Some more subtle narcissistic behaviors that will wear you down to a nub if they are coming from people you're around frequently:
>Negative comments. Often veiled as observation, or tacked on the end of a positive comment. "She looks like a confident young woman! That dress is awful, though." "You look nice, let me fix your hair." "You sounded great up there! You should hold your microphone up higher, and smile more."
>Constant conversation steering, back to themselves, not as an empathy validation, like "I've been through that too, I can relate~"(and then tell why and how, and then back to the original topic)" but as a full u-turn, where the conversation never goes back to your experience or observation.
(You): "I was in the hospital last week, they had to remove my head and sew it back on..."
(Them): "My friend's uncle had that done last year! He was 67 at the time, he's never been married, so you know it was hard not having anyone to help him, he had to drive himself to and from the hospital, he has two dogs so my friend's cousin had to take care of the dogs and .... ...."
>Always manipulating plans; yours, mine, and ours. There is never a day when someone says "Hey let's go get pizza" and they say "Okay". There has to be complications, rescheduling, and hopefully, someone will become anxious. There is never a day that was planned ahead that everyone simply does what the plan was. There is never a celebration, party, or gathering that does not include bullying, rudeness, crisis, or anger. (The bullies always blame the target for "creating drama" after they have bullied the target, either directly or indirectly, enough to provoke an emotional response.)
> Frequent streams of complaints, critiques, and opinions about everything and everyone, most of which are deemed objective "fact" by the talker. "The food at that restaurant was bland, but the atmosphere was good, except that it was too dark. I like the waitress, she was very nice, she seemed like a nice person, and she seemed to like me, too, and the service was excellent, but she was too heavy and too talkative...but the prices were pretty good, except that Marty had too many drinks and the drinks are too expensive~ he drinks too much. I wish he would do something with his hair, he can be a nice guy, but he gets too loud when he's telling jokes, and he's in your face with that cigar, but he's a delivery driver and..."
>Always implying that a target was doing something irresponsible, shameful, or wrong, no matter what. If the target went to the store, he or she probably bought too much, or stole something, or bought something they didn't need. If the target went to a movie, he or she probably went to that sleazy one, or probably met one of their weird friends who does drugs, or probably went with a secret boyfriend or girlfriend. If the target went to a friend's house, there was probably drinking, drugs, or bad behavior. If the target just took a drive to get away from all this and find peace, he or she probably really went somewhere "bad", like a bar, or a drug-dealer's house, or to have sex, or to waste money.
>Always implying that the target is wasting time doing whatever he or she is doing; implying that the target's work is trivial and unimportant; implying that the target doesn't really do any work; implying that the target has "always been" shiftless, lazy, and entitled, regardless of all reality, past and present.
>Constantly distracting the target, interrupting the target, and diverting the target from his or her plans, projects, tasks, and conversations with others.
>Literally putting themselves in the way of the target, standing or walking in front of them; inserting themselves verbally or physically between the target and other people the target is talking to; leaving the target out of introductions and conversations when the target is standing right there; or disappearing at public places and events so the target has to go find them.
Not all of these behaviors are necessarily conscious, planned, or diabolical. Some who display these narcissistic traits are simply acting on their triggers and emotions, and may really have little or no awareness that they're doing something destructive or dysfunctional. Some of these behaviors may have been learned in youth and have just become integrated into the person's behavioral habits. Remaining in contact with others from youth, or others who display similar behaviors, can make these behaviors seem perfectly okay and normal to those who are doing it. Just like dancing the Conga at a wedding, the more people who are participating, the less one is apt to feel anything but normal when they join in.
>Negative comments. Often veiled as observation, or tacked on the end of a positive comment. "She looks like a confident young woman! That dress is awful, though." "You look nice, let me fix your hair." "You sounded great up there! You should hold your microphone up higher, and smile more."
>Constant conversation steering, back to themselves, not as an empathy validation, like "I've been through that too, I can relate~"(and then tell why and how, and then back to the original topic)" but as a full u-turn, where the conversation never goes back to your experience or observation.
(You): "I was in the hospital last week, they had to remove my head and sew it back on..."
(Them): "My friend's uncle had that done last year! He was 67 at the time, he's never been married, so you know it was hard not having anyone to help him, he had to drive himself to and from the hospital, he has two dogs so my friend's cousin had to take care of the dogs and .... ...."
>Always manipulating plans; yours, mine, and ours. There is never a day when someone says "Hey let's go get pizza" and they say "Okay". There has to be complications, rescheduling, and hopefully, someone will become anxious. There is never a day that was planned ahead that everyone simply does what the plan was. There is never a celebration, party, or gathering that does not include bullying, rudeness, crisis, or anger. (The bullies always blame the target for "creating drama" after they have bullied the target, either directly or indirectly, enough to provoke an emotional response.)
> Frequent streams of complaints, critiques, and opinions about everything and everyone, most of which are deemed objective "fact" by the talker. "The food at that restaurant was bland, but the atmosphere was good, except that it was too dark. I like the waitress, she was very nice, she seemed like a nice person, and she seemed to like me, too, and the service was excellent, but she was too heavy and too talkative...but the prices were pretty good, except that Marty had too many drinks and the drinks are too expensive~ he drinks too much. I wish he would do something with his hair, he can be a nice guy, but he gets too loud when he's telling jokes, and he's in your face with that cigar, but he's a delivery driver and..."
>Always implying that a target was doing something irresponsible, shameful, or wrong, no matter what. If the target went to the store, he or she probably bought too much, or stole something, or bought something they didn't need. If the target went to a movie, he or she probably went to that sleazy one, or probably met one of their weird friends who does drugs, or probably went with a secret boyfriend or girlfriend. If the target went to a friend's house, there was probably drinking, drugs, or bad behavior. If the target just took a drive to get away from all this and find peace, he or she probably really went somewhere "bad", like a bar, or a drug-dealer's house, or to have sex, or to waste money.
>Always implying that the target is wasting time doing whatever he or she is doing; implying that the target's work is trivial and unimportant; implying that the target doesn't really do any work; implying that the target has "always been" shiftless, lazy, and entitled, regardless of all reality, past and present.
>Constantly distracting the target, interrupting the target, and diverting the target from his or her plans, projects, tasks, and conversations with others.
>Literally putting themselves in the way of the target, standing or walking in front of them; inserting themselves verbally or physically between the target and other people the target is talking to; leaving the target out of introductions and conversations when the target is standing right there; or disappearing at public places and events so the target has to go find them.
Not all of these behaviors are necessarily conscious, planned, or diabolical. Some who display these narcissistic traits are simply acting on their triggers and emotions, and may really have little or no awareness that they're doing something destructive or dysfunctional. Some of these behaviors may have been learned in youth and have just become integrated into the person's behavioral habits. Remaining in contact with others from youth, or others who display similar behaviors, can make these behaviors seem perfectly okay and normal to those who are doing it. Just like dancing the Conga at a wedding, the more people who are participating, the less one is apt to feel anything but normal when they join in.
