Keeping
control over situations, things, and people in their lives is the main
motivation for most people with "Control issues".
Control is the way they manage their lives.
Many who are somewhat aware of their control tendencies seem to believe that their behaviors only affect their own lives, and have no effect on others. But that limited perception is part of their issue, both a cause and an effect.
Their behaviors can vary from seemingly "normal" and healthy to very very kind, and then all the way to very nasty, and everything in between.
The basic, usual reasons for the variations in their level of kindness or nastiness has to do with their current level of how much they feel in control, and what they think it would take to regain control.
Kind of like piloting a boat or a plane.
Adjusting the sails, adjusting the rutter, adjusting the flaps, slowing down or accelerating, steering into the wind.
If they feel like they need to regain control or make an adjustment, they will do something in order to regain it.
That might be something very kind in order to elicit a specific response, or it might be something hidden and manipulative, or it might be something mean, cold, or humiliating in order to "cut a person down" or try to make them feel less confident or autonomous.
Some controllers are purposely vicious, and are fully aware of the harm they cause to others. It's not that they don't care, it's that they like to cause harm.
Others are not all that aware of the effect their behaviors have on others. Even if they have some awareness that some of the things they do are unkind or harmful, they are prone to believe that they don't cause much harm, or ANY harm.
This is a result of a person feeling powerless and ineffective; they see themselves as having little or no effect on other people's lives, which may be one of the main causes of their control issues and behavior. They may be trying to MAKE others "need" them, or see them as important or capable, because they have a core belief that they are actually unwanted and uncared for.
There is a distinct difference between those who have control issues who are coming from a point of view of Entitled Superiority, Elitism, and Authority Entitlement, and those who are coming from a point of view of feeling powerless, and trying to make sure they don't get left out or left behind.
Both of them cause problems for others, and both of them try to wield control over others, however one is much more dangerous than the other, and consciously aware of the harm they are causing.
(The first is consciously choosing their actions, the second is more often reactive, whether aware or not.)
Analogy:
One is like a cruel child who goes around looking for frogs, birds' nests and bees' nests to destroy, and the other is like a reactive child who kicks at dogs and cats who come near them, kills bees who fly near them, and whacks at mice and snakes in their yard or on their path with a shovel out of fear or anxiety.
The first goes looking for ways to destroy and control, the second does it reactively, usually in their own vicinity.
The second is more likely to see themselves as innocent of wrong doing, and can become very defensive if anything they do is even mentioned. (Again, defensive, which is reactive).
The first is more likely to try to destroy a person who mentions anything they do, not as an emotional reaction so much, but as a strategic, conscious "strike", getting rid of the threat. That's why the first is more dangerous.
Their control issues and behaviors are tied to a belief in their own Entitlement Of Power.
Control is the way they manage their lives.
Many who are somewhat aware of their control tendencies seem to believe that their behaviors only affect their own lives, and have no effect on others. But that limited perception is part of their issue, both a cause and an effect.
Their behaviors can vary from seemingly "normal" and healthy to very very kind, and then all the way to very nasty, and everything in between.
The basic, usual reasons for the variations in their level of kindness or nastiness has to do with their current level of how much they feel in control, and what they think it would take to regain control.
Kind of like piloting a boat or a plane.
Adjusting the sails, adjusting the rutter, adjusting the flaps, slowing down or accelerating, steering into the wind.
If they feel like they need to regain control or make an adjustment, they will do something in order to regain it.
That might be something very kind in order to elicit a specific response, or it might be something hidden and manipulative, or it might be something mean, cold, or humiliating in order to "cut a person down" or try to make them feel less confident or autonomous.
Some controllers are purposely vicious, and are fully aware of the harm they cause to others. It's not that they don't care, it's that they like to cause harm.
Others are not all that aware of the effect their behaviors have on others. Even if they have some awareness that some of the things they do are unkind or harmful, they are prone to believe that they don't cause much harm, or ANY harm.
This is a result of a person feeling powerless and ineffective; they see themselves as having little or no effect on other people's lives, which may be one of the main causes of their control issues and behavior. They may be trying to MAKE others "need" them, or see them as important or capable, because they have a core belief that they are actually unwanted and uncared for.
There is a distinct difference between those who have control issues who are coming from a point of view of Entitled Superiority, Elitism, and Authority Entitlement, and those who are coming from a point of view of feeling powerless, and trying to make sure they don't get left out or left behind.
Both of them cause problems for others, and both of them try to wield control over others, however one is much more dangerous than the other, and consciously aware of the harm they are causing.
(The first is consciously choosing their actions, the second is more often reactive, whether aware or not.)
Analogy:
One is like a cruel child who goes around looking for frogs, birds' nests and bees' nests to destroy, and the other is like a reactive child who kicks at dogs and cats who come near them, kills bees who fly near them, and whacks at mice and snakes in their yard or on their path with a shovel out of fear or anxiety.
The first goes looking for ways to destroy and control, the second does it reactively, usually in their own vicinity.
The second is more likely to see themselves as innocent of wrong doing, and can become very defensive if anything they do is even mentioned. (Again, defensive, which is reactive).
The first is more likely to try to destroy a person who mentions anything they do, not as an emotional reaction so much, but as a strategic, conscious "strike", getting rid of the threat. That's why the first is more dangerous.
Their control issues and behaviors are tied to a belief in their own Entitlement Of Power.
