Building healthy boundaries is the most
important tool we need in dealing with N's in general, or anyone else
who does not care about other's well-being. N's (narcissists) in particular target our
boundaries by way of our self-esteem; the dismissive behavior, like I'm
not a real person; the clique behavior, like I'm not one of the "in
crowd" or don't belong, or aren't wanted here; the silent treatments;
refusal to address or answer directly;
refusal to acknowledge any of my feelings, observations, vents, or
accomplishments; all designed to make me feel unworthy and unwanted not
just by the N, but by everyone associated with the N. When that gets
into my head, then I notice it when anyone treats me with dismissal or
disrespect, and that feeling of "I'm not wanted here" comes right back.
That feeling is not "crazy", it's actually awareness. N's are everywhere, and when one targets us even a little, our awareness snaps right in, even if we don't realize consciously, and we become socially uneasy. We have experienced enough N abuse to know that when even a random N targets us in a group of people we don't even know, it's only a matter of time if we stick around that we will get smeared, sabotaged, and/or ostracized. We know how easily N's are successful at turning groups of people on a person, for the most petty "reasons". We often don't know who the N is for a while, even if we know it's happening; they will usually mimic trustworthiness or being oblivious to what's going on.
WHEN our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we can bounce back when an N tries to pull their smear crap. And, we sense their presence more quickly, and don't buy into the feeling of "I'm not likeable" "I'm not good enough" nearly as much; with healhy, strong boundaries, we are much more resilient, and less susceptible to their attempts to tear us down in the first place. With strong and healthy boundaries, we don't get driven out of a group if we choose to stay, we are better able to navigate their baby noises and tactics, and we are more comfortable about leaving if we so choose. Strong boundaries give us back our feeling of choice, and our confidence in our awareness.
That feeling is not "crazy", it's actually awareness. N's are everywhere, and when one targets us even a little, our awareness snaps right in, even if we don't realize consciously, and we become socially uneasy. We have experienced enough N abuse to know that when even a random N targets us in a group of people we don't even know, it's only a matter of time if we stick around that we will get smeared, sabotaged, and/or ostracized. We know how easily N's are successful at turning groups of people on a person, for the most petty "reasons". We often don't know who the N is for a while, even if we know it's happening; they will usually mimic trustworthiness or being oblivious to what's going on.
WHEN our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we can bounce back when an N tries to pull their smear crap. And, we sense their presence more quickly, and don't buy into the feeling of "I'm not likeable" "I'm not good enough" nearly as much; with healhy, strong boundaries, we are much more resilient, and less susceptible to their attempts to tear us down in the first place. With strong and healthy boundaries, we don't get driven out of a group if we choose to stay, we are better able to navigate their baby noises and tactics, and we are more comfortable about leaving if we so choose. Strong boundaries give us back our feeling of choice, and our confidence in our awareness.
