Regarding kindred spirits, parent/child relationships, and romantic partner relationships, a person who is trying to have a relationship with a person with Narcissism can be trying to do something that's not possible, because of the way relationships work.
If you're an artist, and you meet someone who's also an artist, the most obvious thing about your meeting is that you have ART in common. So in a simplified way, that would make you "kindred spirits". You're both artists, you both enjoy making art, you both "get" art, and you both "get" making art.
You are have matching "frequencies"; your vibrations align with one another, so like two notes played on a piano, you'll match tones, or make harmony.
But... if ONE of you is an artist because of an additional reason, such as ego, elitism, being seen as "unique and special" and/or being "number one", then your frequencies WILL NOT align, and you will not be "kindred spirits". You're not making art for he same reasons, and you're not on the same page.
If you are trying to "match frequencies" with someone who is an artist, but their agenda is not just "making art" but being the "Number One Artist", that means they don't want to make art alongside of you, next to you, or with you; their agenda is about being BETTER than you. Competing against you. Beating you. "Winning" against you.
So if you try to match frequencies with someone who is trying to be "Number One", then YOUR agenda would have to match THAT, "trying to be Number One". Which means you can't actually be a kindred-spirit-artist with them, you can only be kindred spirits in COMPETING and trying to "WIN", trying to beat the other one.
Examples of this in the arts are more easily seen because of the nature of the arts-world having "spotlights" everywhere. But it's found anywhere there are humans, and humans with Narcissism.
It's natural and normal for a child to match frequencies with their parent, to be "like Dad" or be "like Mom".
So, what happens when "being like Dad" means being the only person in the house who's capable of driving a car properly?
A child who tries to be like that Dad will try to match that frequency, "I am the only person in the house who's capable of driving a car properly", which puts them at DIRECT ODDS with their father. So now there are TWO people in the house who are competing for the spot of "I am the only person who drives right".
If the Dad's frequency was "I'm a good driver", then that would be something the child could match. They could both feel like they're "good drivers" together.
But if it's "I'm the ONLY good driver", then it's not possible for someone to be a kindred spirit and match that frequency WITH him. They can't BOTH be the "ONLY good driver" in the house. It's automatic competition, and not the healthy kind.
The Dad is setting the child up.
In order to feel "matched" to Dad, which is normal, the child would have to AGREE with the agenda. The child would have to ADAPT the belief that Dad is the "ONLY capable driver" in the house.
That means that the child CAN NOT ALSO believe that Mom is a capable driver, nor that older Brother is a capable driver, nor that older Sister is a capable driver. When the child learns how to drive, in order to stay "matched" to Dad, the child has to believe that he or she ALSO CAN NOT be as capable as Dad at driving.
What happens to the child who is the opposite sex of a parent who's agenda includes being superior because of their sex?
How does that child MATCH the frequency of their parent, "be like them", without developing self-loathing, and developing bias AGAINST the child's own gender?
So Douglas loves his Mom, and wants to be a good, responsible person who is good at her job of being a Pediatrician. Douglas is proud of his Mom and wants to be like her. However, his Mom feels that she is a good Pediatrician because she's female. She feels that she's responsible and nice because she's female, and that males are not naturally good at any of that. So, what happens to Douglas when he keeps trying to match his frequencies to his Mom's, and learn from her, and "be like her"?
In order for him to MATCH with her, he would have to adapt her beliefs about males being naturally less capable, or incapable, of being all the things that SHE IS. So Douglas would have to AGREE that males, like himself, are inferior to females, in order to match with his own Mom.
Gloria's Dad is a horse trainer, and is a kind, upstanding, strong person who everyone seems to respect. Gloria wants to be just like her Dad. However, Gloria's Dad attributes all of his abilities and "good person" traits to being a MAN. So, like Douglas, she tries to match her frequency with her Dad, and be "just like him", but he consistently shuts her out, shuts her down, and humiliates her with bias and rejection. Kind, upstanding, and strong? Not so much... unfortunately for Gloria. Her Dad is not "all that", but she finds out the hard way, by being rejected and scorned by him when she tries to bond with him and learn from him, because of his ego-identity issues.
To take this another step, this is ALSO seen all the time with parents who are biased toward one sex or the other, REGARDLESS of their own sex. So a Mom can be biased toward males, and a Dad can be biased toward females. So in order for their male or female children to match their parents' frequencies, the kids would need to adapt their parent's biases. Those biases would be either FOR or AGAINST themselves, AND their siblings, AND one of their parents, AND every other human being in their life.
This happens all the time in "romantic partnerships" where one person is trying to be a kindred spirit with the other, and match their frequency, but the other person didn't really have that frequency in the first place.
For example, Peggy and John have software programming in common. So John thinks it's so cool to have met someone who understands what he does, and "gets" his point of view and way of thinking. He thinks he's met a kindred spirit; they even program all the same languages. But Peggy's point of view is not the same as John's; she does enjoy programming, but her main agenda is believing herself to be smarter than other people; programming is just one of the things she uses to "prove" that.
John keeps trying to share thoughts, observations, and jokes about programming with Peggy. But time after time, he feels shut down and shut out, because Peggy's reactions to his sharing attempts are often curt, condescending, and even angry.
She is NOT interested in "sharing" being a programmer WITH John, she's interested in being SUPERIOR to John, and to other people. That's her agenda, not a "passion" for programming. She's good at it, so John mistook her skill for passion.
The truth is, John and Peggy have very little in common. They're both skilled at programming, and they both like Kentucky Fried Chicken and Starbuck's coffee, but there's not much more; their "frequencies" don't match, and CAN'T match, because Peggy's agenda is about being "better than" other people.
If you hit a piano key and make an "A" ring out, and then a "C" with it, they sound like a chord, which sounds like harmony, because their frequencies resonate with one another. If you hit two "A" keys, they resonate with one another as the same note, although one is a higher frequency and one is lower. But if you hit an "A", "B flat", and a "B" at once, it doesn't sound nice, it sounds "off", and dissonant. It doesn't match, it doesn't resonate, it doesn't harmonize.
~Also, if you hit an "A", which piano key could you hit to make a "superior" note? If someone is trying to make another note be "superior" to the "A", it's a futile attempt, there are no "superior" or "inferior" notes. They're all valid and real, as one to another. A person who is trying to make one note "superior" to another is probably trying to play one LOUDER than the other, and drown the other out. Which is just "louder", not "superior".
If we take John and Peggy and turn them into a pair of musicians instead of programmers, or a pair of Chefs, a pair of animal rescuers, a pair of magicians, a pair of PARENTS, where one is into the activity itself and has a passion for it, but the other one is using the activity as a way to paint their image and/or be 'superior' to others, it becomes evident why FRICTION and dissonance happens when it looks like there should be flow, cooperation, and harmony.
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This also happens when two people come together but have different agendas about the relationship itself. For example Scott and Susan meet at a friend's party. Susan finds Scott funny and interesting, and intelligent. She's excited that she has found someone with the same dry wit and lively sense of humor, and who also loves similar music, the outdoors, and animals. She thinks she's found a kindred spirit. She and Scott "hit it off", and start dating.
What Susan doesn't know is that Scott's attraction toward her has nothing to do with her sense of humor, her musical taste, her love for animals and the outdoors. Scott's attraction is simply physical, and he also thinks that Susan will make him seem more important if she's his girlfriend.
Susan does not know that Scott only likes the same music she does because he thinks it's "GUY" music, not because he "gets it" on a deeper level.
She doesn't know that he plays an instrument because he thinks it makes him "cool", not because he has a passion for music.
Susan also doesn't know that Scott exaggerates his "love" for animals because he knows it makes him sound caring.
Susan is dating Scott because she thinks she has found a kindred spirit.
Scott is dating Susan because he wants to have sex with her, and he wants to be seen with her, and because he thinks that if he's in a relationship with a female, he gets to be the "boss". He doesn't care at all about Susan's humor, preferences, passions, abilities, or goals, and he never did; he wasn't looking for a "peer", a "friend", or a "kindred spirit". What he cares about is that she'll keep giving him what he's trying to get from her.
They aren't kindred spirits at all. But Susan won't know that until she finds out the hard way, after spending more time with Scott. When Susan expresses the way she sees something, her point of view, Scott gets annoyed or dismissive, which confuses Susan because she thought they were "on the same page", since Scott was acting like they were.
When Susan tries to find out what's going on by asking questions, Scott becomes defensive and tries to "shut her down".
When Susan suggest that they might need to find better ways to communicate and be a "couple", Scott gets annoyed, angry, and cold, because he doesn't WANT to be that kind of couple, he never did. He just wants a human of the opposite sex who will fill the expectations, wants, and desires he has.
(Further, Scott thinks that what he wants is "simple", and that since he doesn't physically assault Susan, he's doing nothing "wrong".)
Scott and Susan have very little in common, and therefore Susan will not find a "matching frequency" with Scott.
UNLESS...
Susan changes HER OWN frequencies to match Scott's frequencies.
Such as... adapting Scott's belief in his superiority and entitlement over Susan.
But then, Susan will have changed who she is as a person, and Scott will probably reject her for that.
Kindred Spirits, Matching Frequencies, Creating Resonance and Harmony are part of the natural world, and are what creates and builds connections. We don't need to be a clone of another person to resonate and harmonize, and it's good to learn from others who have different points of view than ourselves.
But when certain key things are fundamentally different, and automatically create competition about WHO is "more valuable", and create rejection, then we don't get RESONANCE, we get dissonance.
