Controllers/Narcissists try to TRAIN targets to become what they want them to become.
This training is based on the Narcissist's desires, compulsions, emotions, addictions, and agenda for the specific target.
For example if a Controller/Narcissist wants a target to be their "Trophy Wife" or "Trophy Husband", then anything that the target says or does that ALIGNS with that agenda might be validated or even praised, such as buying a sexy dress, or getting a specific hairstyle (that pleases the Controller). But anything that the target says or does that DOES NOT ALIGN with that agenda will probably be INVALIDATED, ridiculed, belittled, attacked, insulted, denied, ignored, etc., like if the target wears clothes that don't fit the Narcissist's image of "Trophy wife", or if the person didn't want to dye their grey hair, or if the person refused to get rid of their old pick-up truck, etc.
That invalidation/validation behavior is part of this training.
When the Controller gives APPROVAL, it gives the target a feeling of relief and acceptance, like parental approval, or peer, or instructor/coach approval. When the Controller INVALIDATES them with refusing to acknowledge or respond, changing the subject, or with direct disapproval or insult, then the target feels uncomfortable, maybe embarrassed, ignored, humiliated, or chastised.
This Narcissistic training method works very well on children, and it works best on adults who have been targeted by it before, especially in their childhood.
For example, if the Narcissist is jealous or envious toward the Target's other relationships (family, friends, coworkers, etc), then whenever the Target mentions one of those other people, ESPECIALLY when telling a happy, joyful, or funny experience, the Narcissist may be purposely NON-RESPONSIVE, act as if the target didn't even speak, change the subject immediately without acknowledging what the target said; IMPLY something negative about the person being spoken about, or the experience; or actually display their jealousy/envy in behavior or speech.
*(This refers to actual jealousy and envy. It does not refer to the reaction of annoyance or anger when, for example, a "partner" keeps talking favorably about another person whom is obviously a secret crush (or more), or when a "friend" or family member keeps talking favorably about a person who has betrayed, disrespected, or abused the listener, or when a "friend" or family member is trying to make the other person feel unwanted or excluded from the rest of their life, in order to dominate them, or keeps talking about other certain people in order to make themselves appear "superior").
Controllers/Narcissists OF COURSE "train" children to think, feel, and BE a certain way, but they also attempt to "train" adults, especially supply targets and scapegoats.
"Training" targets about:
what's "okay" to talk about,
what's "okay" to be interested in,
how the Narcissist should be SEEN.. (their constructed image)
who to care about and who NOT to care about,
who to automatically follow, believe, obey, and seek approval from,
who not to RESPECT, believe, or listen to,
HOW TO FEEL,
What the target is "allowed" to accomplish, attempt, or be GOOD AT, and what they're NOT "allowed" to accomplish or excel at,
what's "okay" to do for activities or recreation,
what "attractiveness" looks like,
who they are "allowed" to be attracted to,
what's "okay" to do for a job,
what "intelligence" and "morality" looks like,
WHO is "intelligent", and who's not,
what to ask questions about or NOT,
what's okay to learn about or NOT,
who to TALK TO, who NOT to talk to,
who to be "friends" with or NOT be friends with,
what to "enjoy" doing,
what's "okay" to LIKE or LOVE, and what to dislike or "hate",
of course what to believe,
what to LIVE IN DENIAL ABOUT.
This training is based on the Narcissist's desires, compulsions, emotions, addictions, and agenda for the specific target.
For example if a Controller/Narcissist wants a target to be their "Trophy Wife" or "Trophy Husband", then anything that the target says or does that ALIGNS with that agenda might be validated or even praised, such as buying a sexy dress, or getting a specific hairstyle (that pleases the Controller). But anything that the target says or does that DOES NOT ALIGN with that agenda will probably be INVALIDATED, ridiculed, belittled, attacked, insulted, denied, ignored, etc., like if the target wears clothes that don't fit the Narcissist's image of "Trophy wife", or if the person didn't want to dye their grey hair, or if the person refused to get rid of their old pick-up truck, etc.
That invalidation/validation behavior is part of this training.
When the Controller gives APPROVAL, it gives the target a feeling of relief and acceptance, like parental approval, or peer, or instructor/coach approval. When the Controller INVALIDATES them with refusing to acknowledge or respond, changing the subject, or with direct disapproval or insult, then the target feels uncomfortable, maybe embarrassed, ignored, humiliated, or chastised.
This Narcissistic training method works very well on children, and it works best on adults who have been targeted by it before, especially in their childhood.
For example, if the Narcissist is jealous or envious toward the Target's other relationships (family, friends, coworkers, etc), then whenever the Target mentions one of those other people, ESPECIALLY when telling a happy, joyful, or funny experience, the Narcissist may be purposely NON-RESPONSIVE, act as if the target didn't even speak, change the subject immediately without acknowledging what the target said; IMPLY something negative about the person being spoken about, or the experience; or actually display their jealousy/envy in behavior or speech.
*(This refers to actual jealousy and envy. It does not refer to the reaction of annoyance or anger when, for example, a "partner" keeps talking favorably about another person whom is obviously a secret crush (or more), or when a "friend" or family member keeps talking favorably about a person who has betrayed, disrespected, or abused the listener, or when a "friend" or family member is trying to make the other person feel unwanted or excluded from the rest of their life, in order to dominate them, or keeps talking about other certain people in order to make themselves appear "superior").
Controllers/Narcissists OF COURSE "train" children to think, feel, and BE a certain way, but they also attempt to "train" adults, especially supply targets and scapegoats.
"Training" targets about:
what's "okay" to talk about,
what's "okay" to be interested in,
how the Narcissist should be SEEN.. (their constructed image)
who to care about and who NOT to care about,
who to automatically follow, believe, obey, and seek approval from,
who not to RESPECT, believe, or listen to,
HOW TO FEEL,
What the target is "allowed" to accomplish, attempt, or be GOOD AT, and what they're NOT "allowed" to accomplish or excel at,
what's "okay" to do for activities or recreation,
what "attractiveness" looks like,
who they are "allowed" to be attracted to,
what's "okay" to do for a job,
what "intelligence" and "morality" looks like,
WHO is "intelligent", and who's not,
what to ask questions about or NOT,
what's okay to learn about or NOT,
who to TALK TO, who NOT to talk to,
who to be "friends" with or NOT be friends with,
what to "enjoy" doing,
what's "okay" to LIKE or LOVE, and what to dislike or "hate",
of course what to believe,
what to LIVE IN DENIAL ABOUT.
