Every
human has traits that can be considered narcissistic. If we didn't, we
would have died as babies. We act like jerks, we hurt others, we ignore
and dismiss others, we look down on others, we forget about the needs of
others. The difference is whether we can accept these human faults in
ourselves, how we feel about them, what we do about them, and whether we
blame others for them or take responsibility
for them. Any human being will make mistake after mistake, after
mistake... but not feeling guilt or remorse for those mistakes, refusing
to admit them, refusing to admit something we did was hurtful, trying
to justify the things we have done by blaming the other person... taking
joy in hurting, demeaning, or putting down another person, trying to
dominate others, having no care for their well-being while trying to get
our needs and wants met, that's the difference. It's not just our
behavior, it's how we feel about our behavior, the mistakes or the
things we have purposely done, and how we feel about the impact of our
behavior. A human being might be absent-minded or overwhelmed and keep
forgetting appointments or agreements or to get in touch, but how they
feel about their forgetting, and how they feel about the impact they're
forgetting makes on others defines whether they're narcissistic or not. I
forgot to call my friend all week, but I just realized it and I feel
crappy about it, and I hope they aren't thinking I blew them off on
purpose or that I don't care. I just realized it, so I'm going to call
them now. If they're upset that I didn't call, so be it, it's TRUE, I
didn't call. I DID screw up and it may have hurt their feelings. They
have done the same thing to me in the past, quite a few times, and it
hurt my feelings, but I didn't hate them for it or retaliate, and I now
know they can be forgetful too, just like me. I did ask them why, and
they answered "Didn't mean to, just overwhelmed with work, very sorry."
They did not become angry when I called and said "What's up, you were
supposed to call?" They just apologized genuinely, and that was the end
of it. There was no anger at ME for being upset at THEM for not calling
when they said they would, they knew they made a mistake, they didn't
try to justify it or turn it around and try to make it all my fault in
order to get out of admitting their own fault. And I will not do that to
them either; I was supposed to call them in the beginning of the week,
and it's Thursday. If they're upset, then they have a right to be, but I
trust they won't attack me personally, verbally or otherwise, in
expressing their dismay at me. And I will just listen and apologize, I
won't try to justify why I didn't call. I might explain my forgetfulness
to ensure them that I didn't do it purposely, but I won't try to make
it sound like I have every RIGHT to forget to call because I am so busy
or overwhelmed, and I won't turn it back on them. Of course if they're
abusive when I call, then that's a different story, but I don't think
they will be, they might just be upset, and that's of course completely
"okay".
