Arrogance is not interested in playing music at his own hearth, with those he shares bread with; he only wants to play for kings. Humility, however, knows where the real gold is spun when the music plays.


(m.black)

Abundant Universe

Just for today give up the fear of competition. We can all share in the dream of abundance when we choose integrity, honor and respect as the terms for constructing our future. ~Edie Britt

An Honor And A Privilege

One of the biggest problems many people have with relationships, be they friend, family, or romantic, is that they believe that the other person HAS to stay with them. Taking relationships with others for granted is a symptom of Entitlement, much like when one believes they deserve to get paid at a job just for showing up. The proof that someone believes they are Entitled to their relationships, and that they do not view them as a privilege, and an honored invitation from another living, sentient being, is when they verbally and/or emotionally attack when the person decides that they've had enough of being taken for granted. To be sure~ How do you know if you are the one who is being "entitled", or who is being taken for granted? It's simple. If your reaction to this is "Why should I treat her/him/them with respect? What have they done to deserve it? And they are supposed to be there for me, not the other way around, and I can't stand them anyway, they're stupid" ~Then you are definitely the one who feels entitled, and you will probably get a rude awakening that you will not understand until you have gone through all kinds of problems in your life that you have created with your entitlement consciousness. Wake up so you can have a good life.

SING! DANCE! MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT!

Use the talents you may possess: the woods would be silent if no birds sang there
except those who sang best. —Henry Van Dyke

And do not discourage a bird to sing, just because you are arrogant and only want to hear the song of the lark. The bird was born to sing, and you were not born to silence her. Go busy your mouth with something more productive than insulting another. --- Marianne Black

Are You Done Talking Yet

A red flag of Narcissistic people is how they lose interest in the conversation with you when they no longer like the subject. They were not engaged in talking WITH YOU, they were engaged in receiving the attention they were looking for FROM you. As soon as you start talking about something they don't find interesting or find uncomfortable, they will suddenly fade away~ they have to go, or there's...

something else going on, or they have a pain in their leg, or they're tired, any reason to end the conversation. Sometimes they will even make an announcement that the conversation is over, as if they are your authority; either way, if they are being passive-aggressive, or outright rude, they are asserting control over you, and showing that their conversation with you had nothing really to do with their interest in a reciprocal connection. They don't want to hear what you have to say unless they LIKE what you are saying, and agree with it; its not about a connection with you.

They don't know that non-narcissistic people like to have reciprocal conversations, that they enjoy hearing the thoughts and opinions and observations of people they know. They often don't know that differing points of view are GOOD, and not cause for enmity, but actually build connection between people.

Relationship With A Narcissist

You will not ever have a "real" relationship with a person who has Narcissism. They will always live inside their own life, and will not integrate with you. Your life and personhood is not "real" to them, it is not nearly as significant as theirs. Your experiences, your life, your past, your knowledge, wisdom, your aspirations, needs, desires, passion, laughter, hopes, dreams, heart, and soul are ...

no more real to them then if they had watched it on a brief TV documentary about you.

The reason they can not connect is because they don't see anything outside of their own box as being "Real". They built that fort many years ago, and they brought their favorite things in it, and that's the world to them. Their family might be built into it, sometimes even a buddy, usually from childhood or adolescence. But that's it.

If they really want or have to go somewhere, they will put wheels on it, but they won't come out. They see no need to, the real world is inside their sanctuary; you are not "real" unless you come inside; but then, you are assimilated into the rest of the things that are under the N's control.

Continue along with that metaphor for a moment. How do you think the N person would act toward a toy in their collection that came to life, and had their own ideas on how to live? What would happen if that toy wanted to redecorate even a small portion of the fort, or bring in a pet, or go out into the world on an adventure? Would the N person go along with the toy, or would they simply tell it "no", and punish it if it took the initiative anyway? How would the N person feel about the toy having other friends in a normal way, inviting them into the fort, going out to do things with them? Would the N want to go with them, or would the N feel embarrassed about being seen cavorting with a bunch of toys?

The N believes that they are in full control over others, not unlike a child who pretends with dolls. The world only exists as their own version, and anything outside their version is just "wrong".

Kim Cooper has found a way to cure Narcissism, but the task of getting a Narcissist to actually DO anything at all, especially that he or she doesn't feel rewarded for in some way (think ego) is nearly impossible. You can see what it looks like if you want:      
Narcissism Cured

Barack Obama's Ass

Where are all the jokes and criticisms in the media about the candidate's looks, weight, hair, vocal tone, shoes, outfits, and "hotness" factor?

Oh... right... that only happens when the candidates are women. 

I keep forgetting... See, I actually believed it when the adults told me that all American citizens were treated with the same equality and respect  because Americans are above all that petty prejudice Jr. High crap, and I just can't seem to shake that fantasy.

Who and WHAT are you voting for?

Ask yourself if you were running for office, would you want to be attacked like the political ads? Do you think there is nothing in your life your opponent could use against you? Are you that kind of person who would attack another person the way they do? Why would you vote for a person who would do that?

Gift Receiving Etiquette And Narcissism

Interesting thing that narcissists often do is the same behavior that immature children often do~ they don't know how to accept gifts or compliments. Often, when a narcissist receives a gift, they will not accept it gracefully, they will look it over and assess it, judging whether or not they like it or approve of it. If they don't LOVE it, just like a child who has not learned manners, they will SAY SO. They will often reject the gift outright, as if the gift giver has insulted them with their "dumb" gift. The Narcissist feels entitled to receiving gifts, large or small, and has not matured enough to understand that the people in their lives do not exist to serve them. If the N loves the gift itself, they will often do something else interesting; they will assimilate the gift into their list of accomplishments. As if they acquired it on their own. They simply "delete" the fact that the gift was GIVEN to them by another person, and rewrite the story to make themselves the person who went and got the thing, or the money. They see it as something they earned, or found, or created, not as something that was given to them. It looks like it's a way to avoid showing gratitude, but N's seem to actually believe their own reality-rewrites. An exception to this behavior is when the Narcissist has something to gain by displaying good manners; if a person they have a crush on, or a person they want to impress or get on their good side, gives them a gift, then the "good manners" come out, as if it's a natural part of the N's day to day personality. Often if you compliment a Narcissist, they will not say "thank you", they will hear the compliment as an expression of awe about their magnificence, and take the opportunity to expand upon how wonderful and important they are. This Is Spinal Tap has a wonderful scene spoofing this (Language Alert): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgViOqGJEvM

Trauma Victims In Your Family And Friendships

One of the things a traumatized person needs most is to feel "normal" again, to be reassured that the people around them care about them for real, are glad that they survived, and are eager to make sure they're okay. LONG TERM "okay", not just in the moment, or for today, or until we all get sick of "dealing with it". The traumatized person needs to feel that they their "people" love them and LIKE them, and want them around. They often want to be heard, need to tell their story, and need to see that their family and friends have their back. Ironically, the larger portion of humans do just the opposite to a victim of trauma. They often turn away from the person, cast blame on the person, stop treating them like "one of their kind", as if the person is the one who created this terrible thing to happen to them. This is a psychological malfunction, where a victim of crime, abuse, or trauma is wrongfully placed by those around them as the perpetrator of the trauma. When people can not handle the caretaking of an individual in their group because they are not mentally or emotionally equipped, they often turn on the the very person who they are supposed to be caring for because they feel overwhelmed. Often they feel guilty or ashamed, and in order to cast these feelings off of themselves, they throw them onto the traumatized person. Many victims of trauma develop PTSD, exacerbated by the cold treatment of those whom they had previously trusted. To be chased by a grizzly bear through the woods is traumatizing. To get to the family home and find the door locked, and no one will open it from the inside, is severely traumatizing. To have to wrestle with your keys with the grizzly bearing down on you, unlock the door, and get inside, only to find everyone shaking their heads at you and accusing you of making it up just to get attention, or backs turned on you as if you had done something wrong and should be ashamed, can be absolutely devastating, even debilitating. The person now knows they are not in a safe environment, and not surrounded by people who have any interest in their well-being. And once a person is stamped as a scapegoat in any given group, when there is no one to stand up for them, the group will usually treat that person like a pariah for the rest of their lives; and to clinch it, this stamp will often be spread far and wide, just to make sure that no one ever believe the real story. A pariah is shunned, judged, refused resources, made fun of, laughed at, used as a dumping ground for family problems. It's the most terrible way to treat a person. And yet, it's very common in human families and groups all across the world, in every social and economic strata. If there's someone in your family or group that has been labeled "black sheep" or "bad", a person who people love to call crazy, who they seem to delight in bashing, chances are the whole truth is being hidden. Think about how you would want to be treated by your family or group, and compare that to the way they treat and talk about that person. Do they seem bent on making sure that person is spoken of in a negative light? Do they show concern for things that person went through, or do they dismiss every single thing that happened to that person? Everyone needs to feel like they are cared about by their group, like they belong, like they are safe.

Real People Fake Friends

Don't confuse friendship with image. If we pick people to connect with based on how other people will see us, we are not living in truth. Civility, Friendship and Love are based in the heart, not on appearances. When we are afraid to be seen with someone, then we are either surrounded by false, image obsessed people, and we have grown to be accustomed to living in fear of their judgment, or we are that way ourselves, creating "friendships" based not in good will and true bonds, but in what we will get out of them.

Racism Sexism Misogyny Misandry Blondes Redheads

Prejudiced people are just doing what they did when they were 4 and 5, trying to group people together and separate differences, trying to get a feeling of importance for themselves. If they are a boy, there will always be a boy in the class who has self-importance issues, and declares boys to be better than girls, and tries to rally all the boys to follow along. There is often a girl in the class who does the same thing with the girls. There is usually at least one kid who does it with hair color, ancestry or skin color, rallies all the kids who otherwise would not have thought twice about it to be in a little "club" (so that kid can be the leader of said 'club') against other kids who "aren't like them", and there are often teachers, parents, and other adults who do little or nothing about any of it, or make it worse. Prejudiced adults are doing the exact same thing as they did then, they just never grew out of it. Giant toddlers, lol. Giant bottle in one hand, huge sagging diapers, and a big huge pacifier square in the middle of their face. And don't forget soft, cuddly Blankie :) Next time you or someone you know makes a sexist put-down, a racist remark, a snotty mean comment about someone with different hair color or a certain body type, remember they are showing their inner King or Queen Toddler.

Not My Brother's Keeper

The emotional well-being of those around us IS our responsibility, and if people didn't shrug that off so much, there would be a lot less sadness, anger, and fear. When another person is upset in some way, if we mean to be a friend or a comfort to them, we must keep in mind that our goal is to be there with them mentally, and lead them back into a more neutral emotional state. Just like a bottle of soda that gets shaken up, our emotions shake up the chemicals in our brains. That's ALL humans, unless there is brain damage. When someone is upset, whether it's anger, sadness, fear, rage, depression, or terror, we ARE our "brother's and sister's keeper", not their Authority Master to shut them down with aggression or put downs. A true friend listens, and listens, and talks, and listens, and seeks to give companionship, and seeks to help the other person come gently back to feeling grounded again.

Brain Washing For Dummies

How do you keep control over a person, a group, a society, a country, a world?
You simply create chaos so people don't have time to think, to relax, to become inspired. You try to convince them that their ideas are silly, their observations are dumb, and that there is no hope for their aspirations. You do not give them time or space to heal, or to become inspired, or to build their strength and resources.  
You create hostility, fear, prejudice, heartbreak and anxiety so their brain's energy is spent in the Amygdala, instead of the Cortex. 
 
The Amygdala is the part of the brain that deals with emotions. 

The Cortex is the part of the brain that thinks and plans.

Those who realize what is going on, especially in personal relationships, can definitely recover, and usually do. The controller person often reacts with rage when their puppet strings are exposed.
In larger groups or agencies, when several people are involved in the manipulation, they often react with self-righteousness, convinced that they are somehow superior and entitled to treating other humans this way for a "bigger cause". They will often try to redirect the aware person, and sabotage them in different ways. If this does not work, they can smear their reputation so no one takes them seriously. If it still doesn't work, they might just rub them out.  
The aware person would often choose death than life as a caged animal, so the manipulators still don't "win".

Are You A Good Person?

People who are trying to prove that they are "one of the Good People" in a family or group often develop a habit of trying to "bag" others. Scapegoats are common in this kind of dynamic, there is one person who everyone uses as a dumping ground for criticism. That way, they always have someone to point at, away from themselves. Children often do this before they are taught to take accountability f... or their own actions; they will "tattle" on another child in order to feel important and above blame. It makes them feel like a temporary adult. However in groups where there is scapegoating going on already, many members of that group will pick up this behavior in order to avoid becoming a Scapegoat. Reporting to others what one of the members of the group is doing "wrong" is common, but promoting the well being of that person is not the goal. They will say they are "concerned", but they will not call that person directly and try to be their friend, or talk about them in good ways, or promote their interests or accomplishments. They will just keep trying to "bag" that person to others in order to get "policing" points, and there is always a lot of secret talking about other members.

Communicating Vs. Insulting

The difference between communicating about issues and insulting another person's character is as stark as night and day. The communicator will say "I feel like you don't care about me when you do this~ " or "What was the reason you did or said this~" or "I feel very depressed and I don't know what to do" or "I would like us to communicate better by learning some skills from a professional" or "I am extremely sad or depressed" The insulter will reply "You always feel like nobody cares about you! You need help!" or "I'm sick of you constantly asking me my reasons for things, I am what I am. You're too sensitive, and you're always complaining." or "YOU feel depressed! You have the easiest life I've ever seen, and all you do is complain!" or "Every guy/girl you were ever with, and ever will be with, you will badger with this 'communication' crap! You are the one who needs help!" or "You're just trying to get attention! Just get over it already! My God you are driving me crazy!" Ironically, when the insulter speaks to the communicator, they are met with empathy, friendship, and help if needed. If the communicator finally gets fed up with the insulter and insults back, all hell breaks loose, and the insulter will accuse the communicator of being an abuser. So, the communicator is always the giver of empathy, and never the receiver of empathy. (Unless the insulter is in a certain mood). It will not change unless the insulter changes it, and they usually don't even know they're doing it; to them, they're just defending themselves in the way they learned, and they are often oblivious to the damage they do, or to the positive effects they experience from receiving empathy, friendship, and help.

Kimberly Barnes Goad

Skipping and tripping through life, that's a shame, Ignoring the sages will douse out your flames. How does it feel screaming silently to yourself? ... No one to listen....no one to help. Sabotage your dreams, you'll get what you sow. How do I guide a lost soul? Who's to know? Your pride is shaded under bountiful trees, Disguised as happiness as you drop to your knees. Life is huge, visions abound. Rise up, ask your soul, it wants to be found. Oh how I love you, the light in my eyes, Watching you suffer, living the lies. Revelations are waiting, dig deep, listen clear Only you can unleash them and banish your fears. ~K.B.Goad

Male Power Runs The World? Try Common Schoolyard Bully

The reason males have been "running the world", overall, for so many centuries, is as simple as school yard thuggery. When people let bullies get control of anything, they control all the people too, and they do anything to keep their power. Good men become fearful about standing up for women against male bullies, so the women are left to stand up for themselves against all of the men. And we all know what bullies do when people stand up to them; they fight DIRTY. The only way to stop them is to take them out of any power position, and the only way to SEE it is to stand up for equality. Bullies hate equality, they will always fight to keep their "group" above any other group. Bullies do this with anything that will work on the people they are trying to control : race, sex, nationality, money, the lack of money, background, hair, height, education, lack of education, whether you own a motorcycle or not, have children or not, married or not, anything. People get conditioned very easily to believe "that's the way it is" and "don't rock the boat", to their own detriment. When you stand for true equality, you expose the posers.

Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

A lot of us have developed, from youth, a habit of escapism. When we have had enough of one emotionally abusive person, we call and go seek solace from a friend. But then that friend starts showing their Narc face, and we call someone else; then we escape that person, and go back to the first one. Often that first one is Home. We don't realize we are picking Narcs to populate our support network, so we end up like a pinball, bouncing off one to another and back again, always having to deal with some new jab from one of them. We keep ourselves in this pinball machine as long as we have more than one to go back and forth to and from, or until we realize that we are in the machine.
When we realize it, we can liberate ourselves. That feels great, until we realize we are alone, because we've taking ourselves out of the pinball network we've built, and there's nothing in its place. Then we have to rebuild a healthy one, with what people skills? With judgment that keeps picking Narcs?! That's where we need to really take care and take care and take care of ourselves, and tread slowly and carefully, and love ourselves and our children. The trap is when we get overwhelmed at this point and we go and find someone to fill that awful loneliness, but we don't know if we are choosing healthy people or not.  The real trick is to truly learn how to love ourselves, even through loneliness, and connect very very carefully with new people, watching them from an emotional distance for a long time. And learning everything we missed about boundaries.

Would You Recognize God?

Our ego is the thing that tells us to listen to one person, and not to another;
to learn from one person, and not from another.

If God came down to Earth looking and sounding like the kind of person your ego wants to listen to, you will listen, at least casually and nod, and say "yes, that person is wise". But if God came down to Earth looking and sounding like the kind of person your ego usually thinks of as having nothing valuable to say, you will ignore God Himself, or Herself. (Depending on what form God chose that day.)

If you don't believe me, believe yourself. Just pay attention to your own reaction when you ask a question to a room full of people, like "what's the best way to get to the highway from here?" Or, "Where should I dispose of my used motor oil?" Or, "What do you think of these candidates?" 

Who is it that you find yourself believing, and who is it that you find yourself ignoring? Keep asking random questions, and keep watching your own reaction, and how it feels when each different person gives you an answer. The feelings are from within you. They don't come from the other people. This is how con artists are able to be so successful. They know this game, they know how to act like your preconceived notions of who to believe.

The ego tells us that it knows who to listen to, who has experience, who has the Answers. Not the intellect.