Hate And Healing

The road to healing, as most are aware of in our more grounded moments, is paved with understanding,  communication, self-awareness, and forgiveness of ourselves and others. Especially when we are healing from betrayal, abuse, oppression, and/or trauma. It is very important to find our own voice for the first time, or find it once again if we have buried it, and use it to tell our stories. Those of us on the path to healing are aware of how important connecting and communicating with trustworthy souls really is; we need to be seen and heard. We need to feel that we are being seen and being heard as well, and believed, and listened to like the worthy and valuable human beings we really are.

When we find our voice, either for the first time, or once again, we often want to shout to the world the things we have been through and the things we have witnessed. We want to be heard! We want to be acknowledged! We want to be recognized, and we want people to know and understand where we have been, and what we have endured! We want people to see that we have every right to be angry, and we want them to know why! We crave, for once, to finally be the one who is on the receiving end of the understanding, validation, empathy and comfort! Of course we do, if we didn't feel this way, we would be tragically too far "gone" to recover. This shouting to the world "Listen to me! Hear me! I am HERE! I have endured, I have survived, and I need you to see me!" means we are still alive!

But sometimes, in our quest to recover our true selves, to feel healthy and whole again, we can get caught up in our quest and let our anger swell. It is of course good and essential to express our anger! If we have been treated unfairly, or terribly, it would be an expected and normal emotion, and to express that is very important. But there is a difference between expressing our anger at how we have been treated, and letting our anger turn to hatred. When we let that go unchecked, we have stepped off the path of healing ourselves, and into a different place where neither understanding nor forgiveness live. Many of us have already been in that place due to someone else's hatred or darkness, so we already know that it's barren and desolate, and is no place for healing.

We share information about various personality disorders, psychiatric disorders, and human behaviors and dynamics. The more understanding a person has of human beings, the more effectively he or she will be able to deal with what's going on with the people around him or her, and what's going on inside of his or her own heart and mind. Sharing information and experience is always helpful, and each person has their own unique understanding and experiences to contribute. That one piece of the puzzle one person has might be the one missing piece someone else needs to be able to see their own picture.

The value of sharing information about personality disorders and psychology, however, can get diminished and twisted when we add judgment. The fact is, most humans have some kind of psychological something that could be called a disorder. For most people, it's very hard to hear or accept, but no "normal" human being is free from self-deception, egoism, and childhood conditioning. Simply having complete belief that I am safe from harm right at this moment is a kind of delusion; if my brain could stand to handle all the things that could happen to me, for real, I would probably freeze in fear and anxiety, and curl up in a ball. Or perhaps I would become extremely defensive and wear armor and weapons, or live in a steel shelter with 12 guard dogs. However, my automatic self-deception convinces me that I am perfectly safe, right here, right now, and that nothing could possibly happen before I'm finished writing. It's our brain's way of making sure we can get things done and walk around on the Earth every day.

Those of us who have been through things outside of the realm of "normal everyday life", like trauma, abuse, oppression, slander, and severe betrayal have usually developed coping skills and defense mechanisms, some that we are aware of, and some that we may not be aware of. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) can happen to anyone who experiences trauma, attack and/or abuse.  Those who have lived inside of ongoing abusive and oppressive situations, especially when occurring in childhood, can result in symptoms of not only PTSD, but also "personality disorders" such as BPD (borderline personality disorder, or "emotional dysregulation"), Histrionic Disorder, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), Passive-Aggressive Disorder, and a few others.

It is estimated that "Personality Disorders" make up approximately more than half of psychiatric diagnoses.

BPD is a relatively common disorder that seems to be a result of an abusive and neglectful childhood, whether there was only one abusive person, or more than one. Many abusive situations are perpetuated by members of a group simply living WITH the abuse, and doing little or nothing about it. When a child is the target of one abusive person, and no one intervenes for any number of reasons, the child's perception can be "no one cares about me, no one is on my side". The child's subconscious then begins to create coping skills to help the child survive the ongoing abuse. To make a light analogy, it would be like being the only child in a game of dodge ball who keeps getting hit in the face by the bully who whips the ball, and everyone else just pretends it's not happening, including the teacher and the principal; when the child who is being smashed with the ball cries or complains, everyone just tells him or her to be quiet and stop whining, and might say "you are getting hit because you are whining". If the child runs away, everyone either just pretends the child was never there, and simply keeps playing, or hunts the child down and punishes him or her, and marks the child with a "bad seed" or "crazy" label in order to avoid accountability. No one takes the child out of the situation, no one stands up for the child, no one protects the child, everyone blames the child for everyone else's behavior, no one removes the bullies. How would a child in that situation continue to feel like just a "normal" kid? They wouldn't, so in order to survive, their subconscious rewrites their coping skills to deal with this abnormal ongoing situation. Of course when those coping skills are rewritten, they will no longer fit in a "normal" life, but once they're rewritten, they will have to be rewritten yet again if the child ever gets out of the abusive situation, and when those rewrites have gone on for long enough time and are deep enough, they feel like an actual part of the person's personality.

That child will quite likely develop Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Antisocial Personality Disorder. Hopefully for everyone else, the child has huge natural inner strength and can retain enough compassion to remember what it was like, at least emotionally, before the abuse began. It will be very hard for that person to trust anyone, and he/she will be an expert at detecting disingenuous people, including those in the psychology field. Healing him/herself will be very difficult because of the ongoing lesson he or she was made to endure about not trusting anyone, and healing requires some measure of trust. Paranoia would of course be possible, if not probable; when one has lived through years of being targeted and unprotected, how does one suddenly start believing that a new person is genuine and trustworthy? Defensiveness, fear, resentment and anger is what this person was trained to feel day in and day out, and they may not even be aware that there is any other way that a REAL person can feel. 

In summation, when we vilify Personality Disorders or those who have Personality Disorders, we do not help ourselves to heal, and will make it much harder for us to admit we may have symptoms ourselves. If we deny our own symptoms because we have labeled them "bad", then we set ourselves up to avoid our own healing. This is the main problem that is so often discussed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder; if we can't admit our own mistakes, "flaws", or shortcomings, we can't fix them and we can't heal them. When we call people "bad" who seem to have a Personality Disorder, they will be much more likely to deny they have any symptoms, and less likely to ever seek help. Especially when that person (them or us) has been avoiding being called "bad" his or her whole life because of the people around them doling out consequences and abandonment. We have the right to protect ourselves from any and all abuse, absolutely. That is the first priority. But we are not healing if we abandon our own values in our anger, and let our anger turn to hate. A world with more hate is just a world with more hate. Healing happens in compassion, learning, humility, objectivity, and love.


MM Black

American Psychiatric Association

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (currently the DSM-IV) lists ten personality disorders, grouped into three clusters in Axis II. The DSM also contains a category for behavioral patterns that do not match these ten disorders, but nevertheless exhibit characteristics of a personality disorder. This category is labeled Personality disorder not otherwise specified.

[edit] Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders and fears Social relation)

[edit] Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)

[edit] Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders)

[edit] Appendix B: Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study

Appendix B contains the following disorders.[17]

[edit] Other

Some types of personality disorder were in previous versions of the diagnostic manuals but have been deleted. This includes two types that were in the DSM-III-R appendix as "Proposed diagnostic categories needing further study" without specific criteria, namely Sadistic personality disorder (a pervasive pattern of cruel, demeaning and aggressive behavior) and Self-defeating personality disorder (masochistic personality disorder) (characterised by behaviour consequently undermining the person's pleasure and goals).[18] The psychologist Theodore Millon and others consider some relegated diagnoses to be equally valid disorders, and may also propose other personality disorders or subtypes, including mixtures of aspects of different categories of the officially accepted diagnoses