Shame As Control

Controllers, especially Narcissistic Controllers, assign "shame" to everything and anything. They learned that shame can be used as a very effective control tool, like a Riding Crop. (Horse whip stick thing). Most likely they picked up the behavior during childhood, and probably not only from someone doing it to THEM, but also from watching it being done to others.

So if their father used shame as a control against their mother, or vice versa, or both, they received constant "lessons". If their parents did it to their sibling, again, continual lessons, up close and personal. They may have joined in shaming the person or people in their family who were receiving the shame-treatment instead of standing up for them, because it made them feel like they were HOLDING the Crop, and therefore one of the "important people", instead of getting stung with the Crop, and apparently being one of the "unimportant people". .

They may also have learned it from other relatives OR FROM THEIR COMMUNITY, like in school, for example. Narcissistic faculty (teachers, coaches, principals, etc.) also use shame and humiliation to control or hurt students, and don't stop other children from doing it to other children, either.

A Narcissistic Controller will cast shame on a person for pretty much anything at all, and claim self-righteousness at the same time.

So you ought to be ashamed and embarrassed for leaving the lid off the sugar bowl.... I would NEVER do that, and neither would the rest of the family!!! Except for that loser no-account Donald. HE leaves the lid off the sugar bowl too... AND he hangs around with that loser friend of his, that weird one who doesn't kill hornets... he let's them gooooo..."

ANYTHING and anything, and anything.

If you're a Republican you're "bad", if you're a Democrat you're "bad", if you belong to a different church than theirs your "bad", if you go to church at all you're "bad", if you don't wear the same clothes as they do you're "bad", if you didn't wash your car you're "bad", if you don't do a job that fits their stereotype of the way you look you're not only "bad" but you're "crazy" too...

You didn't shut the lamp off, so "whack!" with a little shame... you didn't turn the lamp ON, so "whack!" with some more shame...

What's up that haircut, that shirt, those shoes, your goals, your college subject, the fact that you aren't in college, the kind of dog you have, how many cats you have, how you don't have a pet, how you have a big house, how you have a tiny apartment... etc ad infinitum...


By the time a target reaches adulthood, they may not be able to discern what a GENUINELY "shameful" act would be or would NOT be, so they can end up feeling shame for anything they do, and often, regardless of what they're doing. A Target can end up feeling shame attached to buttoning their own shirt to get ready for work. Or for getting ready for work. Or for having a job. Or for calling in sick because they broke their leg. Or for talking to an old friend. Etc. etc.

They inherited the Crop/Whip from someone during their childhood, almost certainly.

The holder of the Riding Crop is the one who uses it to sting and control the horse. The horse does not have one, or hold one. If the horse were to defend itself from the whip of the Crop, the horse would receive more stings.

The Narcissist sees themselves as the "trainer", the "rider", the Holder of the Riding Crop, and their target as the horse who of course is always the one being told what to do, and always the one being GIVEN consequences, never GIVING them. In the Narcissist's mind, as in the Horse rider/trainer's mind, the roles are never reversed, and they are never "peers".