When
we are trying to objectively understand the behaviors and causes of
behaviors in others, it is not the same as condoning, allowing, or
letting them walk on us.
An example of understanding
objectively without allowing one's self to be a target can be seen in
psychiatric hospitals, and also group homes for the mentally challenged
or ill. There are units in psych. hospitals where patients are
constantly trying to target doctors and staff members, some of them
every minute of every day. A professional worker, whether they're a
doctor, nurse, caregiver, counselor or janitor, must maintain
objectivity in order to work there and do their job. A patient might
throw their food tray at a nurse. Her job effectiveness relies on her
ability to not take it personally, and be fully aware that this person
is mentally ill, and that there is always going to be a possibility of a
"behavior".
One of the main reasons labels are created in
the first place is so that those who work with and help patients and
clients can be prepared for what they might be dealing with, and modify
their own expectations and behaviors regarding the patient/client.
So that nurse would have expected, or at least not have been shocked
for that particular patient to hurl the tray if she had objective
awareness, and also experience. She would have been on guard around that
patient. If it was an unexpected behavior, the next step is to re-visit
the patient's diagnostic evaluation, treatment plan and medications,
and re-evaluate how staff is protecting themselves from his or her
behaviors.
>>>A non-professional staff (and I've seen this
happen) would instead engage in a conflict with the patient, try to
bully or shame him or her, and then gossip and trash talk about the
patient with each other, and subsequently treat the patient with less
and less care and treatment. I've seen this go to the point of serious
neglect and abuse.
When we have someone who is abusive to us in
our lives, we need to look at the entire dynamic, including ourselves.
Of course it's not healthy to live with someone who is abusive toward
us, so we need to make some changes for ourselves. Allowing ourselves to
be treated badly should not be an option at all. So we need to change
things to make our situation safe again.
Understanding and
comprehending what is going on with a person who is abusive or
manipulative has nothing to do with letting them continue to do it to
us, and is in fact the OPPOSITE of that. When we are able to understand
in a more clinical and less personal way about why someone behaves a
certain way, we become more UNATTACHED and UNENGAGED in their behavior,
not more attached. Understanding their behavior in a more clinical way makes it
LESS PERSONAL, and easier to deal with in a healthy way.
To
put it another way, if your brother ignored you all the time while you
were growing up, if he wouldn't play with you, if he wouldn't respond to
you when you asked him questions, and if he became ANGRY every time you
tried to play cards or get him to go outside with you, you would
probably feel hurt, rejected, angry, and/or sad. You might even end up
kind of hating him, and maybe developing anger issues yourself,
especially if your parents never tried to correct him or intervene.
But~ if your parents had explained to you about Autism, if you had read
about it, learned about it, and came to understand that your brother
CAN'T do the things you want him to do, and WILL get angry whenever you
or almost anyone else tries to get him to do something, your entire
perception of him and of your relationship with him would be completely
different. You would not take his anger personally, you wouldn't feel
rejected by his introverted demeanor, and you would not be confused
about where it's coming from, and you wouldn't harbor so many ill
feelings toward him. It would be a healthier environment for both you
and him, and you would build and live your life in a different way than
you would have in the other scenario.
