There is a huge difference between expressing one's own needs, and demanding that another person fulfills those needs.
All healthy relationships have everyone's well-being to the fore, so ongoing compromise and negotiation always exists.
For example, Jess needs to sleep later in the morning because she stays up late for work, but Jerry gets up at 7 a.m. for work. Those are NEEDS, and each should honor the other. Jess works at home, Jerry works outside the home. So, Jess needs to be quiet and make sure not to wake Jerry up at night after he goes to sleep, and Jerry needs to be quiet and not wake Jess up in the morning while he's getting ready for work.
Jerry respects Jess's privacy and need for peace in order to concentrate while she works, so he doesn't make noise, interrupt her, or bother her with non-emergencies, or try to make her "feel bad" for not doing other things since she's in the house.
Jess respects Jerry's need for leaving the house on time in the morning, and respects him while he's at work, not calling and bothering him all the time with non-emergencies.
They BOTH keep contact with the other during their respective work times, and maintain their connection in a PLEASANT way.
Very simple, no drama required.
There is no reason for Jess to sacrifice her work or her sleep FOR JERRY, and Jerry does not need to sacrifice his work or his sleep for Jess.
When there are child care issues, events, celebrations, or problems or crisis, if BOTH Jess and Jerry actually RESPECT the other, for real, they will both WANT the other one to keep their needs as fulfilled as possible in figuring out how to handle whatever has come up.
Neither one of them, IF there was genuine RESPECT and care, would want the OTHER one to SACRIFICE their needs (or comfort), or to make more sacrifice or effort than themselves.
There is a huge difference between enforcing one's own boundaries, and expanding one's "self" to invade another person's boundaries and space.
For example, when Jess expands her business into wood-carving, she discusses with Jerry (who owns the home equally) where to set up "Shop", and how much space she would need, and how that would affect Jerry's space and freedom of movement in the home.
She doesn't ASK JERRY FOR PERMISSION, OR TO MAKE THE DECISION, she ASKS for his INPUT, and how much space he would be comfortable with converting to a "Shop". Nor does she just TAKE the garage or the basement "over", and just say "WELL THIS IS IMPORTANT, IT'S BUSINESS, THIS IS WHAT I NEED, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT". Nor does she EXCLUDE Jerry, like he's an "outsider". She doesn't create a Clique of wood-carvers that excludes Jerry. And she doesn't try to DISMISS Jerry's interest or skill in wood-carving, or his input, in order to feel superior to him.
Jerry RESPECTS that this is JESS'S idea and project; SHE is the "leader", he is NOT the "leader". He doesn't try to take over, criticize her, give her unsolicited advice, or try to "show off" with any bits of skill or knowledge he might have about wood-carving.
When Jess asks Jerry for help, he respectfully helps her in the way that she ASKED HIM for help if he is able, (as long as she asks politely); he doesn't take it as an OPPORTUNITY to assert control, power, or authority, or to use it as a way to make himself be superior to her somehow.
By the same token, when Jerry starts a band, he doesn't just "Take Over" the garage or the basement, and he doesn't make it into some kind of Clique that excludes Jess.
He doesn't make it a "guy thing" in order to have an excuse to exclude Jess, nor does he allow other band members to create a Hostile Environment to make Jess uncomfortable and feel unwelcome.
He INCLUDES Jess, respects her musical interest, talent and ability, respects her as a PERSON, expects other musicians to respect her as not only a PEER, but also as HIS FRIEND/partner, and also as the owner of the house. He does not "break house rules" in order to look "cool" and to paint Jess as his "strict MOM" who has "strict rules" that he pretends not to agree with when other people are around. When Jerry asks Jess for help, she helps him in the way that he ASKED HER for help if she is able (as long as he asks her politely); she doesn't take it as an OPPORTUNITY to assert control, power, or authority, or to use it as a way to make herself be superior somehow.
Both Jess and Jerry are RESPECTFUL toward other people who are involved in each of their projects, and both Jess and Jerry are RESPECTFUL TOWARD EACH OTHER, and expect the other people who are involved to BE RESPECTFUL TOWARD THE OTHER ONE.
NONE of these things are AT ALL DIFFICULT for those who actually respect and care about their friends, partners, roommates, family members, coworkers, or fellow citizens.
In fact, it's EASY, and "second-nature".
Drama is created when one person expects to be treated with ENTITLEMENT over others, when a person does not RESPECT the well-being or needs of another, when people have weak boundaries, envy, resentment, identity, ego, and control issues, and when people are trying to create and enforce unnecessary and melodramatic "HIERARCHY".
All healthy relationships have everyone's well-being to the fore, so ongoing compromise and negotiation always exists.
For example, Jess needs to sleep later in the morning because she stays up late for work, but Jerry gets up at 7 a.m. for work. Those are NEEDS, and each should honor the other. Jess works at home, Jerry works outside the home. So, Jess needs to be quiet and make sure not to wake Jerry up at night after he goes to sleep, and Jerry needs to be quiet and not wake Jess up in the morning while he's getting ready for work.
Jerry respects Jess's privacy and need for peace in order to concentrate while she works, so he doesn't make noise, interrupt her, or bother her with non-emergencies, or try to make her "feel bad" for not doing other things since she's in the house.
Jess respects Jerry's need for leaving the house on time in the morning, and respects him while he's at work, not calling and bothering him all the time with non-emergencies.
They BOTH keep contact with the other during their respective work times, and maintain their connection in a PLEASANT way.
Very simple, no drama required.
There is no reason for Jess to sacrifice her work or her sleep FOR JERRY, and Jerry does not need to sacrifice his work or his sleep for Jess.
When there are child care issues, events, celebrations, or problems or crisis, if BOTH Jess and Jerry actually RESPECT the other, for real, they will both WANT the other one to keep their needs as fulfilled as possible in figuring out how to handle whatever has come up.
Neither one of them, IF there was genuine RESPECT and care, would want the OTHER one to SACRIFICE their needs (or comfort), or to make more sacrifice or effort than themselves.
There is a huge difference between enforcing one's own boundaries, and expanding one's "self" to invade another person's boundaries and space.
For example, when Jess expands her business into wood-carving, she discusses with Jerry (who owns the home equally) where to set up "Shop", and how much space she would need, and how that would affect Jerry's space and freedom of movement in the home.
She doesn't ASK JERRY FOR PERMISSION, OR TO MAKE THE DECISION, she ASKS for his INPUT, and how much space he would be comfortable with converting to a "Shop". Nor does she just TAKE the garage or the basement "over", and just say "WELL THIS IS IMPORTANT, IT'S BUSINESS, THIS IS WHAT I NEED, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT". Nor does she EXCLUDE Jerry, like he's an "outsider". She doesn't create a Clique of wood-carvers that excludes Jerry. And she doesn't try to DISMISS Jerry's interest or skill in wood-carving, or his input, in order to feel superior to him.
Jerry RESPECTS that this is JESS'S idea and project; SHE is the "leader", he is NOT the "leader". He doesn't try to take over, criticize her, give her unsolicited advice, or try to "show off" with any bits of skill or knowledge he might have about wood-carving.
When Jess asks Jerry for help, he respectfully helps her in the way that she ASKED HIM for help if he is able, (as long as she asks politely); he doesn't take it as an OPPORTUNITY to assert control, power, or authority, or to use it as a way to make himself be superior to her somehow.
By the same token, when Jerry starts a band, he doesn't just "Take Over" the garage or the basement, and he doesn't make it into some kind of Clique that excludes Jess.
He doesn't make it a "guy thing" in order to have an excuse to exclude Jess, nor does he allow other band members to create a Hostile Environment to make Jess uncomfortable and feel unwelcome.
He INCLUDES Jess, respects her musical interest, talent and ability, respects her as a PERSON, expects other musicians to respect her as not only a PEER, but also as HIS FRIEND/partner, and also as the owner of the house. He does not "break house rules" in order to look "cool" and to paint Jess as his "strict MOM" who has "strict rules" that he pretends not to agree with when other people are around. When Jerry asks Jess for help, she helps him in the way that he ASKED HER for help if she is able (as long as he asks her politely); she doesn't take it as an OPPORTUNITY to assert control, power, or authority, or to use it as a way to make herself be superior somehow.
Both Jess and Jerry are RESPECTFUL toward other people who are involved in each of their projects, and both Jess and Jerry are RESPECTFUL TOWARD EACH OTHER, and expect the other people who are involved to BE RESPECTFUL TOWARD THE OTHER ONE.
NONE of these things are AT ALL DIFFICULT for those who actually respect and care about their friends, partners, roommates, family members, coworkers, or fellow citizens.
In fact, it's EASY, and "second-nature".
Drama is created when one person expects to be treated with ENTITLEMENT over others, when a person does not RESPECT the well-being or needs of another, when people have weak boundaries, envy, resentment, identity, ego, and control issues, and when people are trying to create and enforce unnecessary and melodramatic "HIERARCHY".
