You know how you are sitting there ruminating about how to improve life for your loved ones? How you worry about their emotional and physical well-being, their happiness, and their future? How you enjoy making plans to do fun things together, whimsical things together, projects together, and look forward to bonding? You know how you really want to hear their opinions, thoughts, experiences, stories, and points of view? You know how you are proud of their accomplishments, excited about their aspirations and ideas, interested very much in their work, and enjoy seeing or hearing about what they're doing?
Guess what... if your loved one is a narcissist, he or she is not thinking of ANY of those things, and certainly isn't worrying. It is not even within the realm of their imagination. The only person they regularly worry about is themselves. Your interests are boring and pointless, your thoughts are redundant, you conversation is repetitive and boring, and your point of view is simply wrong. Your aspirations are silly, your attempts at achievement are akin to a child, and doing anything with you is about as fun as doing things with their third grade teacher. It's not exciting to do things with you, they already have you; there is no reason to DO anything...and they wish you would just be quiet and not want to have these droning intellectual exchanges (unless they initiate them.) Occasionally, a narcissist will feel little glimpses of sympathy or worry, but these incidents will seem so gigantic to them that they will actually feel like they are WRACKED with despair and worry, and then they will immediately seek to escape this overwhelming bleakness, and they will actually feel sorry for themselves for it, completing the circle right back to themselves.
If you ever seek for a narcissist to care about you with any form of extended care or empathy that lasts any length of time, you will be rejected forthwith, and resented mightily. They seriously feel completely FULL to the brim with too much going on, and they ALWAYS believe that you have LESS going on than they do, and are just a spoiled, pampered brat, and that you are too daft to recognize their huge burden, EVEN IF YOU are helping them beyond your own means.
The thing you need to remember is, they have no idea that there is any reality other than the one they have created in their own minds, and if you try to show them that there is another way to look at things, they will hear you as ATTACKING them, insulting them, trying to control them.
They are not planning a nice date for the two of you, they are thinking about how they don't have enough time or money to have a better life than the one you are trying to make with them. They are not thinking about how they want to take your kids to a movie, they are worried that they will have to babysit and ruin their day. They are not happy that you are in town and look forward to asking you to meet them, they are annoyed that they might have to take time out of their day to do something as trivial and pointless as seeing you face to face. They don't admire you for your strength, intelligence, or endurance for surviving the things you've been through, they actually think of you as a "loser" because you have lived through trials and tribulations. (Their own trials were because of other people, but yours were your fault... ) They are not wondering how they can cheer you up; they are lamenting about how you don't do enough for them, and completely denying any and all efforts you have made to stand by them or cheer them up. They are not going to be excited about the plans you made with them, they are going to try to change them at the last minute, or start a fight, or create an urgency, so they can stay in control. The fact is, they are not thinking about you at all in any way except how you just don't measure up, how you do all kinds of things wrong toward them, and how they just don't have the time or money or patience to do "all these things" with or for you that you seem to expect from them. They honestly see any effort from their side as a HUGE burden, and they see all of your efforts, no matter what they are, as inadequate, or even dumb.
The narcissist needs to have others to be lesser creatures in their lives, and the moment you let them treat you like one, you have been elected. They seriously do not get that you are not lesser than they are, and they will throw all kinds of negative judgments at you from that day on, trying to turn their projection into reality. They have to keep you "under" them, or else they will feel like you are in control of them, or outshining them.
If you are waiting for a narcissist to treat you with genuine love, care, empathy, and reciprocal friendship and respect (all of which are very much fun and wonderful for non-narcs), you will be waiting until the sun explodes and it no longer matters anyway. It's like waiting for a drowning person to save you. It's not going to happen.
Guess what... if your loved one is a narcissist, he or she is not thinking of ANY of those things, and certainly isn't worrying. It is not even within the realm of their imagination. The only person they regularly worry about is themselves. Your interests are boring and pointless, your thoughts are redundant, you conversation is repetitive and boring, and your point of view is simply wrong. Your aspirations are silly, your attempts at achievement are akin to a child, and doing anything with you is about as fun as doing things with their third grade teacher. It's not exciting to do things with you, they already have you; there is no reason to DO anything...and they wish you would just be quiet and not want to have these droning intellectual exchanges (unless they initiate them.) Occasionally, a narcissist will feel little glimpses of sympathy or worry, but these incidents will seem so gigantic to them that they will actually feel like they are WRACKED with despair and worry, and then they will immediately seek to escape this overwhelming bleakness, and they will actually feel sorry for themselves for it, completing the circle right back to themselves.
If you ever seek for a narcissist to care about you with any form of extended care or empathy that lasts any length of time, you will be rejected forthwith, and resented mightily. They seriously feel completely FULL to the brim with too much going on, and they ALWAYS believe that you have LESS going on than they do, and are just a spoiled, pampered brat, and that you are too daft to recognize their huge burden, EVEN IF YOU are helping them beyond your own means.
The thing you need to remember is, they have no idea that there is any reality other than the one they have created in their own minds, and if you try to show them that there is another way to look at things, they will hear you as ATTACKING them, insulting them, trying to control them.
They are not planning a nice date for the two of you, they are thinking about how they don't have enough time or money to have a better life than the one you are trying to make with them. They are not thinking about how they want to take your kids to a movie, they are worried that they will have to babysit and ruin their day. They are not happy that you are in town and look forward to asking you to meet them, they are annoyed that they might have to take time out of their day to do something as trivial and pointless as seeing you face to face. They don't admire you for your strength, intelligence, or endurance for surviving the things you've been through, they actually think of you as a "loser" because you have lived through trials and tribulations. (Their own trials were because of other people, but yours were your fault... ) They are not wondering how they can cheer you up; they are lamenting about how you don't do enough for them, and completely denying any and all efforts you have made to stand by them or cheer them up. They are not going to be excited about the plans you made with them, they are going to try to change them at the last minute, or start a fight, or create an urgency, so they can stay in control. The fact is, they are not thinking about you at all in any way except how you just don't measure up, how you do all kinds of things wrong toward them, and how they just don't have the time or money or patience to do "all these things" with or for you that you seem to expect from them. They honestly see any effort from their side as a HUGE burden, and they see all of your efforts, no matter what they are, as inadequate, or even dumb.
The narcissist needs to have others to be lesser creatures in their lives, and the moment you let them treat you like one, you have been elected. They seriously do not get that you are not lesser than they are, and they will throw all kinds of negative judgments at you from that day on, trying to turn their projection into reality. They have to keep you "under" them, or else they will feel like you are in control of them, or outshining them.
If you are waiting for a narcissist to treat you with genuine love, care, empathy, and reciprocal friendship and respect (all of which are very much fun and wonderful for non-narcs), you will be waiting until the sun explodes and it no longer matters anyway. It's like waiting for a drowning person to save you. It's not going to happen.
