Social Signals That Controllers And Narcissists Pick Up On
common social signals that we probably don't realize we're doing, that
indicate "submission", "weakness", "inexperience", and/or "ignorance" to
other humans, and especially Controllers and Narcissists:
Looking away from direct eye contact, either before or after making eye contact, or both; Lowering the shoulders and turning the body away so we're not facing the other person with "shoulders back" and "head up"; ASKING QUESTIONS.
The first two are pretty obvious to most people, although most people
who do them may not realize they're doing it, or how often. The third is not so obvious. If we pay close attention, we can hear a pattern in any culture or group: Who is asking questions, who is using a "question?" tone, and who is answering the questions.
In a "status hierarchy", being the One Who Does Not Know is lower status than the One Who Knows.
If the relationships between people don't have status, hierarchy, and
dominance issues, then people don't pay much attention to WHO KNOWS
WHAT. Information is neutral, no one "owns" information, no one cares if
they know something or don't know something that someone else does or
doesn't. But in a status hierarchy where people are vying for
dominance and "recognition", and others are making submission gestures
(to gain the approval of those who are "dominant" and appear "NICE"),
QUESTIONS are the fastest and most effective gesture.
groups and relationships, those who are displaying submission with
questions and a question tone will ask about things they already know
the answer to, or they could easily find out on their own. Even
more importantly, in such groups and relationships, those who are
seeking "dominant status" will ANSWER questions REGARDLESS of their
The interaction is NOT ABOUT INFORMATION.
The actual information is secondary to the submission/dominance display.
When people are used to this and it's normalized in their culture and
community, they will rationalize the whole interaction in order to
prevent it from becoming exposed. Both the submission and the dominance
displayers are doing it for personal reasons, for a kind of gain or for
survival, whether they're conscious of it or not. Therefore the
subconscious does not want it exposed for what it is.
Further still, in cultures, communities, and groups where this "question/answer" interaction display is normalized, many take it to another level. Manipulators may use BOTH or EITHER the "Question" gesture OR the "Answer" display to affect an outcome, to get what they want. Which one they use most simply depends on which works for them personally, and who they're trying to manipulate.
For example a woman in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Question tone and gesture to get a MAN to assist or help her, but she might use the Answer gesture to display dominance over another woman. A man in a Patriarchal culture is more likely to use the Answer gesture more often than not, because male Controllers are often very insecure and worried about appearing inexperienced to others, thereby risking their perceived "Dominant Status".
Many take the Answer display gesture so far that it becomes transparent and obvious, constantly giving "answers" and "information" whether anyone was asking or not. This is a flag of Narcissistic disorder, because Narcissists don't pay attention to the ability, intelligence, or experience of others, especially if they have not initially assessed the person as "Elite", "Expert", or "Authority". They are always trying to be the Expert over someone else., and strangely, they often do this even MORE around an actual expert.
(A Narcissist who is stuck in this Answer Display gesture would explain how to play a guitar to Nancy Wilson and Muriel Anderson, lecture about the brutality of war to a Viet Nam veteran, pontificate about the importance of World Peace to the Dalai Lama, and condescend to Margaret Thatcher about "what it takes" to be a government official. So try not to take it too personally when one of them talks down to you like your a novice, a small child, or completely clueless.)