The
narcissist is the one who is watching and judging what someone else is
doing in their day to day lives, assessing how they look, believing they
know all kinds of things about them, looking for excuses to judge them
in a negative way, looking for excuses to have control over them,
assuming they know all about their past and their present.
A "friend" of a Narcissist is someone that makes them feel good about themselves, someone that gives them favors, presents, and privileges, and/or someone they can use for something. Someone they can control. Never someone who stands up to them, defends themselves, doesn't over-praise them, or doesn't allow manipulation; such a person will be promptly rejected and/or targeted for destruction. Narcissists don't make real friendships or partnerships. They make connections based on gain, ego, image and usage.
They can't be loyal, because they are only concerned with their own desires and whims; they live with the mantra of "if it feels good to me, then it must be okay for me to do". They won't forgo temptation just so they don't betray someone, whether it's sexual, emotional, or just ethical. Betrayal is about someone else's well-being, and that does not compute with a narcissist.
Nothing is done that doesn't serve them in some way. Even their seemingly altruistic tasks for others are really just performances to SHOW that they're a "good person"; they'll fix the neighbor's porch for free on Wednesday, and then stand their girlfriend up on Thursday. They'll make cookies for a party on Friday, and backstab someone on Saturday. They'll volunteer for the church Treasury on Sunday, and rip off a client on Monday.
Narcissists don't reject people based on something they actually DID WRONG, they reject them because it gives them a feeling of the illusion of superiority over that person, and a feeling of power. That's why they frequently target people who are actually KINDER than they are, MORE talented, MORE generous, and MORE fair-minded than themselves. If the person is "physically attractive" as well, that can be a huge trigger for a narcissist (even if they are seen as "attractive" also). They can't stand for someone to stand near them that shines brightly in any way. (The exception to that is if they are standing near someone who they have put on a pedestal, who they want to be associated with, or who is a good ego-stroker.)
They will make up fiction (LIE) about what the other person did "wrong" that would justify their judgments and disrespectful treatment, or they will twist and magnify things that are perfectly normal, even GOOD, about the person, and try to turn them into "bad character traits". So they'll call a wonderful artist "loopy" or "strange"; a kind, generous neighbor "naive" or "dumb", a friend with a high IQ "weird", a physically attractive person "stuck-up", "loose", or "crazy", an outgoing, happy person "whacked" or "too hyper", a person who is trying to recover from trauma or illness "lazy", "crazy", "a loser", "dwelling in the past", or "a hypochondriac", a person who is in college a "career student" or "baby", a person who helps others and/or works for a cause "obsessed" or some other derogatory term, a person who is close to his or her parent a "Mama's Boy" or "Daddy's Princess".
EVERYTHING and EVERYONE revolves around them, and must be compared to them, and must be categorized, preferably as negatively as possible.
---Unless the person is someone they want to be associated WITH, and then that person is the most awesome, brilliant, strongest, kindest, most generous, talented, greatest person EVER...
In communities with a lot of Narcissism, people will devalue THEMSELVES. This is not seen in healthy communities or families. This is to get a jump on the insults and devaluing from the bullies around them; self-deprecation takes some of the hair-triggers away from Narcissists who are always on the lookout for a person who is self-confident. The problem with this is that it leads to a culture of devaluation, and lower and lower self-esteem in the population.
It's all about making their own image look good, innocent, magnanimous, sweet, caring, trustworthy and kind, and making the other person look and/or feel bad. It has nothing to do with the reality of either the narcissist or the other person. But, since so many people are so eager to hurt and diminish others, they easily swallow any negative implications that makes the target seem like a "bad" person. (It takes much less work to judge and diminish someone than it does to be a genuine friend and take responsibility for one's self, and they get a little thrill out of diminishing that person to boot. The people who go along with the narcissist's gossip and bullying are also narcissistic.)
The Narcissist can't just be a good person, they have to be BETTER than someone else. They can't just be an expert, they have to be the TOP expert, i.e. BETTER than someone else. They don't want just healthy, civil respect, they want to be treated as MORE DESERVING of respect than someone else. They have to have someone to be "Better Than", and if there's no one around, they will target someone and try to MAKE them into a "lesser" person than themselves, by hook or by crook.
NOT all people with Narcissist traits and behaviors are aware of themselves, and some of them might not even know what they're doing is wrong. One might have parents that raised them that way, as if those behaviors ARE "good manners", or even "normal" in their culture. Another might have cognitive issues. Another might have neurological damage, and/or severe trauma, or have serious drug side effects. There are all kinds of real reasons why people display narcissistic behavior. It's important to understand which it is for several reasons, both for the person with Narcissism and for anyone near them. The narcissist may need medical attention, and may need someone to keep looking for professionals who have the skill set and capability to help them; and those near the person need to know the best way to deal with the behavior and keep the damage to themselves and everyone else to a minimum. Distance may be required. We can't help anyone effectively unless we are safe and healthy first.
A "friend" of a Narcissist is someone that makes them feel good about themselves, someone that gives them favors, presents, and privileges, and/or someone they can use for something. Someone they can control. Never someone who stands up to them, defends themselves, doesn't over-praise them, or doesn't allow manipulation; such a person will be promptly rejected and/or targeted for destruction. Narcissists don't make real friendships or partnerships. They make connections based on gain, ego, image and usage.
They can't be loyal, because they are only concerned with their own desires and whims; they live with the mantra of "if it feels good to me, then it must be okay for me to do". They won't forgo temptation just so they don't betray someone, whether it's sexual, emotional, or just ethical. Betrayal is about someone else's well-being, and that does not compute with a narcissist.
Nothing is done that doesn't serve them in some way. Even their seemingly altruistic tasks for others are really just performances to SHOW that they're a "good person"; they'll fix the neighbor's porch for free on Wednesday, and then stand their girlfriend up on Thursday. They'll make cookies for a party on Friday, and backstab someone on Saturday. They'll volunteer for the church Treasury on Sunday, and rip off a client on Monday.
Narcissists don't reject people based on something they actually DID WRONG, they reject them because it gives them a feeling of the illusion of superiority over that person, and a feeling of power. That's why they frequently target people who are actually KINDER than they are, MORE talented, MORE generous, and MORE fair-minded than themselves. If the person is "physically attractive" as well, that can be a huge trigger for a narcissist (even if they are seen as "attractive" also). They can't stand for someone to stand near them that shines brightly in any way. (The exception to that is if they are standing near someone who they have put on a pedestal, who they want to be associated with, or who is a good ego-stroker.)
They will make up fiction (LIE) about what the other person did "wrong" that would justify their judgments and disrespectful treatment, or they will twist and magnify things that are perfectly normal, even GOOD, about the person, and try to turn them into "bad character traits". So they'll call a wonderful artist "loopy" or "strange"; a kind, generous neighbor "naive" or "dumb", a friend with a high IQ "weird", a physically attractive person "stuck-up", "loose", or "crazy", an outgoing, happy person "whacked" or "too hyper", a person who is trying to recover from trauma or illness "lazy", "crazy", "a loser", "dwelling in the past", or "a hypochondriac", a person who is in college a "career student" or "baby", a person who helps others and/or works for a cause "obsessed" or some other derogatory term, a person who is close to his or her parent a "Mama's Boy" or "Daddy's Princess".
EVERYTHING and EVERYONE revolves around them, and must be compared to them, and must be categorized, preferably as negatively as possible.
---Unless the person is someone they want to be associated WITH, and then that person is the most awesome, brilliant, strongest, kindest, most generous, talented, greatest person EVER...
In communities with a lot of Narcissism, people will devalue THEMSELVES. This is not seen in healthy communities or families. This is to get a jump on the insults and devaluing from the bullies around them; self-deprecation takes some of the hair-triggers away from Narcissists who are always on the lookout for a person who is self-confident. The problem with this is that it leads to a culture of devaluation, and lower and lower self-esteem in the population.
It's all about making their own image look good, innocent, magnanimous, sweet, caring, trustworthy and kind, and making the other person look and/or feel bad. It has nothing to do with the reality of either the narcissist or the other person. But, since so many people are so eager to hurt and diminish others, they easily swallow any negative implications that makes the target seem like a "bad" person. (It takes much less work to judge and diminish someone than it does to be a genuine friend and take responsibility for one's self, and they get a little thrill out of diminishing that person to boot. The people who go along with the narcissist's gossip and bullying are also narcissistic.)
The Narcissist can't just be a good person, they have to be BETTER than someone else. They can't just be an expert, they have to be the TOP expert, i.e. BETTER than someone else. They don't want just healthy, civil respect, they want to be treated as MORE DESERVING of respect than someone else. They have to have someone to be "Better Than", and if there's no one around, they will target someone and try to MAKE them into a "lesser" person than themselves, by hook or by crook.
NOT all people with Narcissist traits and behaviors are aware of themselves, and some of them might not even know what they're doing is wrong. One might have parents that raised them that way, as if those behaviors ARE "good manners", or even "normal" in their culture. Another might have cognitive issues. Another might have neurological damage, and/or severe trauma, or have serious drug side effects. There are all kinds of real reasons why people display narcissistic behavior. It's important to understand which it is for several reasons, both for the person with Narcissism and for anyone near them. The narcissist may need medical attention, and may need someone to keep looking for professionals who have the skill set and capability to help them; and those near the person need to know the best way to deal with the behavior and keep the damage to themselves and everyone else to a minimum. Distance may be required. We can't help anyone effectively unless we are safe and healthy first.
