When
another person is upset about something, and the person they're upset
with refuses to listen to or acknowledge the reason, and then turns it
around on them and accuses them of causing THEM to be upset, that's a
Narcissistic behavior.
Why? Because the person who is originally
upset is being treated as if their feelings, concerns, and point of view
is NOT VALID. They are being treated as if they are a less important being, and therefore their point of view is silly, unimportant, trivial, or wrong.
~
So,
John tells Mark that he's really dedicated to making their band work.
John says whatever it takes, this time he's really going to give 100%
because it's just as important to him as it is to Mark. For three
weekends in a row, Mark and John practice in a practice spot between
their houses, and everything is great. The fourth week, John says he
can't practice unless Mark comes to his house, so Mark does. The same
thing the following week, Mark drives to John's house again. Next week
the same thing. The week after that, Mark has something he needs to do,
so he asks John to come to his house instead to practice. John says
"sure", but when the weekend comes he says he's too busy. The following
week, Mark goes back to John's house. The week after that, Mark says
again "I have something I need to do, can you come to my house instead".
John says "I don't know", and then doesn't show up.
The following
weekend Mark starts to really feel taken advantage of and fooled; John
obviously is NOT "into" making the band work, or giving even 50%, never
mind 100%.
Mark calls John and expresses his concern and his disappointment.
John's reaction is to accuse MARK of not caring enough about HIS needs
and life, and that Mark is being "unreasonable" and "out of line". John
absolutely not only refuses to acknowledge what's really going on or
take any responsibility, but he also refuses to listen respectfully to
Mark's concerns or feelings, and has zero care about how Mark feels.
(which is not "normal" friendship or coworker-relationship.)
As far
as John's concerned, he is doing NOTHING AT ALL that could be
considered wrong, or even a LITTLE BIT unfair, or even slightly
disconcerting.
~
As far as John's concerned, ALL of the
problems are because MARK ISN'T COOPERATING WITH HIM, and accommodating
HIS schedule, HIS wants, HIS comfort, HIS desires, HIS moods, and HIS
feelings. He honestly does not see Mark as an equal person to himself
with equally important and valid ANYTHING. If Mark wants to do this
band, he should come to HIM, and if he doesn't, then Mark is the one
who's making everything "difficult" and being "emotional".
John
literally does not have the ability to be half of a cooperative, fair,
or equal partnership. Any human who he partners up with, who gets close
enough to be a part of his "inner circle", is taken off off of his "High
Shelf" of important people and things, and put into his "used and old
stuff" box that no longer seems worth making an effort for. When he
wants to use them for something, he wants them available and ready, but
when he's not interested in using them, he expects them to just sit in
the box, and not go and do anything else on their own, without him,
while he's off doing HIS own thing.
If anyone in that "used/old stuff" box complains, however, John will threaten them, or throw them into the trash heap.
(Possessions don't have the right to complain to their owner, they're just possessions, it's annoying and stressful).
~
