A negative feedback-loop is created when one is in any kind of relationship with a person who has narcissism. The feedback they give to a target is not reflective of what the target is actually doing and saying, nor is it reflective of the target's real character or person, nor of the target's real life. Feedback from a person with narcissism is often skewed in the negative, or they may purposely withhold feedback that would be considered normal.
So if a target was building a brick wall, the narcissist would not simply acknowledge it like a non-narc. would. They wouldn't say "Hey Sarah nice job on that wall. You look like you could use some iced tea!"
Instead, they might imply that the wall isn't plumb, or they might give Sarah "advice" (about anything at all that they can think of, from the way she's wearing her hair, to the kind of gloves she has on, to the brand of mortar, to the way she's mixing it, to a better way to lay the bricks).
They might imply that the project is silly, or in the wrong spot, or is going to get in the way of something else.
They might give "back-handed compliments", in order to get away with saying that they are shocked that 'weak, ignorant, lazy' Sarah could "pull off such a feat".
They might imply that Sarah isn't working fast enough (a favorite go-to insult; they may think it makes them sound grown-up or more responsible or skilled compared to the target.)
They will probably bring up their uncle, cousin, friend from third grade, neighbor, or sister who's an "EXPERT MASON"... (implying that Sarah falls short of "expert" or "skilled", and that the person they're associating themselves with is much more experienced... regardless of the reality of either the other person's experience or Sarah's. An N. would do that regardless of Sarah's level of expertise, because reality is not a factor for them.).
They might talk down to her as if she's STUCK UP, because "she thinks she's so great", because she's doing something that they don't do, or don't know how to do.
They might keep interrupting her, again behaving as if she's lounging by the pool, trying to get her to perform other tasks.
Some N's would even physically sabotage the work, or try to push her out of the way in order to "prove" that they can do it better.
They might spread negative rumors that they simply make up, having to do with Sarah building the wall.
Some N's might behave as if there IS NO WALL, and that Sarah is NOT in the middle of building a wall, and speak to her as if she's sitting with a drink by the pool (lazing around).
But what a person with Narcissism probably WON'T do is speak to Sarah in an accurate feedback exchange, which might sound something like the aforementioned phrasing, or maybe "Hey looks good! You want something to drink? If you need anything let me know!" (or even light banter, like "if you need anything, I'll be lounging by the pool..." would be nice, pleasant feedback.)
If Sarah asked them to count how many bags of mortar are left, they might purposely LIE, or just glance at the bags and give her a number. (Inaccurate feedback).
If Sarah asked them to hold the level, they might tip it just a little so it looks like the wall isn't straight.
If Sarah asked them what time the hardware store closes, they might make something up, but they probably would not give her the right time, UNLESS they were arguing with her about what time it closes.
If she asked them what they thought of the wall, they would probably NOT give her a straight, honest answer, they would probably criticize and make it negative, regardless of how good it actually looked.
Neutral, accurate, respectful, and genuinely positive feedback is a rarity for a Narcissist.
Even if they do achieve it, they'll often get some kind of criticism, advice, or control comment in there right afterward.
It doesn't have to take prolonged exposure to this negative feedback loop to cause confusion and other issues that affect a target's mental and emotional health, it can cause problems such as anxiety pretty quickly.
So if a target was building a brick wall, the narcissist would not simply acknowledge it like a non-narc. would. They wouldn't say "Hey Sarah nice job on that wall. You look like you could use some iced tea!"
Instead, they might imply that the wall isn't plumb, or they might give Sarah "advice" (about anything at all that they can think of, from the way she's wearing her hair, to the kind of gloves she has on, to the brand of mortar, to the way she's mixing it, to a better way to lay the bricks).
They might imply that the project is silly, or in the wrong spot, or is going to get in the way of something else.
They might give "back-handed compliments", in order to get away with saying that they are shocked that 'weak, ignorant, lazy' Sarah could "pull off such a feat".
They might imply that Sarah isn't working fast enough (a favorite go-to insult; they may think it makes them sound grown-up or more responsible or skilled compared to the target.)
They will probably bring up their uncle, cousin, friend from third grade, neighbor, or sister who's an "EXPERT MASON"... (implying that Sarah falls short of "expert" or "skilled", and that the person they're associating themselves with is much more experienced... regardless of the reality of either the other person's experience or Sarah's. An N. would do that regardless of Sarah's level of expertise, because reality is not a factor for them.).
They might talk down to her as if she's STUCK UP, because "she thinks she's so great", because she's doing something that they don't do, or don't know how to do.
They might keep interrupting her, again behaving as if she's lounging by the pool, trying to get her to perform other tasks.
Some N's would even physically sabotage the work, or try to push her out of the way in order to "prove" that they can do it better.
They might spread negative rumors that they simply make up, having to do with Sarah building the wall.
Some N's might behave as if there IS NO WALL, and that Sarah is NOT in the middle of building a wall, and speak to her as if she's sitting with a drink by the pool (lazing around).
But what a person with Narcissism probably WON'T do is speak to Sarah in an accurate feedback exchange, which might sound something like the aforementioned phrasing, or maybe "Hey looks good! You want something to drink? If you need anything let me know!" (or even light banter, like "if you need anything, I'll be lounging by the pool..." would be nice, pleasant feedback.)
If Sarah asked them to count how many bags of mortar are left, they might purposely LIE, or just glance at the bags and give her a number. (Inaccurate feedback).
If Sarah asked them to hold the level, they might tip it just a little so it looks like the wall isn't straight.
If Sarah asked them what time the hardware store closes, they might make something up, but they probably would not give her the right time, UNLESS they were arguing with her about what time it closes.
If she asked them what they thought of the wall, they would probably NOT give her a straight, honest answer, they would probably criticize and make it negative, regardless of how good it actually looked.
Neutral, accurate, respectful, and genuinely positive feedback is a rarity for a Narcissist.
Even if they do achieve it, they'll often get some kind of criticism, advice, or control comment in there right afterward.
It doesn't have to take prolonged exposure to this negative feedback loop to cause confusion and other issues that affect a target's mental and emotional health, it can cause problems such as anxiety pretty quickly.
