http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/parents/favoring.html#1209o
This is a site dealing with parental issues in a forum setting. Here are a couple of excerpts, click the link above to get to the site ^
Here's what we did. On certain nights of the week, one parent would be responsible for a specific duties, like bathing and bedtime, with NO exceptions. No matter how much tears, we'd say sorry, it's Daddy's night, Mommy will do bath tomorrow night, (or the revere.) Very quickly the preferred parent became the one not on duty. And quickly after that, because we NEVER gave in, the tears dried up too.
And for the previously neglected parent, there's nothing better than hearing your child blubbering that she has to have you. anon
When my daughter and I are alone, she is usually very cooperative, sweet and loving - which has always been her true nature. But when she gets angry with me, she flies into a rage that includes many hurtful or -attempts to be hurtful- statements, such as, "everyone hates you." Though my husband has enunciated to her that he loves us both equally (his wife and his daughter) I fear his behavior belies another truth and that is what is creating this extremely painful situation. Any input that can shed light on this matter would be very greatly appreciated.
I extend my deep compassion to you as you seem on the verge of facing some issues for which the outcomes are unknown and pose great risks for you and your family, but hopefully, great opportunities for growth. Even in this anonymous e-mail setting, it is very brave of you to take this step. From your description, I hear you say that your relationship with your husband is being played out through your daughter. Your daughter needs you and needs to have a healthy relationship with you..because you are her mother and regardless of the relationship you have with your husband. It is time to assert yourself and require respect from your family and yourself. Go to a counsellor or a minister or rabbi; go with your husband; go by yourself if he will not go.
After my sister divorced her husband, she said, based on her experience, "The most important thing a husband can do for his children is to love his wife." For her, that wasn't to be and she divorced him. Because of conservative divorce laws in another state she ended up having to move out of the house and not live with her children. She went through several years of her teenaged children rejecting her. With support and patience and unconditional love for her children, she managed to reestablish her relationships with her grown children as they passed into their early 20's. Of course, your personal circumstances and dyanamics are unique and what happens will be different. But at this point is does sound as though something needs to change. If I could bestow gifts upon you it would be courage, truth and compassion for the journey ahead.
This is a site dealing with parental issues in a forum setting. Here are a couple of excerpts, click the link above to get to the site ^
Kids prefer one parent ALL THE TIME
Dec 2009 I hear a lot that it's normal and expected for young kids (1-6) to favor one parent over the other, and that typically this changes over time, having phases of preferring each parent when there are 2 in the house. In our family, both my kids want me most of the time, ask for me, cry for me, and at times refuse my partner. My partner is just as loving and involved as I am, and mostly is able to roll with this and understand it probably has to do with the fact that I work part time and spend more time with them. But occasionally my partner gets hurt and upset and feels like an inferior parent because of it. The preference has never shifted between us -- it's always me. I don't like it either! Do other people have this dynamic and what are your theories about why, if both parents are actually great, loving parents? Thanks for any input.Here's what we did. On certain nights of the week, one parent would be responsible for a specific duties, like bathing and bedtime, with NO exceptions. No matter how much tears, we'd say sorry, it's Daddy's night, Mommy will do bath tomorrow night, (or the revere.) Very quickly the preferred parent became the one not on duty. And quickly after that, because we NEVER gave in, the tears dried up too.
And for the previously neglected parent, there's nothing better than hearing your child blubbering that she has to have you. anon
6-year-old daughter doesn't want mom around
Does anyone know, can anyone explain to me the concept of an Oedipal Victor and what the dynamics are like? My husband and I have one child, a daughter, who is almost six, who has, for a long time, been a real "daddy's girl." The only problem is that it has been coupled with a very strong rejection of Mommy. Mommy is asked to stay back from family outings, and to generally keep out of the play and interaction between father and daughter. I used to think our daughter just preferred more quality time with Daddy, since she gets me all the time (I'm a stay-at-home-mom). But now I suspect there is much more to it. My husband is very solicitous of our daughter and lavishes lots of affection on her. He makes his love for her a very obvious and constant thing. His affection for me, on the other hand, is extremely rare and almost never demonstrated openly. On the contrary, my husband and I have many rifts and disagreements and, though I try to behave civilly and even warmly towards him, it is much harder for him to do the same. From him I often get a cold shoulder, he won't answer or react to me, gets annoyed when I persist, and now my daughter has taken it one step further and actually treats me like an outcast whenever we all three are together. She attacks me viciously if I try to relate myself to them if they are involved in something together, particularly if she perceives that I am trying to influence or control how they play. But she will also not let me "mother her" or nurture her in his presence. It feels like her rejection of me is an extension of his hostility towards me and quite frankly the situation is untenable.When my daughter and I are alone, she is usually very cooperative, sweet and loving - which has always been her true nature. But when she gets angry with me, she flies into a rage that includes many hurtful or -attempts to be hurtful- statements, such as, "everyone hates you." Though my husband has enunciated to her that he loves us both equally (his wife and his daughter) I fear his behavior belies another truth and that is what is creating this extremely painful situation. Any input that can shed light on this matter would be very greatly appreciated.
I extend my deep compassion to you as you seem on the verge of facing some issues for which the outcomes are unknown and pose great risks for you and your family, but hopefully, great opportunities for growth. Even in this anonymous e-mail setting, it is very brave of you to take this step. From your description, I hear you say that your relationship with your husband is being played out through your daughter. Your daughter needs you and needs to have a healthy relationship with you..because you are her mother and regardless of the relationship you have with your husband. It is time to assert yourself and require respect from your family and yourself. Go to a counsellor or a minister or rabbi; go with your husband; go by yourself if he will not go.
After my sister divorced her husband, she said, based on her experience, "The most important thing a husband can do for his children is to love his wife." For her, that wasn't to be and she divorced him. Because of conservative divorce laws in another state she ended up having to move out of the house and not live with her children. She went through several years of her teenaged children rejecting her. With support and patience and unconditional love for her children, she managed to reestablish her relationships with her grown children as they passed into their early 20's. Of course, your personal circumstances and dyanamics are unique and what happens will be different. But at this point is does sound as though something needs to change. If I could bestow gifts upon you it would be courage, truth and compassion for the journey ahead.
