One of the things that can be difficult to grasp about "Narcissism" is that people who have it do not make "natural bonds" with others, and then consciously keep and protect those bonds like non-narcissists do. Their family members are just people who happen to be family members, and they either "like" and therefore favor an individual, giving them extra attention, praise, and resources, or they "don't like" them and will treat them accordingly; either with indifference, or as a target/scapegoat.
A person who has Narcissism does not refrain from darkly envying a family member who they see as getting more attention than themselves, or having something they don't have, or being attractive or talented. They will show the same kind of cold envy and jealousy toward a family member that can be seen in some children toward classmates and peers.
They will throw a family member "under the bus" just as easily as they would a business rival, for perceived social or material gain, and to deflect accountability.They will willingly step back when a family member is slandered, manipulated, conned, or even abused if stepping back seems better for themselves, or if they envy that family member, OR if the person who attacked the family member is on their list of either favored or useful people. They generally don't like to stand up for those who are targeted by others, because they fear being targeted by the attacker, they don't want to "risk their reputation", and because they don't want to help expose the dynamics in the game of manipulation, since they are a player.
Because they don't feel the connected bond between themselves and other family members that many people feel, they don't feel automatic kindredness toward family members, except for a chosen favored few (or only one, or sometimes none, however "none" may be something other than Narcissism.) They don't feel "familial" empathy, pride, confidence in, or the desire to protect all of the other members in their family.
This lack of kindred connection with other members is the same for any kind of group that they are a part of. They will often USE being a member of a group as a badge of status, but that's completely separate from their connections with the actual members of the group.
Family members are seen as just "other people" in their lives who happen to be connected to them, and ONLY those the Narcissist favors will receive what most consider to be something like "normal" treatment toward family, such as empathy, respect, care giving, sympathy, shared activities, guidance, assistance, validation, encouragement, support, understanding, and PROTECTION from danger or disrespect from either the outside world OR from inside the family. This favoring or disfavoring does include the person's children, and it includes any and ALL family members.
A scapegoated person will not only receive LESS of these "normal"-family-interaction things than everyone else, but will also be singled out to receive more abuse, more neglect, less or no resources or assistance, and less or no protection, and often direct sabotage.
In real life examples, a favored person in the same family may be given a brand new pair of skis with boots, helmet, poles, and padding for Christmas, and the scapegoated person may receive a pair of cheap gloves, maybe a scarf, and perhaps a candy bar. Resources and displays of approval and adoration are denied and taken away from the scapegoat, and extra are given to the favored person. The favored person will be given the biggest piece of steak, the special piece of poultry, their favorite dish on a regular basis, and the scapegoated person will be given the smallest piece of steak (or none), and criticized for their food preferences.
If the favored person shovels snow, they'll be spoken of kindly and praised by the Narcissist and others, but if the scapegoated person shovels snow, they'll be criticized, corrected, and made fun of; and that precedent carries over to any task or accomplishment.
If the favored person starts a business, they'll be praised and held up as a "go-getter", and most likely given assistance in various ways, and promoted in the community. If the scapegoated person starts the same exact business, or a different one, they'll be ignored, or criticized, demeaned, or made fun of; they will receive little if any assistance, and any "promotion" they receive will be watered down or sabotaged with negative innuendos, something like "that's my sister's pizza joint~ if you go there, tell her I sent you, but don't blame me if the pizza sucks."
A scapegoated person is often expected to SERVE a favored person, even if they are PEERS (the same age, or siblings or cousins).
The favored person may be helped in buying a car when they're 16; the scapegoated person may not be allowed to even get their license until they move out.
The favored person may have college paid for, or mostly paid for, the scapegoated person may be told that there are NO funds for their college, even if there are.
The favored person may be taken to the hospital when their fever goes past 100, the scapegoated person may be ignored or told to stop complaining or go to sleep when theirs spikes to 104 or higher. The favored person may get a shoulder to cry on for any and every bump, bruise, and mistake, but the scapegoated person will be CHASTISED, scolded, and judged negatively for anything at all that they're upset about, no matter how terrible the event, even if it was something as serious as a physical assault on them, or an illness or injury.
When a favored person tells their account of an event, they are listened to and usually believed even if they're lying to get out of something they've done. When a scapegoated person tells their account of an event, or talks about anything at all, really, they'll automatically be argued with, countered, ignored, invalidated, or accused of lying.
If a favored person were to say that a terrible storm is coming, everyone would be expected to believe them, in the same way that the Narcissist would expect to be believed. But if the scapegoated person says that a small storm is coming, or even that it's raining outside RIGHT NOW, they will FIRST be doubted and argued with, before anyone even looks outside to see if it's true.
(The relationship between a favored person and a scapegoated person can vary widely, depending on both of their levels of awareness, and their own bonding abilities. But typically, Narcissists would rather the favored person did NOT bond with the scapegoated person, and will often try to prevent or destroy such bonding.)
The seriousness of favoritism and scapegoating is a very big deal; in many cultures, and even in the "West", being the favored person or the scapegoated person in a family or community can mean the difference between wealth or extreme poverty, or even living and dying.
(It's important to note that a favored person, especially if the person is a child, is not necessarily being done any GOOD by the favored treatment, and it's not always as "favored" as it seems. The term "Golden Child" is used to describe a Narcissistic parents' favored child, and they usually end up having serious problems in their own lives as well that may be very hard to heal; and worse, very hard for the person to even figure out where the problems came from or what they really are. They may say things like "well I was never abused" or "my childhood was fine", so they don't even try to investigate there for origins of their issues.)
Outside of the family, the Narcissist still sees people as just "other people" who happen to go to their place of worship, or who work at their place of business, or live in their neighborhood or town, or who go to their school or have the same interests. They see potential or current romantic interests in the same way, including their spouse. They don't see the people in their church, school, business, or neighborhood, as all being members of a collective "WE".
They PICK and CHOOSE only specific individuals to associate themselves with for purposes of personal gain, either social or material, or both, and the rest of the people are just random people to them who they either FAVOR, DISFAVOR, or are INDIFFERENT toward.
"Indifferent" meaning treating others as if they're not really there, like they're shadow puppets who don't have real lives and who don't really "matter".
Narcissists only really take NOTICE of individual people who they see as a potential GAIN for themselves in some way, or a potential "THREAT" to their gain, or to their current "status".As an example of that: Jake the Narcissist is a member of the local Mason lodge; the only other members he associates with or knows anything about are the ones who have higher "ranking", and who are wealthy or have "important" titles in the community, AND the ones who he feels threatened by due to their good looks, pleasant personality, or apparent talent or ability. He doesn't know or remember much at all, or care to know much at all, about any of the other members, even though there are only 18 of them. He only accepts invitations to events and parties from those who he thinks he can gain from, and simply ignores the rest. He only attends ceremonies that he absolutely has to, or that he thinks will help him gain status and favor from certain individuals, or raise his "status" in the lodge or the community.
He goes along with the "status quo" all the time, and never stands up against negative or unfair treatment toward another member, UNLESS standing up against unfair treatment IS what the "crowd" is doing, and therefore will gain him "points".
Many have said that it may be better to be a person who a Narcissist sees as a "nothing" than to be a scapegoat target, but one can't actually control that and live a real or normal life. Narcissists always notice those who seem confident, skilled, brave, smart, attractive, talented, or warm and caring, and they will either adulate them and try to associate themselves with them, or they will compete with them, and often try to diminish or knock them down somehow. But that's "what they do", like the Scorpion and the Frog fable; we do what WE do, and avoid their sting and protect ourselves as much as we can. Frogs are naturally fantastic swimmers, and they should not stop swimming just because there are scorpions around. Frogs can learn to recognize scorpions, and avoid them as much as possible, and not give them rides.
Narcissists often choose other Narcissists to associate with, and they'll often choose them OVER, and INSTEAD OF people who they have common interests with. In other words, a Narcissist who is into baseball would seek association with the Mayor of the town who DOESN'T LIKE baseball, and happens to be a Narcissist, but would NOT associate themselves with a person who loves baseball, who is very good at playing and very knowledgeable, but who doesn't have an important Title OR behave Narcissistically, or isn't the "right" race, sex, or age, or doesn't seem to be wealthy or popular.
A clearer example: If the Narcissist was on a Baseball Team with two players who had an equal level of interest in the game, and equal level of advanced skill and ability, and one of them was Narcissistic but the other was not, the Narcissist would much more likely choose the Narcissistic player to be "friends" with, and NOT the non-Narcissistic player. Alternatively, the two Narcissists might become "Bitter Rivals", which gives them both NOTORIETY (they'll put themselves in the spotlight with their drama), which is the same thing as "fame" for a Narcissist.
Further, both Narcissists on the team might try to turn the non-Narcissist with the high level of ability and skill into a "mascot", "sidekick", or "gopher"; in other words, try to lower that player's "social status" and also status on the team. If and when that player protests against this treatment, the player will probably be either given the "rejection" treatment, or get Scapegoated.
In summation, people who have Narcissism don't make bonds with others because of shared experiences, shared family ties, time spent together, shared childhoods, shared schools, shared interests, shared mutual friends, shared projects, or shared workplaces.
They only make "connections" with people they choose to connect with (who they happen to know from one of those places or in one of those groups) because they see some kind of benefit/gain for themselves in the connection. They try to keep CONTROL over that connection, because if it's stops BENEFITING them, they will pull the plug. Shut if off. Hit the switch. Reject the person like a dirty tissue, no matter what the person's relation to them is.
Narcissists FEIGN loyalty because it helps them gain, and makes them look good. They don't actually DO loyalty.
Common reasons for rejecting a person they've chosen to "connect with" is that they realized the person is not that popular, powerful, wealthy, or not easily manipulated.
Most Narcissists will immediately abandon ANY person who has been targeted by slander or other abuse, and even jump on a campaign to smear the person's name.
They may make a dramatic exit and try to dump the "blame" for their leavetaking on the other person, but this is just to deflect accountability, either for something they did, or for their abrupt discarding of the person.
The last thing a Narcissist wants is to get exposed for social manipulation, because others might hear about it, and then their game will be exposed.
A person who has Narcissism does not refrain from darkly envying a family member who they see as getting more attention than themselves, or having something they don't have, or being attractive or talented. They will show the same kind of cold envy and jealousy toward a family member that can be seen in some children toward classmates and peers.
They will throw a family member "under the bus" just as easily as they would a business rival, for perceived social or material gain, and to deflect accountability.They will willingly step back when a family member is slandered, manipulated, conned, or even abused if stepping back seems better for themselves, or if they envy that family member, OR if the person who attacked the family member is on their list of either favored or useful people. They generally don't like to stand up for those who are targeted by others, because they fear being targeted by the attacker, they don't want to "risk their reputation", and because they don't want to help expose the dynamics in the game of manipulation, since they are a player.
Because they don't feel the connected bond between themselves and other family members that many people feel, they don't feel automatic kindredness toward family members, except for a chosen favored few (or only one, or sometimes none, however "none" may be something other than Narcissism.) They don't feel "familial" empathy, pride, confidence in, or the desire to protect all of the other members in their family.
This lack of kindred connection with other members is the same for any kind of group that they are a part of. They will often USE being a member of a group as a badge of status, but that's completely separate from their connections with the actual members of the group.
Family members are seen as just "other people" in their lives who happen to be connected to them, and ONLY those the Narcissist favors will receive what most consider to be something like "normal" treatment toward family, such as empathy, respect, care giving, sympathy, shared activities, guidance, assistance, validation, encouragement, support, understanding, and PROTECTION from danger or disrespect from either the outside world OR from inside the family. This favoring or disfavoring does include the person's children, and it includes any and ALL family members.
A scapegoated person will not only receive LESS of these "normal"-family-interaction things than everyone else, but will also be singled out to receive more abuse, more neglect, less or no resources or assistance, and less or no protection, and often direct sabotage.
In real life examples, a favored person in the same family may be given a brand new pair of skis with boots, helmet, poles, and padding for Christmas, and the scapegoated person may receive a pair of cheap gloves, maybe a scarf, and perhaps a candy bar. Resources and displays of approval and adoration are denied and taken away from the scapegoat, and extra are given to the favored person. The favored person will be given the biggest piece of steak, the special piece of poultry, their favorite dish on a regular basis, and the scapegoated person will be given the smallest piece of steak (or none), and criticized for their food preferences.
If the favored person shovels snow, they'll be spoken of kindly and praised by the Narcissist and others, but if the scapegoated person shovels snow, they'll be criticized, corrected, and made fun of; and that precedent carries over to any task or accomplishment.
If the favored person starts a business, they'll be praised and held up as a "go-getter", and most likely given assistance in various ways, and promoted in the community. If the scapegoated person starts the same exact business, or a different one, they'll be ignored, or criticized, demeaned, or made fun of; they will receive little if any assistance, and any "promotion" they receive will be watered down or sabotaged with negative innuendos, something like "that's my sister's pizza joint~ if you go there, tell her I sent you, but don't blame me if the pizza sucks."
A scapegoated person is often expected to SERVE a favored person, even if they are PEERS (the same age, or siblings or cousins).
The favored person may be helped in buying a car when they're 16; the scapegoated person may not be allowed to even get their license until they move out.
The favored person may have college paid for, or mostly paid for, the scapegoated person may be told that there are NO funds for their college, even if there are.
The favored person may be taken to the hospital when their fever goes past 100, the scapegoated person may be ignored or told to stop complaining or go to sleep when theirs spikes to 104 or higher. The favored person may get a shoulder to cry on for any and every bump, bruise, and mistake, but the scapegoated person will be CHASTISED, scolded, and judged negatively for anything at all that they're upset about, no matter how terrible the event, even if it was something as serious as a physical assault on them, or an illness or injury.
When a favored person tells their account of an event, they are listened to and usually believed even if they're lying to get out of something they've done. When a scapegoated person tells their account of an event, or talks about anything at all, really, they'll automatically be argued with, countered, ignored, invalidated, or accused of lying.
If a favored person were to say that a terrible storm is coming, everyone would be expected to believe them, in the same way that the Narcissist would expect to be believed. But if the scapegoated person says that a small storm is coming, or even that it's raining outside RIGHT NOW, they will FIRST be doubted and argued with, before anyone even looks outside to see if it's true.
(The relationship between a favored person and a scapegoated person can vary widely, depending on both of their levels of awareness, and their own bonding abilities. But typically, Narcissists would rather the favored person did NOT bond with the scapegoated person, and will often try to prevent or destroy such bonding.)
The seriousness of favoritism and scapegoating is a very big deal; in many cultures, and even in the "West", being the favored person or the scapegoated person in a family or community can mean the difference between wealth or extreme poverty, or even living and dying.
(It's important to note that a favored person, especially if the person is a child, is not necessarily being done any GOOD by the favored treatment, and it's not always as "favored" as it seems. The term "Golden Child" is used to describe a Narcissistic parents' favored child, and they usually end up having serious problems in their own lives as well that may be very hard to heal; and worse, very hard for the person to even figure out where the problems came from or what they really are. They may say things like "well I was never abused" or "my childhood was fine", so they don't even try to investigate there for origins of their issues.)
Outside of the family, the Narcissist still sees people as just "other people" who happen to go to their place of worship, or who work at their place of business, or live in their neighborhood or town, or who go to their school or have the same interests. They see potential or current romantic interests in the same way, including their spouse. They don't see the people in their church, school, business, or neighborhood, as all being members of a collective "WE".
They PICK and CHOOSE only specific individuals to associate themselves with for purposes of personal gain, either social or material, or both, and the rest of the people are just random people to them who they either FAVOR, DISFAVOR, or are INDIFFERENT toward.
"Indifferent" meaning treating others as if they're not really there, like they're shadow puppets who don't have real lives and who don't really "matter".
Narcissists only really take NOTICE of individual people who they see as a potential GAIN for themselves in some way, or a potential "THREAT" to their gain, or to their current "status".As an example of that: Jake the Narcissist is a member of the local Mason lodge; the only other members he associates with or knows anything about are the ones who have higher "ranking", and who are wealthy or have "important" titles in the community, AND the ones who he feels threatened by due to their good looks, pleasant personality, or apparent talent or ability. He doesn't know or remember much at all, or care to know much at all, about any of the other members, even though there are only 18 of them. He only accepts invitations to events and parties from those who he thinks he can gain from, and simply ignores the rest. He only attends ceremonies that he absolutely has to, or that he thinks will help him gain status and favor from certain individuals, or raise his "status" in the lodge or the community.
He goes along with the "status quo" all the time, and never stands up against negative or unfair treatment toward another member, UNLESS standing up against unfair treatment IS what the "crowd" is doing, and therefore will gain him "points".
Many have said that it may be better to be a person who a Narcissist sees as a "nothing" than to be a scapegoat target, but one can't actually control that and live a real or normal life. Narcissists always notice those who seem confident, skilled, brave, smart, attractive, talented, or warm and caring, and they will either adulate them and try to associate themselves with them, or they will compete with them, and often try to diminish or knock them down somehow. But that's "what they do", like the Scorpion and the Frog fable; we do what WE do, and avoid their sting and protect ourselves as much as we can. Frogs are naturally fantastic swimmers, and they should not stop swimming just because there are scorpions around. Frogs can learn to recognize scorpions, and avoid them as much as possible, and not give them rides.
Narcissists often choose other Narcissists to associate with, and they'll often choose them OVER, and INSTEAD OF people who they have common interests with. In other words, a Narcissist who is into baseball would seek association with the Mayor of the town who DOESN'T LIKE baseball, and happens to be a Narcissist, but would NOT associate themselves with a person who loves baseball, who is very good at playing and very knowledgeable, but who doesn't have an important Title OR behave Narcissistically, or isn't the "right" race, sex, or age, or doesn't seem to be wealthy or popular.
A clearer example: If the Narcissist was on a Baseball Team with two players who had an equal level of interest in the game, and equal level of advanced skill and ability, and one of them was Narcissistic but the other was not, the Narcissist would much more likely choose the Narcissistic player to be "friends" with, and NOT the non-Narcissistic player. Alternatively, the two Narcissists might become "Bitter Rivals", which gives them both NOTORIETY (they'll put themselves in the spotlight with their drama), which is the same thing as "fame" for a Narcissist.
Further, both Narcissists on the team might try to turn the non-Narcissist with the high level of ability and skill into a "mascot", "sidekick", or "gopher"; in other words, try to lower that player's "social status" and also status on the team. If and when that player protests against this treatment, the player will probably be either given the "rejection" treatment, or get Scapegoated.
In summation, people who have Narcissism don't make bonds with others because of shared experiences, shared family ties, time spent together, shared childhoods, shared schools, shared interests, shared mutual friends, shared projects, or shared workplaces.
They only make "connections" with people they choose to connect with (who they happen to know from one of those places or in one of those groups) because they see some kind of benefit/gain for themselves in the connection. They try to keep CONTROL over that connection, because if it's stops BENEFITING them, they will pull the plug. Shut if off. Hit the switch. Reject the person like a dirty tissue, no matter what the person's relation to them is.
Narcissists FEIGN loyalty because it helps them gain, and makes them look good. They don't actually DO loyalty.
Common reasons for rejecting a person they've chosen to "connect with" is that they realized the person is not that popular, powerful, wealthy, or not easily manipulated.
Most Narcissists will immediately abandon ANY person who has been targeted by slander or other abuse, and even jump on a campaign to smear the person's name.
They may make a dramatic exit and try to dump the "blame" for their leavetaking on the other person, but this is just to deflect accountability, either for something they did, or for their abrupt discarding of the person.
The last thing a Narcissist wants is to get exposed for social manipulation, because others might hear about it, and then their game will be exposed.
