Whining Children, Bitching Spouses: Language And Control

When it comes to other people's emotions, a RED FLAG of Narcissism is the WORDS used to describe those emotions. 

This language habit is also often picked up by young people who live with, or in a community with, a lot of Narcissism, and turned (unwittingly) into their regular speech pattern. Unfortunately whether the language is intentional or inadvertently picked up, the effects are still damaging.

(The difference between a person who intentionally uses negative language to dominate and demean, and a person who inadvertently picked it up is their reaction when it's pointed out; a Narcissist will defend it to kingdom-come, and try to "destroy" whoever pointed it out with belittling and insult. The non-Narcissist who uses this language pattern from having picked it up from others, like a regional speech pattern, will not, they'll just be either interested or not interested, and maybe feel some things about it.) 

They will commonly use language that others only use when they're legitimately overwhelmed, or dealing with a seriously negative situation:

The child is not "scared", the child is "whining".

The husband is not "upset", the husband is "moaning".

The girlfriend is not "angry", the girlfriend is "bitching".

The parent of a student is not "concerned", they're "helicoptering".


This is YET ANOTHER FORM of control that's related to all the others... the list is exhaustive...

They DESCRIBE another person's emotions and actions in a NEGATIVE, DEMEANING way, in order to bully and invalidate the person, or to give a negative impression about the person to the people who are listening to them.
(Of course, Narcissists and insecure people, AND "normal" young people, will often do this same thing in order to fit in with the people around them who also talk this way. Young people are going through the same maturation stage that everyone before them went through, that's why it's important for adults to "watch their language" around kids, so they don't pick up speech habits that cause negativity for themselves and their relationships.)

Narcissists can't stand for others, especially targets, to express or display any apparent emotion that they don't like, that doesn't make THEM feel comfortable or happy.

They also don't like it if a person is NOT displaying the emotion they want them to display
(but that's also common with BPD; fear of disapproval, hostility, or abandonment).

(NPD is about control and superiority mostly for it's own sake;
BPD is about reaction and coping, which can manifest as control.)

A child who is sad, anxious, angry, or scared is ANNOYING to a person with Narcissism, and that's all there is to it. The reason for the child's expression of sadness or fear or anger is IRRELEVANT, as far as the N. is concerned. All the Narcissist cares about is his or her OWN feelings of annoyance, and that their annoyance gets "REMEDIED" quickly.
If there are other people around, then add "what will they think!" or perhaps the child is "ruining the atmosphere".
The goal will not be to find out what the child is upset about, it will be to make the child STOP "pouting", "whining", or "caterwauling".

An inability to empathize, or to correctly interpret other people's emotions, also contributes greatly to the way a Narcissistic person treats others regarding emotional expression.

(The apparent paranoid reaction about WHY a person is displaying a certain emotion, and assuming that the person's emotional expression is about THEM, or is an "attack", may or may not be displayed in a person who has Narcissism; that's an additional issue that can be found with Narcissism, or with something else entirely, not excluding post-trauma. It's an important symptom, either way.)