There is a difference between behavior and
emotion. Those who have a clear understanding of this are much better
able to make decisions and govern their actions.
When I feel angry, if I believe that my emotions and behavior are the same thing, I may act aggressively toward someone, and believe that it was my anger "making me" do it. In reality, I could have chosen to do any number of things that ...were completely different than what I did. I could have even chosen to do nothing at all.
A person in a large pick-up turns in front of me, nearly causing an accident. My emotions include anger at him, and fear because I was nearly in an accident; I could have been hurt or killed. My emotions are valid, of course, and natural, and normal. And then I feel more anger because he did something so ignorantly that could have easily resulted in my being seriously injured, and anyone else in the car, and anyone else on the road. Then I feel yet more anger because he speeds off after he does it like a spoiled brat. Also, this is the third pick-up truck in a week who has cut me off or nearly hit me. So I have a large volume of anger within me. What do I do?
I CHOOSE what to do. Will I yell and give him a gesture? Will I follow him and pull him out of the truck when he stops? Will I stop and sit there in the middle of the road so everyone else has to jack their brakes up and go around me, nearly causing another wreck myself? Will I follow him calmly and discreetly only in order to get his license plate, and then report him to the police? Will I pull over somewhere and let my anger dissipate, and just relax until I feel better, and can go about the rest of my day?
Obviously the last two choices are really the only ones that are rational, logical, and productive. All the others are me making my emotions and ego the rulers of my behavior, and not taking responsibility for myself.
So I follow this pick-up truck driver to get the license plate, right to the hospital, where she parks in front and runs around to the passenger side to carry her child who has apparently broken her leg. Now what do I feel? If I had known why she did what she did (because she wasn't thinking due to overwhelming fear and stress), I still would have felt fear and anger, but not so much anger. Since I didn't know, I assumed, and my imagination built a story that wasn't true. We do that all the time. The fact that she pulled in front of me didn't change. She did pull in front of me, and almost caused an accident. But knowing that she did it from a place of panic over her daughter, and not arrogance, changed MY perception. So the facts of the event did not change, but understanding the real reasons BEHIND the event changed MY feelings about it, and about her. That means my original feelings of anger upon anger were not even based in reality or facts. The FEAR was based on the REAL EVENT, but the anger was based on my assumptions.
If I had made the choice to pull her over, or followed her and screamed obscenities, or made gestures or threats, I would be choosing to act aggressively toward a mother who is trying to get her child to the hospital.
How would I seriously justify my behavior then? Does the whole 'game' change because her reasons for pulling in front of me were for a different reason than I thought?
My behavior, my actions, and my words are still MY CHOICE, no matter the reasons for HER actions. Mine and mine alone. I alone dictate how I treat others, and how I act, speak, and behave. If I treat someone disrespectfully, it's not because they "deserve" disrespect, it's because I CHOSE to treat them that way. If I treat someone with adulation, it's not because they "deserve" to be fawned over by me, it's because I CHOSE to threat them that way. How I act toward others is ALL ME, all the time, except in matters of actual defense against harm; and even then, we can choose how to act. How I behave is ALL ME, whatever I'm doing. If I'm changing my behavior in order to accommodate my emotions, I'm responsible for that, too.
Like if I didn't want to go to a show that I had committed to because of social anxiety; I am still responsible for all of my actions and behavior. I don't get a "free pass" for standing my friend up; my friend is not obligated or required to just be super-understanding of why I made plans with her and then just didn't show up. Importantly, being stood up may have caused her real pain and sadness. I should have tried to go, and if I absolutely couldn't, I should have called so she could adjust her plans, and then I also should have tried to make it up to her. Either way, I must accept that she might not want to make more plans with me in the future, as she is responsible to and for herself as well.
(Literally ONLY the technically insane are not responsible for their behavior, and therefore should not be walking free in society without constant supervision.)
M.M.Black
When I feel angry, if I believe that my emotions and behavior are the same thing, I may act aggressively toward someone, and believe that it was my anger "making me" do it. In reality, I could have chosen to do any number of things that ...were completely different than what I did. I could have even chosen to do nothing at all.
A person in a large pick-up turns in front of me, nearly causing an accident. My emotions include anger at him, and fear because I was nearly in an accident; I could have been hurt or killed. My emotions are valid, of course, and natural, and normal. And then I feel more anger because he did something so ignorantly that could have easily resulted in my being seriously injured, and anyone else in the car, and anyone else on the road. Then I feel yet more anger because he speeds off after he does it like a spoiled brat. Also, this is the third pick-up truck in a week who has cut me off or nearly hit me. So I have a large volume of anger within me. What do I do?
I CHOOSE what to do. Will I yell and give him a gesture? Will I follow him and pull him out of the truck when he stops? Will I stop and sit there in the middle of the road so everyone else has to jack their brakes up and go around me, nearly causing another wreck myself? Will I follow him calmly and discreetly only in order to get his license plate, and then report him to the police? Will I pull over somewhere and let my anger dissipate, and just relax until I feel better, and can go about the rest of my day?
Obviously the last two choices are really the only ones that are rational, logical, and productive. All the others are me making my emotions and ego the rulers of my behavior, and not taking responsibility for myself.
So I follow this pick-up truck driver to get the license plate, right to the hospital, where she parks in front and runs around to the passenger side to carry her child who has apparently broken her leg. Now what do I feel? If I had known why she did what she did (because she wasn't thinking due to overwhelming fear and stress), I still would have felt fear and anger, but not so much anger. Since I didn't know, I assumed, and my imagination built a story that wasn't true. We do that all the time. The fact that she pulled in front of me didn't change. She did pull in front of me, and almost caused an accident. But knowing that she did it from a place of panic over her daughter, and not arrogance, changed MY perception. So the facts of the event did not change, but understanding the real reasons BEHIND the event changed MY feelings about it, and about her. That means my original feelings of anger upon anger were not even based in reality or facts. The FEAR was based on the REAL EVENT, but the anger was based on my assumptions.
If I had made the choice to pull her over, or followed her and screamed obscenities, or made gestures or threats, I would be choosing to act aggressively toward a mother who is trying to get her child to the hospital.
How would I seriously justify my behavior then? Does the whole 'game' change because her reasons for pulling in front of me were for a different reason than I thought?
My behavior, my actions, and my words are still MY CHOICE, no matter the reasons for HER actions. Mine and mine alone. I alone dictate how I treat others, and how I act, speak, and behave. If I treat someone disrespectfully, it's not because they "deserve" disrespect, it's because I CHOSE to treat them that way. If I treat someone with adulation, it's not because they "deserve" to be fawned over by me, it's because I CHOSE to threat them that way. How I act toward others is ALL ME, all the time, except in matters of actual defense against harm; and even then, we can choose how to act. How I behave is ALL ME, whatever I'm doing. If I'm changing my behavior in order to accommodate my emotions, I'm responsible for that, too.
Like if I didn't want to go to a show that I had committed to because of social anxiety; I am still responsible for all of my actions and behavior. I don't get a "free pass" for standing my friend up; my friend is not obligated or required to just be super-understanding of why I made plans with her and then just didn't show up. Importantly, being stood up may have caused her real pain and sadness. I should have tried to go, and if I absolutely couldn't, I should have called so she could adjust her plans, and then I also should have tried to make it up to her. Either way, I must accept that she might not want to make more plans with me in the future, as she is responsible to and for herself as well.
(Literally ONLY the technically insane are not responsible for their behavior, and therefore should not be walking free in society without constant supervision.)
M.M.Black
