"Countering"
is when a person automatically says "black" when you say "white", it's a
"keeping control' habit, it has nothing to do with the actual subject
you're talking about.
If I say "black" and a person who counters
says "white", and then I said "you're right, it's white" then they would
say "no it's not , it's grey."
~
It's not about the topic,
it's a "sparring match" and they are just trying to WIN, but there IS
nothing to win, the only one "competing" is them. The "sparring match"
is in their own head.
~
This is why nothing ever gets resolved,
nothing ever gets planned and carried out, there are never any
productive conversations, projects always get destroyed and scrapped.
This is why when you talk about something good that you did they have to
top you, or when you talk about something bad that upset you they have
to top it or diminish it.
~
It can also take the form of
"advice-giving", but this "advice" always implies that you're a novice,
you're just weak or oversensitive, that it's all your fault, that you
don't know what's going on or what the best information is (but they
do), or that you're just a beginner and they're an expert (no matter
what the subject).
~
People who aren't actually "Narcissists"
can do this, and often do, it's easy to pick up when others are doing it
all around you, it can just seem like "normal" behavior. We can pick it
up because someone keeps doing it TO us, so we learn to do it back just
to deal with it. It can be embarrassing when you realize you've been
doing this, but it's not that hard to fix. There's no need for a big
production of admission and apology to everyone, just mostly to one's
self. Not doing it anymore, and learning how to communicate politely and
respectfully is usually enough.
~
The picture that comes to
mind is two people playing tennis. The countering person hits every ball
back as hard as they can, trying to hit the other person with it, or
make it go over their heads so they can't reach it, or hit it far out of
the field so they have to go get it. This is not a friendly game of
tennis, this is just one person trying to use the game of tennis to
dominate the other. And in the same way, if the other person says "I've
had enough, I'm leaving", the countering/dominator person will say "Oh
sure, you're just a poor sport! You always leave!"
If and when the
countering/dominator person finally realizes what they're doing, they
can look at it squarely, and just stop trying to "dominate", let go of
the aggression, and see what the REAL game of Tennis is all about. The
friendly kind, where both people just want to play and enjoy the dynamic
BETWEEN them.
~
The obsession with "winning" and "dominating"
just to feel worthy, and to get a certain neurochemical rush, is one of
the biggest causes of all kinds of problems in human relationships,
communities, and organizations.
~
It's the real reason behind
War. Countering dominators who are looking for the chemical rush they
get from "winning" and "gaining" and "dominating" can't negotiate,
share, or compromise, and may not even want to, because they know they
won't get that HIGH they crave.
