It is the common thing for people to reject and shun a person who has been traumatized. Most people don't understand the effects trauma has on the brain, and often don't want to understand it because it can take some effort. Humans do this with other things too, all the time; they don't know how to fix their own car because they would have to learn how, and that seems difficult, so they reject learning it and doing it. They pay someone else to do it. They do this with home repairs and remodeling. They buy clothes someone else made instead of learning how to make their own clothes. It's difficult for me, so I don't want to know about it. They do it with their accounting, investments, and taxes. Pay someone else to figure this out, I don't want to. It's too hard. We don't program our own software, we buy it, someone else coded the programs on our computer. This is HUMAN, it's one of our traits. When something seems hard to understand, we reject it, and don't want to learn about it, don't want to know about it. We want someone else to deal with it. It seems like it's self-centered, because it is self-centered, but it's also not possible to learn every single thing in the world, and then carry out each task. We learn what we learn, and we pay others to do what they learned. But the negative face of that coin is when we reject what we don't want to learn because it's too hard, and when we judge something to be "stupid" or "unnecessary" just because WE don't understand it ourselves or because it makes us feel uncomfortable.
Most people do this very thing with trauma, crime, and abuse victims.
It's too much to comprehend, the cause and effect of trauma on someone else, so we reject trying to understand it.
It's too hard, we're not strong enough or patient enough to stop and actually try to understand the cause and effect on another person, so we act like the PERSON is the problem. Like they are MAKING themselves an obstacle to OUR progress and happiness. We don't stop and think for a minute about how that person has been blocked from THEIR progress and happiness, and that we are doing nothing but making it worse when we reject them and put them down. We are adding our own weight to the load they already carry, and we don't even seem to care at all. We want a person who has been through whatever kind of trauma to CARRY OUR LOAD for US by PRETENDING that nothing happened to them, and that they aren't dealing with any kind of actual and REAL side effects from what they've gone through.
To make it even more ridiculous, we often blame the person who was traumatized or abused, and take the blame RIGHT OFF of the actual event or the abuser/attacker. We lay blame on the target of the crime instead of the perpetrator. Why do we do this? Because we don't want to DEAL WITH learning about the effects of trauma, and we don't want to have to DEAL WITH caring, even a little, for the person. What if we have to CHANGE something... what if we have to DO something ... it might INTERFERE with my plans...
Funny though, when anything happens to US, we want others to listen to us vent, complain, even whine. We want others to automatically help us, even if we didn't help them much at all. We want others to CUT US SLACK, have the understanding of a Sufi or an ancient Prophet, and give us all the assistance and help WE WANT and we think we need.
So why are we so self-centered as a species?
Why do we seem so oblivious to the fact that most of us expect a lot more than we give and do?
Why do we hold others to very high standards, but we hold ourselves to minimal responsibility toward others?
It's a combination of biology and our environment, but we can answer that question only for our own selves. Were there people in my youth who were self-centered, snotty, dismissive, or controlling? Is it common for the people I grew up around to have a "look out for number one" attitude? Who did I emulate? What did I want people to see me as, really? Was there someone who was very needy? Was I a bully as a kid, and if I was, why didn't I get in trouble for it, and who did I bully? Who did I look up to, who was around me every day even if we didn't get along? What were they like?
Does it annoy me when other people are expressing sadness, pain, confusion, or loneliness? Do I actually believe that I am not a person who expresses any complaints? Do I seriously believe that whatever a person goes through, it doesn't change their brain or their processing?
Have I ever actually studied the brain, or the effects of trauma or abuse? Or have I just heard hearsay, other people talking about it, or skimmed through a couple of articles? Or do I just formulate opinions based on nothing but my own annoyance levels, without actually reading, listening, and learning about it like I would learn about how to change my fuel filter, or how to make a certain meal, or how to fly a plane, how to play a certain song, or how to build a deck?
Do I think I have learned all there is to know about the effects of trauma, and do I believe that others can't know as much or more than I do? Especially if they didn't have the exact same life as I did, or if they're a different "kind" of person than I am?
Most people spend more time learning about how to fix their hair or pick up the opposite sex than they do about human beings, others or themselves, and yet they are full of opinions about it, and full of rejections toward people who really do learn about it.
When we are full of animosity or annoyance toward a trauma, abuse, or crime victim, we are showing that we don't like that we might have to deal with something that makes us uncomfortable, and we don't want to learn something that seems difficult, and we don't want to CARE for another person outside our regular comfort zone. Basically, we don't want to expend any energy. We're also afraid that it could happen to us, or we could even be jealous that the person has been through something that might get them "special attention." So if you identify with that, then yes, that's self-centered, selfish, childish, and even narcissistic. Victim-blame is one of the signs of Narcissism. If you've read all the way to here, though, you probably don't have the disorder, you just didn't realize you were doing that. Or, you might have it, I don't know, I can't see you from here~ :)
Most people do this very thing with trauma, crime, and abuse victims.
It's too much to comprehend, the cause and effect of trauma on someone else, so we reject trying to understand it.
It's too hard, we're not strong enough or patient enough to stop and actually try to understand the cause and effect on another person, so we act like the PERSON is the problem. Like they are MAKING themselves an obstacle to OUR progress and happiness. We don't stop and think for a minute about how that person has been blocked from THEIR progress and happiness, and that we are doing nothing but making it worse when we reject them and put them down. We are adding our own weight to the load they already carry, and we don't even seem to care at all. We want a person who has been through whatever kind of trauma to CARRY OUR LOAD for US by PRETENDING that nothing happened to them, and that they aren't dealing with any kind of actual and REAL side effects from what they've gone through.
To make it even more ridiculous, we often blame the person who was traumatized or abused, and take the blame RIGHT OFF of the actual event or the abuser/attacker. We lay blame on the target of the crime instead of the perpetrator. Why do we do this? Because we don't want to DEAL WITH learning about the effects of trauma, and we don't want to have to DEAL WITH caring, even a little, for the person. What if we have to CHANGE something... what if we have to DO something ... it might INTERFERE with my plans...
Funny though, when anything happens to US, we want others to listen to us vent, complain, even whine. We want others to automatically help us, even if we didn't help them much at all. We want others to CUT US SLACK, have the understanding of a Sufi or an ancient Prophet, and give us all the assistance and help WE WANT and we think we need.
So why are we so self-centered as a species?
Why do we seem so oblivious to the fact that most of us expect a lot more than we give and do?
Why do we hold others to very high standards, but we hold ourselves to minimal responsibility toward others?
It's a combination of biology and our environment, but we can answer that question only for our own selves. Were there people in my youth who were self-centered, snotty, dismissive, or controlling? Is it common for the people I grew up around to have a "look out for number one" attitude? Who did I emulate? What did I want people to see me as, really? Was there someone who was very needy? Was I a bully as a kid, and if I was, why didn't I get in trouble for it, and who did I bully? Who did I look up to, who was around me every day even if we didn't get along? What were they like?
Does it annoy me when other people are expressing sadness, pain, confusion, or loneliness? Do I actually believe that I am not a person who expresses any complaints? Do I seriously believe that whatever a person goes through, it doesn't change their brain or their processing?
Have I ever actually studied the brain, or the effects of trauma or abuse? Or have I just heard hearsay, other people talking about it, or skimmed through a couple of articles? Or do I just formulate opinions based on nothing but my own annoyance levels, without actually reading, listening, and learning about it like I would learn about how to change my fuel filter, or how to make a certain meal, or how to fly a plane, how to play a certain song, or how to build a deck?
Do I think I have learned all there is to know about the effects of trauma, and do I believe that others can't know as much or more than I do? Especially if they didn't have the exact same life as I did, or if they're a different "kind" of person than I am?
Most people spend more time learning about how to fix their hair or pick up the opposite sex than they do about human beings, others or themselves, and yet they are full of opinions about it, and full of rejections toward people who really do learn about it.
When we are full of animosity or annoyance toward a trauma, abuse, or crime victim, we are showing that we don't like that we might have to deal with something that makes us uncomfortable, and we don't want to learn something that seems difficult, and we don't want to CARE for another person outside our regular comfort zone. Basically, we don't want to expend any energy. We're also afraid that it could happen to us, or we could even be jealous that the person has been through something that might get them "special attention." So if you identify with that, then yes, that's self-centered, selfish, childish, and even narcissistic. Victim-blame is one of the signs of Narcissism. If you've read all the way to here, though, you probably don't have the disorder, you just didn't realize you were doing that. Or, you might have it, I don't know, I can't see you from here~ :)
