill, I may become extremely upset and lock myself in my room. I will probably threaten you with all manner of things, from punishments to assault to destroying your reputation, to abandonment, to discarding and ostracism. I might spread terrible rumors about you to anyone who will listen in order to gain sympathy from them, and turn them against you.
```
"If you ever try to do anything that seems like "initiative", "leadership", or "autonomy", I will become annoyed or even angry, and will try to shut you down. I will either dismiss you and whatever you're doing, or I will criticize and counter you. I may sabotage you in various ways, or I might slander you to get others to help me work against you.
~~~
"If you ever do something that would make people listen to you, recognize you, admire you, or like you, then they might not hold me in such high esteem anymore, or give me all of the positive attention and credit. So I will continuously work on convincing you that you are not capable or able to learn, or likeable.
"At the same time I will project an image to others that makes me look wonderful, responsible, and worthy, and makes you look lazy, unstable, self-centered, and a burden on me. But I will do it in a way that sounds like I CARE about you. That is essential to my identity as a "Caregiver" and a "Leader".
~
"The only person that might notice what's going on will be you, because I'll have everyone else smoked and mirrored. But I don't know any other way to get other people's approval and acceptance, and I need that desperately; without it I feel completely worthless and alone.
But I would never tell anyone that, because I'm afraid that it would make me look weak, and then I might get bullied.
(That's actually accurate, bullies attack "vulnerability"; the person probably learned that the hard way, but did not receive guidance in dealing with bullies in a way that's healthy for themselves.)
~
"The only way I will allow you to receive any help, assistance, or care from me, even if you're my child, even if you're my partner, even if you're my "friend", even if you are paying me, is if you allow me to have control over you, and allow me to be The One Who Leads And Advises. You must obey my every command and accept my every advisement, no matter how small or large. AND you must give me large amounts of credit and gratitude for everything I do 'for' you, regardless of whether you wanted it or not, requested it or not, and EVEN IF it was DETRIMENTAL to your life or health."
~
"Never, EVER, resist me, protest against me, question me, doubt me, argue with me, or refuse to accept my advice, criticism, management, or control. Or there WILL BE consequences."
~
~
This Codependency Narcissism behavior is COMMON in dysfunctional societies where adults refuse to COOPERATE and assist respectfully with other adults in raising children; and especially where children are forced to care for other children or for the adults in the household. And also when children were raised by parents who had been forced to be a caregiver to others when they were children.
"Caregiver" as IDENTITY instead of as an action. They're not "giving care", they're BEING "A Caregiver" or "THE Caregiver". Or BEING "The Leader", not actually doing the act of "leading".
Both leading and caregiving absolutely require humility, and respect for those who are being "cared for" or "lead".
M. Black 2013
